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'AITA for choosing my grandfather to walk me down the aisle instead of my father?' UPDATED 2X

'AITA for choosing my grandfather to walk me down the aisle instead of my father?' UPDATED 2X

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Sometimes, you're tasked with choosing between two very bad options, and it's truly no fun.

"AITA for choosing my grandfather to walk me down the aisle instead of my father?"

I (23F) I'm engaged to Michelle (25F). I came out to my father when I was 15 and he showed me a great deal of homoph*bia. I was miserable and my twin sister (23F) was there for me. When I turned 18 years old I left home and cut off my father. My father and grandfather don't have a good relationship because of some things that happened in the past.

I don't know what exactly because both of them would change the subject when I used to ask about it. A few weeks ago I asked my grandfather if he would be willing to walk me down the aisle instead of my father and he accepted.

I don't know how my father got wind of it but after five years of no contact he has called me scr*aming and cussing at me for choosing that in his worlds 'horrible human being' to walk me down the aisle. After he hung up I was in tears. Now I have to ask AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

EDIT: My father isn't even invited to the wedding. If you ask where my mother is in all this she tragically passed away because of child birth. The doctor said it was because of a hemorrhage that's why me and my sister were so close to our mother, our mother's side of the family because we wanted to have someone who was close and related to our mother's family.

After I came out my mother's side of the family. After I came out they started being passive aggressive towards me. They never really showed their prejudice against homos*xual people. I never saw through the snarky comments and hom*phobic jokes because I never was in that kind of situation.

The reason why I saw through my father's prejudice is because he used to call me names like w*ore, l*stful devil, disappointing child, useless and so much more. I regret not seeing through my mother's family prejudice against me and my fiance.

The internet had nothing but support to offer.

brsox2445 wrote:

NTA. How could your father expect to be able to walk you down the aisle when he was bigoted against you?

OP responded:

I don't know why he contacted me out of nowhere and thinks he deserves to walk me down the aisle. I feel so lost and the har*ssment for my mother's side and some of his side of the family isn't helping either.

TheCatisright wrote:

NTA

Your father stopped being a father so he forfeited that privilege.

[deleted] wrote:

Why did you cry for? Your dad hates LGBTQ! F#$k him. You should not cry for him! Block him. He's only here for "his image." He's fake AF.

NTA. Your grandfather sounds great!

caucasian88 wrote:

NTA. If I were you I would not even have him at the wedding. A wedding is a celebration of families joining. He's made it clear that he's not part of your family.

Straysmom wrote:

NTA. The old saying of The pot calling the kettle Black is apt here. Meaning, he whined about being cut out of your wedding after giving you shit for coming out. He's just butt hurt that you chose his "mortal enemy" over him. He could care less about you & your wedding. Hypocrisy at its finest.

Fun_Concentrate_7844 wrote:

NTA. You need to choose who you feel connected to in your important moments. I'm guessing your father and grandfather had a terrible relationship, but it doesn't have anything to do with you. My dad physically and emotionally abused me to the point I ended up going no contact. My kids and grandkids had a good relationship with him, and I never spoke an ill word about him to them their entire life.

Sometimes it sucked for me because deep down it felt like I was getting stabbed in the back a little by my family, but the reality is it isn't my place to to push my relationship problems onto my kids.

I'm guessing your father is feeling betrayed that you are having someone walk you down the aisle he resents more than that he isn't walking you. I'm guessing he didn't think that was going to be part of your ceremony. But it's all on him for how he treated you for the path you have chosen. Congrats and I hope it is a great day for you!

Ready_Competition_ 66 wrote:

The hom*ph*bic jokes WERE them telling you that you weren't welcome. I have had to endure that too. I'm sorry you've had so much pain to deal with. Your dad is clearly upset that you are choosing to honor his dad. It has nothing to do with not being the one to walk you down the aisle.

He is probably still as hom*phobic as always and would have rejected it if you had offered him the chance.

I suggest blocking his number and on any social media accounts you have.

Ditto for your bride. Consider blocking any of the other family members who have shown h*stility. I also suggest hiring security for the wedding and reception venues. Make sure they have a photo of your dad. Best wishes and congratulations on coming out and finding someone to marry! I hope you're able to build a warm and welcoming family with her and your combined friends!

OP responded:

Thank you for the advice. It's well needed.

RepulsiveGarbage8188 wrote:

What kind of “man” disowns his daughter like that? Understand that he cares nothing for you or for walking you down the aisle, he just doesn’t like that you slighted him publicly. The irony is that he’s handed you the perfect revenge/middle finger to serve right back up to him….and ice cold is the best way.

Old_Leadership_5000 wrote:

Why would a hom*ph*bic father want to be involved in your wedding anyway? (NOTE: This is a rhetorical question---it's clear he's under the delusion that he has any input in your life).

A few days later, OP shared another update.

First of all I want to thank you all for all the support and advice you had given me but I gave good news I found out why my father and grandfather don't talk anymore.

I didn't mention it in my last post because I thought it was irreverent but my father(45m) is an atheist and my grandfather is a christian.

My grandfather (75m) was ab#sive towards my grandmother and father. Now everything made sense.

How did I found out? I met my father at a café when I saw him after 5 years I wanted to cry What shocked me was my father's reaction. He hugged me thitly and started apologizing over and over for his hom*phobic behaviour and ab#sive behaviour. He started explaining everything about his and grandfather's fall out.

It was an emotional conversation. At the end of the our meeting I told him i don't know if I would even forgive him. He was understanding and he wouldn't pressure me into forgiving him. I asked him how he found out about my grandfather walking me down the aisle instead of him? He told me it was my sister who told him. He apologized for his reaction.

He was extremely angry about the fact that my grandfather would walk me down the aisle instead of him but he said he understands if he wouldn't be invited to the wedding. He also said he would help me with everything I need. I nod and leave. Now I have to confront my grandfather if he's really an ab#ser I would cut him out of my life. I cut everyone out who har*ssed me and my fiance.

Commenters were quick to respond.

llamadrama2021 wrote:

Don't be so quick to believe your father. He hasn't shown you great integrity in the past. And you need to find out why your sister told your father in the first place. That's a huge breach of trust.

OP responded:

I want my grandfather's side of the story as well but I don't know how to approach the subject even though I have done so many times in the past.

BlueGreen_1956 wrote:

Do you seriously think your grandfather will admit to being an ab#ser even if he is?

OP responded:

Most likely he won't.

IndivididualRoyal9426 wrote:

I dont exactly trust your father. It's not impossible that your grandfather has been good to you but ab#sive towards others, but it's very possible that your father is lying to destroy your relationship with your grandfather.

JournalLover50 wrote:

You do realize that your grandfather is the cause of your father’s ab#se?

It happened with my mother cause my b#$ch if a grandmother hated my mother cause my grandfather loved my mother more than her. That’s why I am estranged from her and is sad she’s my only grandmother alive.

Four months later, OP shared another update.

Hey guys. I know it's been a long time but I really needed some time with my wife. A few months ago I had talked about my decision to let my grandfather walk me down the aisle instead of my father. I'm finely ending a painfully chapter of my. The outcome of my confrontation with my grandfather (76m) was...I can't even describe it.

Everything that my father told me was true. The ab#se the manipulation. I decided to cutt off my grandfather. I knew he was a religious man but I didn't expect him to be so cruel to my father. Oh and the person who ended up walking me down the aisle? My twin sister. I don't think my relationship with my father will ever be as good as and my sister's and I but we're working on it. Thanks for the support.

The internet had OP's back.

Big_Alternative_3233 wrote:

Did your father come to the wedding?

OP responded:

Yes he did.

Matchamagpie wrote:

OP got dealt such a raw hand -- a homophobic father and a grandfather who stood by her but ended up being an ab#sive monster as well. She needs to work through all of this in a safe place. This is a time when therapy could really help.

greymoria wrote:

So the atheist called her a l*stful devil, but the Christian was passive aggressive, isn't that usually the other way around?

Glad she chose her sister, that was a lovely thing to do.

Captain_Spectrum wrote

Dammit I don’t want to poke holes in this one, but the pious religious grandfather was happy to walk his lesbian granddaughter down the aisle and the atheist was homophobic and calling her a “l*stful devil?”

PS: I’m absolutely adding “l*stful devil” to my daily lexicon.

Sources: Reddit
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