'AITA if I can’t answer my husband’s rapid fire interrogations about the things I like?' UPDATED

"AITA if I can’t answer my husband’s rapid fire interrogation?"

I don’t when know if I can explain fully what this situation is but I have no other way to get some answers. Over the ten years (literally 10 years today) of our relationship my husband and I have an all out brawl where I end up getting furious followed by really depressed that he and I cannot have the simplest conversation.

It always starts the same way: I bring up a story, news, podcast, book, article (really doesn’t matter) and he asks questions to poke holes in what I told him. Thats how I interpret it where as he thinks I’m confused or don’t fully understand what I read, listened to, etc. I get flustered because I can’t answer all his questions. For instance I brought up a podcast about a m#rder trial.

Sure I didn’t read all about the case, just found the podcast crazy because of the injustice. This is how it always starts - I find something interesting and want to share it. He thinks he’s just “wanting to know more."

But his language, tone is so antagonistic, charged, condescending. I feel like an idiot and flustered and he’s just asking rapid fire questions to point out I don’t know, that I’m stupid?? I end up crying every time. How can you have a relationship where you can’t share anything.

I feel like he is incapable of listening but he thinks he’s a “prolific listener” because he asks questions. Just f#$king listen dude! He thinks it’s more important to “get all the facts” than it is to just listen to me. Is he TA or am I?

The internet had a lot of thoughts.

notthisagain234 wrote:

NTA. You are going to have to take away the payoff to this behavior, which is the enjoyment he gets from reducing you to tears. Next time, at the first sign he is starting it up, say “never mind, it’s not that interesting.” Then remove yourself to do some other activity. Don’t respond to any further questions/taunts/accusations he will use to try to bait you into responding.

Don’t do it. Stay calm and stay silent, leave or just repeat the statement above. I’m not sure how long it will take him to come up with another tactic of ab#$e once he can no longer get his gratification from this one. Why you would want to remain married to this person is beyond me.

OP responded:

Thanks for sharing. The word prolific was my attempt at being sarcastic.

SweetNothings12 wrote:

Yes, this! I think that there is a difference between someone asking questions out of interest to know more about a topic, and someone asking questions to make the other person feel a certain type of way.

If you feel like he is trying to make you feel stupid, and it's a recurring pattern, and he doesn't change this behaviour even though it makes you visibly upset, it probably serves a purpose for him. Does he do this with other people as well?

OP responded:

I’ve heard him do it to his dad. He always saying how stupid his dad is.

Classic_Ad3987 wrote:

It is a power play. He is super insecure that you might know something that he doesn't so he has to "poke holes" in what you know to "put you in your place". He wants to feel smart so asking lots of questions that you can't answer makes him feel superior. His like to put you down to make himself feel better.

This is a type of narcissistic behavior, he has feel he is better than you and this is how he does it. He has been doing a form of this for 10 years, it is up to you if you want to put up with it for another 10, 20, 30 years, the rest of your life.

He won't change and nothing you say or do will convince him to stop treating you like an illiterate child. Explaining how you feel will not help as he feels joy when you are frustrated or upset because he knows he pushed you and is now in control of your emotional state and he can revel in that power you gave him.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Updates: thanks for all the comments and glad to know I’m NTA. Some folks have said to tell him to research it which is probably best thing to do. But what often happens is I become the person defending the podcast (how can I believe she isn’t the k#!ler), news article (why do I think marjuuana causes schizophrenia), etc. All I’m trying to do is talk about something. I don’t necessarily believe what it’s saying but he makes me feel like it’s a thesis I have to defend!

The comments kept coming.

believe_in_claude wrote:

NTA. He knows what he's doing, by the way. If every time you try to share a story he asks so many confrontational questions that you cry and it keeps happening he's well aware that it's causing you distress. How can you have a relationship when you can't share anything? You can't. Nor should you be with someone who gets satisfaction from making you cry.

yepitsausername wrote:

NTA. It's clear that your goal in having a conversation is to connect and communicate, and his goal is to win. You're giving him what's called a "bid." For ex. "Wow, this podcast was crazy!" What you're looking for is connection: "Holy cow, that does sound crazy!" Would be the response if he actually bought in and wanted to connect back.

Instead he's shooting down your bid and using it as a tool to push you down and make himself feel better about himself. I've been in a relationship like this before. It was the loneliest I've ever felt, so I left. You're going to have to decide what kind of relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life.

Infidelchick wrote:

NTA. He's probably not as smart as he thinks he is if he really used the phrase "prolific listener" - I assume he meant proficient. Anyway, I sometimes do this or something close enough (just not making my partner feel like I'm sufficiently interested in what he's telling me), and it's not a good thing. It's because I'm a grumpy PITA.

The reason I'm telling you is because even though I'm prone to that kind of behaviour, I would never defend it, and in fact actively try to fight the instinct. I wonder why your husband is more interested in proving he's right than in accepting it makes you feel rubbish?

Chris-Cozz9 wrote:

NTA. This is controlling dominating behavior like a form of intellectual bullying. I know--I have been in this place. You can't meet him on the argumentation and explanation level. You need to shut it down. I suggest you say something honest like "this feels bad, i hate this, I don't want to discuss it anymore." He has all his points but your feelings are valid and matter.