'AITA for confronting my dad’s new wife at their anniversary dinner after she annoyed me?'

"AITA for confronting my dad’s new wife at their anniversary dinner?"

My (24M) parents divorced when I was 16 after my dad had an affair with the woman he’s now married to. It was messy. My mom was devastated, and I basically had to be the emotional adult while she broke down.

I’ve always been civil to his wife, but we’re not close. At their 5-year wedding anniversary dinner last weekend, she gave this speech thanking “our blended family” and saying how proud she was of “the son I’ve come to love like my own.”

It hit a nerve. After her speech, I quietly told her I didn’t appreciate being spoken about like that, it felt fake, considering she helped blow up my family.

She said I was being childish and rude on her special night. I told her if she wanted respect, she should’ve respected someone else’s marriage before inserting herself into it.

My dad got really upset and said I ruined the night. My stepmom started crying and left the table. My aunt (dad’s sister) later told me I should’ve just smiled through it and not caused drama.

AITA for finally saying something?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

WildKissQueen wrote:

NTA. You didn't ruin the night, the affair did.

BothTreacle7534 wrote:

NTA. There was no reason for her to add that into her speech, there is all the reasons for you to point that out. you were actually rather considerate for speaking to her about it quietly after the speech, I see nothing ‘childish’ in your reaction, but a lot of ‘childishness’ in adding her sentence, and also in how the dad and aunt reacted.

Either an automatic reaction, like the younger generation said something uncomfortable and as such gets judged as ‘childish’ (instead of really thinking about it) or they are not willing to actually even try to see your POV, feelings, and the situation at its whole.

Too many people expect the victim or the people getting hurt too by a situation/change/… to simply take it for life, never being ‘allowed’ to speak about it, seek an apology or e.g. getting back something stolen (like pictures, family heirlooms, or worse), for reasons of their own inconveniences like not to have to do the apology, support the hurt one vs the family.

Often they speak about respect, family, but that goes two ways, what your stepmother did was the opposite of giving respect, you actually gave respect by speaking to her silently. She probably made it a big thing, a drama by crying, involving others. In a way she widened the distance between you and your father, I hope that wasn’t intentional

There is a physical law: action = reaction, the one who did the action started it, people should stop to ‘frown’ at the reaction people (in the hope I translated that correctly, not a native English speaker).

Niffina_Lice wrote:

Sounds like your dad and the AP don’t want to admit their actions had negative consequences on others. In past and present. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Even this story she wanted others to believe of her being a warm fuzzy stepmom (and not the AP).

I don’t know if you know the acronym of DARVO. But the first two letters is about a toxic person Denying Accountability. The RVO of DARVO—is Reverse who is Victim and Offender. 🤦🏻‍♀️. She and your dad are gaslighting you that you’re the offending party and that AP is a victim of “your actions.” 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

NTA. It’s not your fault if they get mad that REAL reality won’t match their upside-down version of reality. It’s never your job to protect them from the reality of how their actions negatively impact others.

Your aunt asking you to “help” protect AP from reality by you smiling — is her asking you to “ENABLE” someone who isn’t coping well with reality. Your father and AP are a mess. But unless enough people push back and tell them that (or pull away to get away from their toxic orbit ) , these 2 will have no reason to ever get better.

I honestly don’t even think you would have said something Except the AP decided to test to see if she could get away with saying that. She didn’t ask your consent before misrepresenting your guy’s relationship.

So all you can do is give her feedback after she says nonsense. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I mean she’s setting you up for her to have to be upset “at you.” (She’s upset at reality, OP. You’re just the messenger).

And you let her know you didn’t feel comfortable with the story not matching the truth. That’s a reasonable boundary to assert.

That’s another red flag to this. All these people thinking that you having (healthy) boundaries is the true issue or problem?! 😳🚩

Hungry_Fudge_4255 wrote:

NTA. I’d let your dad know that while you’ve been civil to his wife not to mistake it love or acceptance. Their choices led to destroy the family you knew and loved and while they may be happy with their choices doesn’t mean you have to be. She can’t go crying about the aftermath of the affair she was a willing participant in or try to rewrite the circumstances & history of her relationship.

BadBadSib254 wrote:

NTA. It would've been very easy (and perhaps cathartic) to cause a scene, but you chose to handle your displeasure with the AP's speech in a mature way. You waited until she was done speaking, said something quietly, and did not allow her to insult you.

While others have asked "why were you there?" I think that it's a little silly to ignore the fact that you could have attended the dinner for people other thank your cheating father and his wife.

I will, however, mention that your father is just as (more, really) culpable for the dissolution of your parents' marriage. I don't think that it's necessary to go to fisticuffs with him over it, but you may want to investigate those feelings.