'AITA for charging my GF for rides after finding out she charged me rent in a house she owns?' UPDATED

"AITA for charging my girlfriend for rides after finding out she charged me rent for years in a house she owns?"

‎I’ve been living with my girlfriend for about 5 years. When the pandemic hit, I lost my place. At the time, we’d only been dating for a year. I asked if I could stay with her temporarily while I figured things out. She agreed, as long as I covered the rent, and she’d handle the other household expenses. It seemed fair, so I moved in and paid the full rent each month. ‎ ‎

Less than a year ago, I found out the place isn’t rented at all it actually belongs to her or her family. She never told me. They’ve never paid rent. ‎ ‎I felt pretty hurt and betrayed. It wasn’t just about the money it was the lack of honesty. I brought it up, expecting at least a serious conversation or an apology. Instead, she basically said, “You agreed to pay, so what’s the issue?”

I told her I wasn’t comfortable continuing to pay for something that doesn’t cost her anything, especially when she doesn’t work and gets money from her parents. I decided to start saving that money instead. ‎She then said her parents only allowed me to live there because I was paying rent. I asked her to talk to them about changing that or at least give me time to save up and find my own place.

She refused. She didn’t even try to discuss it with them. ‎After that, I started making jokes whenever she asked me to drive her somewhere. I’d say things like, “That’ll be five bucks,” or “Your Uber has arrived.” They were just jokes I wasn’t actually charging her but it was my way of poking fun at the situation. ‎ She didn’t take it well.

We had a big argument, and I told her that if she could charge me to live in her house, I could joke about charging her to use my car. ‎ ‎Since then, things have been tense. She stopped talking to me, started cooking just for herself, and pretty much ignores me. A few weeks ago, she felt sick late at night and didn’t tell me anything she just called an Uber and left. I only found out afterward.

I told her she should’ve said something, but she didn’t seem to care. ‎Now I’m sitting here wondering if I was out of line. I still feel like I was taken advantage of, but maybe the jokes were too much. Then again, if the roles were reversed, I would’ve never asked her to pay rent to live in a house that cost me nothing. ‎ ‎So, AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

throwaway12684 wrote:

No matter who owns the house, you wouldn't live rent-free.

It is time for you to move out. If you don't have a savings account with enough money for a security deposit & two months' rent, it is time for you to get a second job.**

OP responded:

The house is owned, and when that's the case, there's no mortgage to pay. Only the services you use, like water, electricity, etc.

throwaway12684 responded:

Nope. First, many home owners absolutely have mortgages. In fact it’s almost impossible to get a mortgage on a house you don’t own. If you’re assuming there isn’t a mortgage because you were told her family own the home that’s unfounded.

But even once the mortgage is paid off there’s property taxes (which can easily be $10,000 per year for a very modest house), insurance and maintenance. Your use of the home creates wear & tear that devalues it and its contents. And you living there is opportunity cost - that space isn’t being rented out to a lodger or used for something else.

Expecting to live in your gf or her family’s home without paying is not ok.

And money or support your gf gets from her parents is her money. If her parents are providing her with free or reduced rent or help with her portion of bills that has zero effect on your contribution.

OP responded:

I'm from the Caribbean, and in my country, there are no mortgages on properties that you already own. You only pay a tax if the property is of very high value or used for commercial purposes, but that doesn't apply to residential homes. I understand it's your money, but I believe I deserved more consideration and honesty from the start.

damarooni wrote:

1000% NTA…all the people saying “YTA” overlooked the fact your GF doesn’t have a job so the money you are supposed to be paying for rent is essentially paying for all the utilities the GF is supposed to be responsible for.

Honestly this would be a massive dealbreaker for me. Had she been upfront and honest you could’ve offered to pay the utilities and food but yeah no she had to trick you into thinking something else.

OP responded:

That is the essence of my frustration. Why not tell me the truth and charge me such a full rent when you don’t even need it? I never intended to live for free, but if your parents have been covering the other expenses since before I moved in, then at least charge a more reasonable rent.

[deleted] wrote:

Depends what she was asking for…was the rent proportionate to what a single person would pay or was she asking you to pay full rate for 2 people living there (inc all the utilities etc) Regardless of whether it was owned or not - I would never expect to live there for free. I would happily pay 50% as I’m living in someone else’s property. If you think you should be living there for nothing - YTA.

OP responded:

The deal was that I would pay the full rent, and she would cover the utilities. I assumed that before I moved in, her parents were paying the rent and other expenses since she doesn’t work.

So it was bittersweet for me to realize the truth: I was paying rent for two people when I should only be paying for myself, because she owns the place and her share is already settled. Besides rent, I’ve also covered other expenses.

If she had been honest from the start and told me she expected me to pay half, I would have understood. But paying it all without transparency felt more like a joke than a fair arrangement.

aboobooboo wrote:

I think you’re way out of line. What happened to you only staying till you figured things out. If she’s paying for water, power, internet, food, phone, shampoo, dish soap and so on I’d say you have a pretty good deal. Have you seen the prices of a one bedroom. Pfffft.

OP responded:

I always bought my own personal hygiene items, and even hers too—it was never a bother for me. After living together for a while, we both agreed to stay that way because we worked well as a couple, and we were planning to get married once she finished her studies.

It wasn’t a spontaneous decision; it was something we committed to with dedication and a future in mind. I know rent is expensive in other places, but that doesn’t justify hiding the truth or making rent the top priority when we could’ve been saving for a wedding, travel, or other shared goals that mattered to both of us.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Honestly, I wasn’t even planning to post an update because some of y’all really came at me like I committed a crime. You used my original post as a place to dump all your personal frustrations especially that little union of single moms (I now fully understand why they’re single, by the way).

Yeah, I get it in the original story I might’ve come off as the bad guy. But no matter what I said in the comments, no matter how small the clarification, I was always painted as the villain. Some of you acted like vultures just waiting to tear someone apart and feel morally superior about it even though a lot of the criticism said more about you than it did about me.

Let’s clear some things up.

The house belonged to her parents. When I moved in, I thought it was a rental and that her parents were the ones paying the rent. When I moved in, the condition was that I would pay the full rent, which I agreed to.

Less than a year ago, I found out that the house actually belonged to her parents. I asked her to talk to them about lowering the rent, but she refused without even asking them. Now the house is under her name it no longer has anything to do with her parents and even then, she still didn’t want to lower the rent.

I clarified it like this because the translation seemed confusing. I never said I shouldn’t pay rent. What I said is that my partner never told me the house was hers. I was paying a rent that, compared to other places, was pretty damn high and I agreed to it in the middle of a pandemic, when I literally had no other option. I wasn’t trying to freeload I was trying to survive.

The issue is that she made me believe the house was her parents’, and now it turns out it was hers all along. I even asked her to talk to her parents about lowering the rent back then, and she refused.

Now that I know it’s hers, I’m still expected to pay full rent, no discussion. If we were living in a place neither of us owned, we’d split the rent 50/50. But because it’s hers, I cover it all? How does that make sense? Equality only seems to apply when it benefits some of y’all bring up fairness and suddenly it’s pitchforks and double standards.

And a lot of you came at me like I was your ex. I didn’t need blind support I just wanted perspective. But instead, I got a courtroom and a sentence. Also, huge cultural disconnect here: I’m Dominican. Where I’m from, people don’t deal with mortgages or mandatory home insurance. You buy land or a house, pay a one-time transfer fee or tax, and that’s it. If something breaks, you fix it.

Most people don’t have to pay insane monthly costs unless they’re dealing with banks or luxury properties. Basic services like garbage collection are free in many areas. I pay the equivalent of $338 in rent in a country where the minimum wage is around $394. I earn more than double that, and that rent still eats up almost half my income.

On top of that, I contribute in other ways: food, shared expenses, stuff we enjoy together. My girlfriend doesn’t work she studies. Her parents cover water and electricity, and I genuinely thought they were covering rent too. Before moving in, I lived alone and paid $160. This was a planned decision between the two of us.

We had a great relationship, and we were working toward a future together not me trying to leech off her. Also, no she doesn’t do everything around the house. I cook. I clean. I contribute. But I didn’t write out a full day-to-day breakdown because I was asking for advice about one specific issue. Y’all ran wild filling in the blanks with whatever narrative fit your outrage.

So here’s the update you didn’t want:

We’re still together. We’re doing fine. And to everyone who came at me with cheap insults and zero nuance: I genuinely hope your night isn’t as good as you hoped.

Unsurprisingly, the internet continued to share their thoughts.

facinationstreet wrote:

Aaaand you come across even worse in this update. Why do you feel the need to justify your anger/hurt/feeling betrayed by someone you trusted? Zero nuance was your doing. Move on man.

Silvermorney wrote:

Why did you stay? She lied to and manipulated you for a year? How did that not destroy your trust?

Itzie4 wrote:

You do realize that there are costs to owning a home, right? Mortgage payments, property taxes, insurance, utilities, HOA fees, repairs, lawn. Your rent is going towards all of that. Your rent sounds very low and reasonable too. And you still want it lowered?

You basically are wanting her and her family to support you while she/they pay for the entire house (all the fees mentioned above) and you only pay the internet bill. Look up the average mortgage payment (1600+/month in the DOP) and property tax payment (1-2k/year in the DOP).

A lower rent than what you pay sounds totally unreasonable. I know a dude who pays double what you pay just to sleep on a couch in a living room.

If you want equity, ask for your payments to also go towards equity now that you know she’s owner. But no one is forcing you to stay there.

Duckr74 wrote:

WTAF are you still with her? YTAH for staying in the relationship. Quit your b#$ching! You can’t have your cake and eat it too!