'AITA for telling my wife how much I actually do for our household?' UPDATED 4X

"AITA for telling my wife how much I actually do for our household?"

My wife (41F) and I (42M) have been married for 15 years.

I apparently surprised her by being capable of doing household chores and tasks, which I didn't think much of. My mom always asked me to help out with chores when I was a kid so I didn't think it was beneath me or anything.

I do think I inherited her need to clean excessively, like it's so bad that I can't eat until a mess is dealt with. My Mom is an amazing cook, my Aunt was a literal chef at a fancy hotel and my dad loved having barbeques. It was pretty natural to learn from them and pick up a thing or two. The only thing I didn't pick up was how to make a decent cup of tea or coffee, I'm genuinely awful at it.

It got to a point where I was handling most of the household chores and taking care of cooking, which I prefer anyways since she comes home exhausted. I've been asking our children (11F and 9M) to do some minor tasks around the house and hopefully teach them this sort of thing too. She has a group of friends who hang out regularly, this time it was her turn to host the group at her home.

I offered to take our children out for the day, and it was all set. Before we left, I had to finish up some things for work. The office space is practically on top of our living room, so I could hear what they were talking about the entire time. One of the friends asked how she always kept our house so spotless and my wife just bragged about how she was responsible for it all.

Then they all started talking about their gripes with their marriages, a common theme was how unhelpful their spouses were. I felt pretty uncomfortable so I just left the office and went out with the kids. I came back after they had left for the night and acted as normal until we got to our bedroom.

I asked her what was up with that conversation they had and pointed out that I did the cooking and cleaning in our marriage. She told me not to take it personally, and that she just wanted to fit in with the struggles of her friends. Now I just feel unappreciated, especially since I don't clearly remember any genuine gratitude for what I do from her.

Since then, she's been pretty short with me. She says I'm weaponizing what I'm doing against her and holding it over her head. I don't expect her to compliment me each time I clean or defend me religiously, just a little 'My husband is pretty helpful actually, he does his share' would be nice. I can't help but feel like her friends think I'm some sort of deadbeat who comes home to relax and neglect her.

The internet had a lot to say about this situation.

Turmeric_Ping wrote:

NTA. Your not weaponizing what you're doing against her. You're just insisting that she doesn't lie about you and badmouth you to her friends, which is exactly what she is doing. She knows that she is in the wrong here, hence her hostile response: she doesn't have a reasonable defence for her behaviour.

Personally I wouldn't let this go. Her friends are people you will have to socialise with from time to time, and therefore what they think about you does matter.

GreenTeaShaman wrote:

NTA. It's bizarre that your wife would pretend that you don't help around the house. She didn't have to throw it in her friends faces, she could have stayed silent or just said that yeah he does help.

Imagine she's being short with you because you do work around the house! What the hell! Most people would love to have a spouse who helps around the house. She doesn't get to be annoyed at you because you don't like the fact she makes you out to be a crap husband to her friends. She should be on your side.

Connect-Thought2029 wrote:

NTA, I would stop cleaning and cooking and let her doing it. What does she do? Does she work? Do you split childcare?

Ok_Pangolin2219 wrote:

NTA this is not about fitting in but bragging about someone else's work and passing it for her own.

Do you want jealousy from your friends? Brag about how lucky you are that your spouse does his share of the house work and cooking.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

I'm pretty shocked this post went as viral as it did, and I tried my best to speak to my wife yesterday. I just can't believe that this is the woman I married. I tried speaking with her, telling her that what she did wasn't that big of a deal but was still not a nice thing to do. She didn't like me bringing it up again and just told me to suck it up and stop 'bitching' about one mistake.

She apologized, but in a tone that just sounded like she was just tired of dealing with this. I noticed her getting very heated and on the verge of starting an argument so I backed off and switched to a different topic. I asked if we could adjust our duties at home to be more fair for both of us, since most of our management fell to me.

(I mean pretty much 90% of things like cooking/cleaning, including planning for our date nights or vacations for our family rely on me. I do think it's an issue that she gets to come home and just tell me that she's tired.) Then she got up in my face, telling me I had no right to lecture her about chore duties when I'm practically at home most of the time.

She completely refused to hear me out and basically told me that what we have works best for our situation. She threw me in my face that she was the money-maker and that balanced everything out in the end. Even this morning she was pretty annoyed with me, coming downstairs in a bad mood. I'm very sure our kids noticed it too but I drove them to school after they got ready.

When I got back I noticed that my wife left her packed lunch on our kitchen counter. So now I'm sitting here, just feeling like the woman I've known for 15 years hates me. I guess I'll have to push this issue properly even if she gets angry. She's been ignoring my texts and attempts to call her. I can't just let her act like this, especially in front of our children.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

It_girth wrote:

She's not entitled to be acting the way she's acting given how you realistically do all the housework. She's an adult woman throwing a fit like a child because she was called out on lying to her friends about the amount of effort she puts in around the house. Maybe if she's offended by you calling her out she should step up and help out more instead of b--hing at you for being right.

CampSpiritual3808 wrote:

She doesn’t see you as her equal. Grew a backbone and directly stop doing things for her. Next time her friends came and she lies TELL THEM SHE IS LYING. I know people should have a healthy communication but your wife is belittling you and you are letting it. If you don’t have self respect how will you demand respect from your wife?

28kingjames wrote:

Stop doing all of it. Decide that you’re going to do cooking and laundry. The kids can help with a portion and then your wife can help with the rest. Next time her friends come over and it doesn’t look spotless, then you can chime in and say you stopped doing all of the work and asked her to pitch in and help, but she said no because she makes more money.

JunePlum79 wrote:

Dude, stand up for yourself. And don’t ask her about “adjusting chores”, just tell her you’ll no longer be doing 90% and act on that. If she wants it done she’ll have to do it herself. She doesn’t appreciate or respect you and your contributions to your home AT ALL and you’ve allowed her to walk all over you. This sounds like a good case for couples therapy, cause this is not sustainable. Good luck.

A day later, OP shared a second update:

I think I'm just done at this point. I did something I never did before and went into her phone while she slept. We both know each others passwords, so it wasn't really difficult. Some of the cheating comments got to me and I felt pretty paranoid about this situation.

Instead I found a group chat with some of her work friends (different from the other friends she had over). It was just non-stop mockery of me and some of the stuff I did for her. She told them how embarrassed she feels to be with me and that I dote on her like a parent and don't feel like her husband.

The lunches I pack for her are 'humiliating' because I add sweets and other treats I know she likes. Some of her coworkers teased her about the snacks I have in for her and she admitted to just throwing them out at work. She doesn't have any issue eating them at home, but at work she throws out my baking?

She had some choice words to say about me in her chat, some of which I don't have the courage to type out here. One of her meme pictures was of me on my knees scrubbing a bathroom tile, edited to have some sort of dress on like I was some sort of housewife from the 1960's or something.

I just closed her phone and left the bedroom. I confronted her about the chat in the morning and the contents of it which got her panicking. I focused on our kids this morning and left her to her own devices, it's not like she would have appreciated a 'Kids lunch' anyways. Now she's texting me like crazy at the office, but I think I lost all respect for her and what she's become.

Not only does she find me overbearing and embarrassing as a husband, but then I find out she mocks me to her friends and exposes some sensitive relationship issues to her group chat. This will probably be the last update, since I don't think she can come back from this. We'd just celebrated our 15th anniversary last month too, I feel like a loser now after seeing what my wife actually thinks of me.

Here's what people had to say after the second update:

Fire_or_water_kai wrote:

The only loser here is your wife. She had a considerate partner who loved her and threw it away. Her coworkers are probably one of those groups who like to bash their partners to feel superior. I ran into one of those once, and I can't explain why they do it.

It's weird as hell and stopped hanging with them. Don't change who you are, and don't fall for any manipulation she throws your way. You deserve much better.

Nightwish1976 wrote:

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Just so you know, you are not the loser, she is. If she had problems with the way you treated her (which most wives would just dream about), she should have talked to you, not mock you in a group chat. Good luck!

KingCandy108 wrote:

I hope she ends up with some slob who sits on his a-- drinking beer while she does all the cooking and cleaning since that’s apparently her idea of what a husband should be like. Divorce her and push for full custody of your children for their sake, she neither wants to do chores or have a partner who does chores for her, there’s no way she can keep a household fit for kids like that.

Odd_Welcome7940 wrote:

Let me just leave a twist on this comment. Somewhere right now is a woman who deserves an amazing man. Who can't imagine what it may be like to be doted on and be the center of some man's universe, so to speak (outside your kids).

Secretly, this story is the beginning of the best part of her life. Who knows, maybe one day years from now you will show her this. Hello, lucky stranger. I hope you are as good to him as I am sure he will be for you. Good luck.

Three weeks later, OP shared a third update.

I know I'm going to get some hate for my decision at the end of this all, but I gave my wife one more chance.

She gave me a real apology for her actions and how she treated me about two weeks ago. In her own words, she let her friend's comments at work and her best friends affect her too much. My wife wanted to feel included in the groups by playing both sides, one that has a useless husband and one that has a clingy husband.

She's not using them as an excuse and did take full responsibility for how poorly she treated me which is a plus. She suggested some sort of Marriage counselling for us and insisted on doing the planning herself to show me she's dead serious on wanting to make this work.

She's copied me in her communications with a counsellor, but it'll still be a while before our first appointment.

She's stepped up in the home too, doing more tasks without me asking. The compliments I used to get have also made a return, so I do feel a little more appreciated.

My wife promised me that she wouldn't lie to her friend group anymore and give me the credit I deserve.

The work friends I don't know about, their opinions on me will forever be as they are even though she talked to them.

Part of this feels disingenuous, since it took us getting into a bad spot for this to happen. Maybe it's just resentment talking. I just hope this works out for our sake and the kids. And no, she has not been cheating or had some guy in her ear telling her things. A lot of DMs are asking about that.

Here's what people had to say about the third update:

squish3656 wrote:

No hate, just sadness. She lied about you to her friends, doubled down and got pissed with you when you were upset & didn't immediately drop it, and then simultaneously spent god knows how long mocking you to her work colleagues, took the time to edit photos to belittle you(!), and called you such horrible things that you couldn't repeat them.

I hope you are right, and this is the turning point, but I think IC would be beneficial for you both. To help her figure out why she needs to s--t on her spouse to "fit in", and for you work through what she has done & build your self confidence.

Your spouse is supposed to be in your corner and have your back. Based on your description, you are a dream partner - and she has shit all over you (& everything that you do for her) to seemingly anyone who would listen. You deserve better.

SeaJayCJ wrote:

I think she is just sorry she got caught and is saying/doing whatever's necessary to keep you.

Good luck though. Hope I'm wrong.

MRSAMinor wrote:

I wouldn't believe a word she says about what she tells her friends, and I can guarantee she doesn't have the stones to tell her coworkers. You'll see a little improvement and then she'll go back to using you. Dude, she b-llied you to her friends.

This kinda stuff messes with your self-worth, which is part of how she's convinced you she's enough of a catch to take back.

Your wife should be one of your best friends. I hope you find your way back to yourself.

ThatQuiet8782 wrote:

I'd assume that your wife did the math multiple times and came to the realization that her life would be in the gutters if she went through with a divorce. Plus she's the main income earner and you're the main caregiver, so you'd be entitled to a lot of money post divorce. I say tread lightly and document things, just to be on the safe side, but I do sincerely hope things work out for you.

About 3 weeks later OP added this "final update":

I know I'm going to get some hate for my decision at the end of this all, but I gave my wife one more chance. She gave me a real apology for her actions and how she treated me about two weeks ago. In her own words, she let her friend's comments at work and her best friends affect her too much.

My wife wanted to feel included in the groups by playing both sides, one that has a useless husband and one that has a clingy husband. She's not using them as an excuse and did take full responsibility for how poorly she treated me which is a plus.

She suggested some sort of Marriage counselling for us and insisted on doing the planning herself to show me she's dead serious on wanting to make this work. She's copied me in her communications with a counsellor, but it'll still be a while before our first appointment.

She's stepped up in the home too, doing more tasks without me asking. The compliments I used to get have also made a return, so I do feel a little more appreciated. My wife promised me that she wouldn't lie to her friend group anymore and give me the credit I deserve.

The work friends I don't know about, their opinions on me will forever be as they are even though she talked to them. Part of this feels disingenuous, since it took us getting into a bad spot for this to happen. Maybe it's just resentment talking.

I just hope this works out for our sake and the kids. And no, she has not been cheating or had some guy in her ear telling her things. A lot of DM's are asking about that.