'AITA for canceling Thanksgiving dinner without telling my family first?'
"AITA for canceling Thanksgiving dinner without telling my family first?"
So I, (30s F) am a single mom and I currently live with my kids and my mom, who is also single. I always cook Holiday dinners, as my Mother can’t cook. This would have been our third thanksgiving dinner. The issue isn’t her lack of cooking. The issue is that she invites guests without telling me until the last minute.
And she doesn’t actually ask, because she will have already invited them and will tell me by posing it as a question. “Oh by the way, I invited your (insert random family member) to come for dinner. Is it ok?” Like lady, you already told them to, so of course if I say no it starts drama. She knows I dislike her family because they are all drama, including her since she entertains it.
So this year I have decided to not cook Thanksgiving dinner.
She asked me the other day what was on the menu for this year and I told her nothing and my reason why.
She loudly says wow and then tried to guilt trip me by reminding me this would be our last year living together. She is retiring and bought a house back in her home country. I told her she will live 30 mins away driving distance. So she chill on the dramatics, and also my kids and I will not be made to feel uncomfortable in our own house.
She tried to deny we were uncomfortable m, until I reminded her we spend the entire time in my room watching movies, until they all leave. I didn’t feel bad at the time but a co-worker of mine did say maybe I should have spoken to her about it instead of her finding out the way she did. So AITA for canceling dinner without telling my mom first?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
demon803 wrote:
NTA, she has taken advantage of you for years. The excuse that someone cannot cook is so lame, anyone can cook if they try! Not sure when your Thanksgiving is (not sure is you live in the US when you sid she was moving to her home country and only 3o minutes away). but giving someone 4 weeks notice should be plenty of time for them to make other plans.
OP responded:
Yes I am in the U.S. my mom is from Mexico. We live in a border state. Her home city is much further away but she decided to retire in the city across border from our current location, as to not be too far from us. For Thanksgiving, she used to go to her sisters, but the last two years she said she preferred staying with me and the kids.
Then the day of or day before is when she would tell me she invited people. I know it’s on purpose because any other time she will tell me when her family is coming over, and usually I will be gone at work, out with kids or something like that.
Comfortable-Sea-2454 wrote:
NTA. So this year I have decided to not cook Thanksgiving dinner. She asked me the other day what was on the menu for this year and I told her nothing and my reason why. She loudly says wow and then tried to guilt trip me by reminding me this would be our last year living together.
She is retiring and bought a house back in her home country. I told her she will live 30 mins away driving distance. So she chill on the dramatics, and also my kids and I will not be made to feel uncomfortable in our own house.
She tried to deny we were uncomfortable m, until I reminded her we spend the entire time in my room watching movies, until they all leave. You were way overdue to put up this boundary OP. Good for you. Now stick to your guns and refuse to do anything/cook anything more than what you, your mom and your kids can eat.
SoMuchMoreEagle wrote:
Info: have you actually talked to her about this issue before this? Have you asked her to not invite certain people?
"She knows I dislike her family because they are all drama, including her since she entertains it."
What do they do, exactly? Is this beyond normal family drama stuff?
OP responded:
I told her it bothered me the first time she did it but continued to do so every time I cook for whatever Holiday. Her family is just super toxic. One of her sisters st*le money from me, and I was called a liar. Wasn’t believed until she stole thousands from a different sister. Never did get an apology.
Another sister accused my ex husband of ab-sing our children because she was mad I didn’t clean her grown, able- bodied son’s house for him and I only cleaned the room I was staying in during the visit. Her mom is also a r0cist against us grandkids who are mixed with Black.
Always treated us different or told us we should bleach our skin when we’re kids. I could go on and on, but we would be here until thanksgiving. I don’t like them, they know it and she certainly knows it too. She just likes to play the fool.
Ok-Horror-1049 wrote:
NTA. I honestly don't believe your mom would have been any less put-out if you had told her in advance. She wants you to cook the dinner. She wants to invite whoever she likes when she wants. Telling her in advance wasn't going to change her wants.
As I said, she most likely would have been irritated no matter when you had this conversation because she doesn't want to be confronted/change her own behavior.
JeepersCreepers74 wrote:
NTA. The thing is, you could still have Thanksgiving Dinner together--if SHE hosted or convinced one of your other "last minute" relatives to do so, and it's certainly her turn. But she's not willing to do this and so the fact that you're missing out on your "last" Thanksgiving before her move is really on her.