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'AITA for cheating on my spouse?' 'The understanding was that this was an open marriage.'

'AITA for cheating on my spouse?' 'The understanding was that this was an open marriage.'


"AITAH for 'cheating' on my spouse?"

10 years-ish ago I caught dear spouse cheating on me. DS said they didn’t want a divorce and does still love me, but didn’t find me attractive anymore, and wanted an open marriage.

Not having any family support aside from DS, not having a job good enough to financially support myself, and already having terrible self esteem, I agreed. Since then, DS has had three other partners that I’m aware of (one was an ongoing affair that lasted more than 2 years), I’ve had none.

Not long ago, DS was bragging to some friends about the situation. From what I’m told, basically making fun of me for being so “weak and spineless” that I’d let them sleep around.

One of these friends came to me after and offered that if I was interested in taking advantage of the open marriage, they were def interested. I talked to DS about this, and DS said if I was interested, I should go for it. So I did. Now DS is mad at me.

They say I cheated, I’ve ruined our life together, and destroyed their trust, told our kids, friends, anyone that will listen that I’ve cheated and how I keep blaming DS for me cheating.

Told their friends and coworkers that they don’t want to be with me anymore, the only reason they’re still with me is bc they don’t want to share custody of the kids.

I remember being hurt and angry when I caught DS cheating 10 yr ago but I feel like this is a different situation. The understanding was that this was an open marriage that DS asked for. Am I wrong here?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

SunnyGirlDD said:

Definitely NTA. Open marriages swing both ways. Sounds like your “DS” is looking for a doormat & not a life partner.

master_dman said:

NTA. Your partner can't have it both ways.

ChampionshipFar2850 said:

NTA. But if my spouse is making fun of me in front of friends it would mean big problems.

ScarletDarkstar said:

NTA but you need to split this up. Your spouse treats you with zero respect, and you are teaching your kids to accept being treated this way in a relationship.

Stop focusing on what your partner wants like you are irrelevant. It's not just about one person bending to the will of another. Get some resilience in your backbone and offer shared custody or none. Don't continue to placate this user.

3littlepixies said:

This is actual gaslighting. You deserve better. Don’t worry about what his coworkers do and do not know. Only consider what you FEEL COMFORTABLE sharing with your family. DROP THE SHAME.

You did zero wrong and all he’s doing is showing his arse to the world. He was just telling these people you were spineless. I guess that is inaccurate!! Good for you for getting at least one good lick in. When you’re ready, consider a partner worthy of YOU!

Shin-NoGi said:

NTA, but there is this weird dynamic where people that don't respect themselves, don't get respected. Keep standing your ground. Maybe even consider leaving honestly, i don't know how much love remains both ways. Doesn't sound healthy.

Everyone was on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for this couple?

Sources: Reddit
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