'AITA for buying my niece two pairs of glasses and letting her get contacts?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for buying my niece two pairs of glasses and letting her get contacts?"

I have a 12-year-old niece, Haley. Haley lives with her dad, stepmom, and 4 younger step siblings (2 boys 2 girls, don’t know the exact ages but they seem to be between 5 and 10). Her mom passed when she was 3.

Haley’s dad and stepmom are not well off. They live in a 3 bedroom house so Haley shares a room with her stepsisters. The kids get 1 pair of shoes, reuse school supplies until they’re falling apart, and if their clothes still fit they don’t get new school clothes.

I am doing a lot better but I refuse to help him with money because if I give him money with the direct instructions to get Haley some decent shoes or a nice jacket I expect the money to be used on Haley, not split between all 5 kids. He also dislikes me because he blames me for CPS investigating him and his wife for leaving the kids home alone every day.

Haley stays with me after school and sleeps over a few nights a week because I won’t drop her off if theres not an adult present and I told her not to get on the bus under any circumstances so they can’t tell her I wanted her to take the bus home that day.

Haley and two of her step siblings needed glasses. Nobody was able to take Haley for her eye exam and to get the glasses so they asked me to take her and gave me $100 with the instructions to get the cheapest pair we can find.

I was driving Haley to the eye doctor and she told me she really wanted contacts but her dad said no. I talked to the receptionist and they were able to get her in for a contact fitting that day. After her contact appointment we checked out the glasses and she found 2 pairs that she really liked so I told her to get both. I took her back after school a few days later and picked up a few boxes of contacts.

Her new glasses came in a few days ago and she loves them but her dad is furious about the glasses, then he found out about the contacts (I guess Haley was keeping them in her backpack and never told him about it) so he told her she gets to keep one pair of glasses and everything else has to stay at my house because he’s sick of me and Haley rubbing her stuff in her step-sibling's faces.

Haley responded by packing most of her stuff and walking to my house. Now she’s refusing to go home.

CPS came for another investigation and was told by the kids that Haley doesn’t live there anymore, which is not helping my BIL’s case.

Now my BIL wants me to make Haley come back and stop spoiling her so she won’t rub it in her sibling's faces anymore (her rubbing it in their faces means she put both pairs of glasses on her dresser but it wasn’t fair because the other kids could see it). AITA for getting her contacts and two pairs of glasses?

The commenters did not hold back.

umbreonskittles wrote:

NTA. Glasses and contacts are medical devices needed to see. You are a great aunt for making sure your niece is taken care of.

chocolatechipwizard wrote:

You realize that your brother-in-law and his wife are collecting a Social Security Survivor Benefit check for caring for your niece, right? If she's staying with you, he should NOT be claiming that check.

BerneDoodleLover24 wrote:

NTA. Can Haley live with you?

OP responded:

Yes.

Organic_Start_420 wrote:

Take her on permanently op. NTA. They can't afford apparently not even the other four kids.

No-Proof-3201 wrote:

NTA sounds like you should also file for full custody.

OP responded:

They won’t give it to me willingly and they’re in the middle of a CPS investigation at the moment so it would make officially getting custody tricky. CPS is aware that she’s currently staying with me and that she was previously sleeping over 3-4 days a week, was here every day after school, and came over most weekends to avoid being home alone with 4 young children.

Not long after posting, OP made another post.

My niece is 12-years-old. She’s pretty tiny (4’8, 75 pounds) and has ADHD and type 1 diabetes. For the past month and a half or so she’s constantly complaining about her stomach hurting, her appetite’s decreased, she’s more tired than usual, she either has diarrhea or she’s constipated, and when she has to go to the bathroom she really has to go.

We’ve been to the doctor 3 times. They did an ultrasound on her stomach which showed inflammation around her large intestine. Then she did blood tests and stool tests.

She tested negative for every virus and infection

ESR: 32 CRP: 1.4 WBC: 11.5 Red blood cell count: 3.8 Hgb: 10.2 Hematocrit: 38.7 MCV: 92 RDW, RBC: 11.7 Platelets: 472 Stool calprotectin: 640

The doctor said it’s probably IBS and that she may be getting her period, which could be triggering it or making it worse but I just have a feeling that something’s wrong. She’s staying home from school again today because she just doesn’t feel good and Tylenol isn’t helping. I don’t know what to do at this point. We’re officially adding vomiting as a symptom.

Soon after, OP shared an update.

Update: We’ve been in the hospital since Saturday. My niece got a colonoscopy on Monday and they said she has moderate-severe ulcerative colitis across her entire large intestine. They gave her a blood transfusion, now they’re starting her on a steroid, and when she starts to respond to the steroids they’ll put her on something that can be used longer term.

Ten days later, OP shared another update.

Update - 10 days later

Haley has been in the hospital since Saturday for either ulcerative colitis or Chrons. Her health insurance pretty much only lets her go to the county hospital and medical centers and even this is going to get expensive.

On top of Haley’s stomach situation, she also has type 1 diabetes and adhd (the adhd is currently not being treated). We live 20 minutes away from one of the best children’s hospitals in the country for both GI and diabetes. They also have a great psych department and ADHD clinic. This would be covered under my insurance.

35 minutes in the other direction is another world renowned children’s hospital that I would be able to send her to. I sat Haley’s dad down the other day and showed him how much I was paying each month for Haley between her health insurance premiums, her insulin, monitor, and pump, her EpiPens, doctors appointments, etc.

And told him that I refuse to continue to pay out the ass for her to receive medical care that is subpar at best when, if I was her guardian, she would get some of the best care possible for less than what I’m paying now.

After a long discussion and a lot of back and forth, he agreed to give me guardianship of Haley. We started the process yesterday. She will live with me but will see her dad every other weekend and holiday. We talked to Haley about it today. She is very excited to officially live with me.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Merlerands wrote:

Your sister's husband seems like a real piece of work and you are not the asshole for wanting better for your niece you're the hero.

keesouth wrote:

This seems like the best outcome for Haley.

shouldhaveknown23 wrote:

Agreed. It's one thing to care for a child, but it's not the same as being able to TAKE CARE of a child. By doing this, dad shows his daughter that he loves her enough to let another family member step in where he can't. It takes a real man to do what's right by his child instead of what's easy.

[deleted] wrote:

Okay. So you are using your wealth to take guardianship. You didn't need to do this in order to proffer the better treatment. You made him choose between having legal guardianship and better care.

If there were changes you wanted to facilitate you could have and still has the responsibility not to mention legal power of decision making up to him. And I less you had a real reason to want him to relinquish it...I think this is either half baked rage bait or being written by the other party.

OP responded:

I did. If I get guardianship I’m able to put Haley on my insurance. Putting Haley on my insurance gives her access to world class medical care for less than what I’m currently paying.

Speaking of me paying for medical care, I already pay for Haley’s health insurance premiums, her insulin, her glucose monitors and insulin pumps, her glasses and contacts, doctor copays, labs, and everything else that comes up. Additionally, I contribute towards her father’s mortgage, I occasionally help with utilities, I’ve sent grocery gift cards to the house before.

This man is not able to provide for his daughter and I was sick of paying this much for her to still not be adequately cared for so I sat him down, showed him all that I was doing, and told him to do it himself and take care of his kid or give her to me or let me do it. I’m not going to pay for subpar healthcare, inadequate nutrition, cramped living spaces, etc. anymore.