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'AITA for how I 'checked' my pregnant neighbor for how she was acting with my husband?'

'AITA for how I 'checked' my pregnant neighbor for how she was acting with my husband?'


Grief can make people act differently, but that's still not an excuse for mistreating people.

"AITA for how I 'checked' my pregnant neighbor for how she was acting with my husband?"

My family (me, husband, 2 daughters) live directly across from our neighbor, "Ade" who is from what I remember, 6 months pregnant. Our neighborhood grew close when her husband died two months ago due to a dr*nk driver. The entire neighborhood basically came to help and even now the community still does semi-monthly-ish BBQs and stuff.

We know how it felt to have a parent absent (now, no, my husband did not die but he was still deployed when we were pregnant with our first. I know that this is NOT the same thing she is going through) so we often checked on her, invited her over, conversations on how to handle being on your own while pregnant. For a couple of weeks now, she's been asking my husband to be her handyman.

My husband has no issue with this and neither did I until a week or so ago. She asks my husband for help over the simplest things and barely talks to me anymore. Most times she'll knock, ask if my husband is home and if I say no, she tells me to let him know she needs him and walks off. No talking, having chai together, nothing. I can admit I am a little bit jealous and felt weird about this.

It was like she was only wanting my husband around. I tried to push these feeling aside until the first incident. Basically she knocked on my door and handed a covered plate of cookies. I got excited and started to thank her, how the girls love cookies, but she she interrupted me and told me that these were STRICTLY for my husband. Not for us. I had a sour taste in my mouth and thanked her.

It made me feel like she was trying to have a Big House and Little House situation. I let my husband know what happened and how I felt. He assured me nothing was going on (no doubt) but he also agreed that what she did was disrespectful. We agreed he would stop going over. He would give her the numbers of men he knows who do maintenance. She has been cold with us.

The second incident happened when the community was having a BBQ in our neighborhood park. The children were running around and us adults were sitting with the lawn chairs talking about whatever. Ade piped up and said how she is grateful to us all for helping her, even me after "it was strange how you basically forbid your husband to come over to help anymore."

I got a little mad, like I was slapped by God himself, and just said "well, baking a gift for my husband only and saying his wife and daughters aren't included is strange too." Another neighbor changed the topic, it was awkward. I'm sure there's gossip and whatnot. On one hand I know she must still be grieving and maybe she's just looking to have someone to be there for her.

On the other hand, I feel like the incident with the cookies and then the BBQ makes me feel disrespected. My husband is not happy with how I responded. He says it is not my job to 'check' someone and I shouldve just let her talk. I guess I just want to know if I was a jealous AH through all of this. I dont really have anyone I could talk to about this personally.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

CheerilyTerrified wrote:

NTA. I get that she is grieving, and probably not in her right mind, but the cookies thing was weird. If she'd said, I made them for husband, as a thanks for all the work he's done for me, that's fair. But to say they are strict just for him, that's weird. And you were basically politely letting it go until she called you out in public so I think it is fair to answer her in public.

Plus honestly, how much DIY or maintenance help does one house need? It's been two months since her husband died and your husband has had to go over multiple times? As a single woman who is useless at DIY and has to get someone in to fix almost anything, I don't having people calling monthly never mind weekly.

OP responded:

I do not know the maintenance her home needs. I know some houses are minor 'fixers' so maybe that. My husband often just mentions plumbing or ventilation.

ResponsibleHold7241 wrote:

NTA, she tried to embarrass you and was counting on your silence due to her situation. No one's going to comment on husband being TA for not standing up for his wife? This is reddit, how many stories is this the first red flag and then it turns out stuff was going on. She took a shot at OP, OP fired back, husband sided with NOT HIS WIFE.

OP you seem completely convinced your husband is innocent, maybe he is, but why did he choose HER? Does he like the attention and secretly resents you interfering? I know you will say no, but...he didn't choose you in a public moment when this lady took a nasty shot at you.

ladysaraii wrote:

NTA .I will say that the time to check her was when she brought the cookies. I would've given them back bc her gift was disrespectful. Or I'd have thrown them out. But since she decided to be snarky to you, I understand why you went off. And your husband should be on the same page with you.

RolePlayer_MidRNova wrote:

NTA. I get that she's grieving, but it definitely feels like she was using your husband as a surrogate for her own and trying to get you out of the way. Her comment was weird. If anyone made things awkward, it was her. You clapped back because she was being disrespectful.

Frankly, your HUSBAND should have spoken up to say it was his own decision not to keep coming over. So sure, your husband is right that it's not your job to "check" someone. It was his job, and he failed, so you stepped up.

murphy2345678 wrote:

NTA it was nice of your husband to help her with things around the house. But in all seriousness what has she needed done so bad in the last two months? Unless it was an emergency then she should be hiring someone.

She also should be appreciative of everyone who has been supporting her during such a hard time. I personally would be thanking by the whole family of anyone who has helped me. The cookie thing is what makes me question her motives.

HyenaStraight8737 wrote:

NTA. Grief isn't an excuse to act like she is...he's your husband not hers. She's over used her welcome doing what she did. There's no reason on earth for her to do that about the cookies, unless she's overreaching and over extending her welcome in your lives.

Your hubby is a packaged deal and if she wants to bake food to thank him, the thanks is extended to your whole household for him taking time away from the children in it, to help her. And that's what I'd sink my teeth in about.

The kids were essentially sharing their father with this woman, she's monopolizing his time. She could have worked out a list and said hey could you help me with this on the weekend vs coming in constantly to pull him away from whatever he is currently doing with your family.

She's not family. She's a neighbour going through a hard time you guys wanted to help, because you guys are good and decent people. She's used and abused that, and now needs to step back into being just the neighbour you occasionally take pity on and send some cooked meals too once she's given birth.

OP is clearly NTA here.

Sources: Reddit
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