'AITA for giving crappy Christmas gifts and ruining my marriage? My in-laws already didn't like me.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for giving crappy Christmas gifts and ruining my marriage?"

I (31F) married my soon to be ex-husband (M33) in 2018. My in-laws never liked me and made it clear. STBX insisted that they're just putting up a tough exterior and they'll grow to love me. To show how evil they are, one time I joined them for dinner and brought a cake I'd made (because I was always raised to be a gracious guest).

When I stepped into the kitchen and offered the cake to his mother as a thank you for inviting me, she took the plate over to the garbage bin, dumped it in, and handed me the plate back.

When I told my husband what she did, he confronted her and all of a sudden the crocodile tears started and she claimed she grabbed the plate but didn't get a good grip, I let go to quickly, and it fell to the floor, so of course it had to be thrown away. My SIL "confirmed" that was what happened.

My STBX owned his own business and they called me a gold-digger behind his back. Of course they insisted on a pre-nup, which I didn't care about because I never thought my marriage would end and it would appease them and may allow them to finally treat me kindly. Nope. His business failed once C0vid hit.

We went through his savings and my own trying to keep it afloat. I refused to go into debt to keep it going, so he closed it down. In 2022, he was suffering from really bad depression because he lost his business and couldn't find new work. He suggested we move to his hometown, closer to his family, so he had a larger support network.

Against my best judgement we did. He wanted to only work part time while he tried to restart his business, so I became the main breadwinner. And as with most wives, I became the person in charge of buying gifts. Stupid ol' me thought buying them thoughtful, expensive gifts would finally make them see I wanted to be accepted by them.

Gifts to us were a "couples gift" but clearly for my STBX only. Every holiday was spent with them. Monthly dinners with the whole family. After a year, I realised that if I ever tried to talk or join a conversation, everyone would go quiet, so I just stopped talking when I visited. In early December they finalized plans for Christmas.

A few days later my STBX said his family decided they didn't want me to join them for Christmas Eve Dinner and Christmas Lunch because I ruin the family vibe. I replied, "Fine, we'll do our own thing instead." My STBX sheepishly looked away and said he was still going to go. I was livid and so disappointed in him. That was the moment I knew my marriage was over.

So I returned the presents I had bought for his family. In their place, I got one pair of novelty business socks for FIL, a supermarket brand bottle of shampoo for MIL, the nastiest perfume I could find at the dollar store for SIL. The most expensive gift was a large rawhide bone for BIL and his wife's chihuahua (too big for it to get its jaw around, rendering it useless).

I saved about $600 to put on a deposit for a new apartment.

My husband come home from Christmas lunch telling me I humiliated him and embarrassed him in front of his family.

I asked him why would he think I'd buy nice gifts for people who clearly don't like me and don't want me around? Served divorce papers last week. Remember how he was supposed to be a millionaire by now so we had that pre-nup? STBX is not eligible for any of my savings (it was required to keep separate accounts) or alimony.

He doesn't have money for rent and auto insurance. Not my problem anymore. Some of my friends and family and on my side and proud that I went out in a blaze of glory. Others are telling me I was being way too petty, which isn't really like me. So, AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Icy_Material_4387 wrote:

NTA. He chose his family over you and still expected you to buy all the presents? This was perfectly planned and well deserved for every one of them, including him!

OP responded:

He only worked 12 hours a week at Walmart to he could do non-existent work restarting his business. I make just over 6 figures and I can't believe I didn't realize years ago I was the family ATM.

Liu1845 wrote:

NTA.

So thoughtful of them to insist on a pre-nup! I hope you send them a sincere thank you note after the divorce is finalized, lol.

OP responded:

My lawyer even laughed that the pre-nup that was set up for him is going to be what we use for me.

It required both spouses to maintain separate bank accounts and each spouse could keep 100% of their savings. No spouse eligible for alimony.

Hindukuxkhh wrote:

I would say be glad you did not have children with him. Be glad you can escape and be free with no strings.

PS, this relationship should be a learning lesson on the love that you want for yourself and the life you want. Not as a "loss."

jennifer79t wrote:

Your marriage was ruined long before the sh-tty gifts....the sh-tty gifts were a result of him prioritizing his sh-tty family over his wife.

Zestyclose-Sky-1921 wrote:

NTA. I didn't learn how to fight or scream until my ex and his family offered me in-person workshops lol. Petty? If your friends don't find what you did justified and glorious, their kind of hand-wringing self-righteousness would be better served somewhere else with somebody else.

Obsidianconspiracyxx wrote:

When treating others how you would like to be treated doesn't work, treat them exactly how they treat you. Good riddance to your s--tty stbx and equally sh--ty former in-laws. Pettiness is good for the soul. NTA. They earned and deserved everything they got.

A few weeks later, OP shared an update.

Many thanks to everyone for their support in my last post. I thought I'd send a small update. First, for those who asked how the deposit on my new apartment was only the $600 I saved on the gifts, it certainly wasn't.

I had to dip into savings, but that $600 helped. My STBX didn't bother reaching out to me after I left until he was served the divorce papers and my lawyer made it clear we're exercising the pre-nup.

Then it was loving voicemails and texts (I never picked up) from him and his family for a few days trying to convince me to come back, which eventually turned to threatening and cruel voicemails and texts when it was clear I wasn't budging.

My lawyer suggested I don't block them so we have evidence of harassment, if needed. Basically, give them the rope to hang themselves with. But then last night I got call after call from my STBX. Stupidly, I picked it up thinking there was some kind of emergency or something. I barely got "Hello" out when he said, "The rent is a week late." I told him that's strange because I paid my landlord 6 days ago.

He paused and sighed dramatically and replied, "No, the rent for here." I reminded him I don't live there and he shouldn't expect rent. Cue his parents both texting me that they're going to sue me to pay the remainder of the lease entirely. I'm not worried about having an eviction on my record, since the apartment is in his parents' names.

When we first announced we were moving to his hometown, they rented an apartment for us right away so we could move right in. They've been renewing the lease each year. We had to pay his parents and then they write a check to the landlord, who has no idea who STBX and I are, let alone that we lived there.

Red flag, I know. I'm glad I had a few weeks to prep my leaving since they'd probably use the fact that it's their apartment to kick me out immediately. Divorce is probably going to be a bumpy ride with this manchild and his psycho parents. Any advice from anyone who's been through it is welcome.

Commenters had lots to say in response.

izzgo wrote:

Do you even have a contract at the place your stbx is living? I don't think they have a basis for suing you, lol. What does your lawyer say?

OP responded:

Lawyer is confident they have no leg to stand on. I haven't signed any type of lease and utilities are in their name, too, because they were afraid of having too many names connected to the apartment and the landlord finding out. So they are on the hook for everything that doesn't get paid. But, hey, that was their choice and their scheming. FAFO.

jrm1102 wrote:

Seems like you have everything under control - best of luck, you’ll need it with them!

OP responded:

Thank you!

MommaKim661 wrote:

Omg this is priceless. They deserve everything they're gonna get with everything in their name. We're gonna need an update as things go. Don't block, just mute them. Lawyer is right. Use the prenup. Don't back down. You got this.

Ok-Addendum-9420 wrote:

I’m curious about the sublet situation. Are you sure your STBX in-laws were charging you exactly what they were paying in rent for your apartment? Judging by their greediness—-especially regarding you—-AND the fact that you were the breadwinner at that point, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were making a profit off you. It’s fine as long as their “darling” boy wouldn’t be out any money, right?

RJack151 wrote:

NTA, still. Tell his parents to pull out the rental agreement between you and them and show you where is says anything about you having to give notice. Then tell them to go ahead and sue, you lawyers says he will be sure to charge them his full rate for their ignorance.

Two weeks later, OP shared an update.

Hi, super sorry if I'm annoying members who aren't interested, but a few requested an update.

1st post: My husband's family uninvited me from Christmas. Husband still left and made me celebrate Christmas alone. I organized sh--ty gifts as a final bird flip.

1st update: I moved out and my underemployed STBX and his family still expected me to pay rent on the apartment in my in-laws' names.

So the people who commented that my soon to be former in-laws were probably charging my STBX and me more than the amount on the lease, you called it.

And we wouldn't have found out if they weren't so entitled and determined to hurt me. They got a cousin who happens to be a lawyer to send me a letter demanding I pay the entirety of the remainder of the lease or they will file suit and force me to pay it. Clearly a scare tactic.

So my lawyer sent a formal request to their lawyer for a copy of the lease (which I've never seen) and a copy of their written agreement with us as sublesees (which doesn't exist). They sent the lease and insisted the sublease agreement was a verbal contract. Not only is subleasing explicitly prohibited, but my mother-in-law and father-in-law had been charging us an extra $200 each month.

So we've notified the landlord that I've been living there with my STBX and the leasees were living in their own house throughout the duration of the lease, and sent copies of my driver's license (with the address) and over two years of bank and credit card statements with the address listed.

They were served with a 30-day eviction yesterday, which I know about because MIL left a voicemail about me kicking my STBX out of his home and that she now drives with a baseball bat in her car and she'll be keeping an eye out for me, lol. Obviously, my lawyer's expertise is family law and this was out of her purview, so she referred me to a colleague who focuses on real estate law.

We met today to devise a battle plan and I am now suing my MIL and FIL for all the money I can prove I transferred for rent for the entirety of the residency there, since the apartment was technically not a legal apartment to rent since they couldn't sublease (no clean hands to rent to us and then sue me).

He's not sure how a judge will buy it and it's way beyond my state's civil compensation limit, but he's confident that it will scare them and leave them open to settling for just returning the additional $200 from each payment.

Which I think is fair, because I did live there with my STBX so I don't think it's right to get all the rent money back. I'm an adult and adults pay rent. And I don't want them to have the satisfaction of saying I'm using the divorce as a windfall.

On the STBX front, there's no news there. We will likely need to go to Family Court for a separation order since he won't agree to the financial details of the separation agreement my lawyer has drafted. My state requires a 1-year separation period before a divorce can be finalized, so this is going to be a long process.

A few people asked why he did what he did and if he's offered any kind of explanation or justification. We haven't really talked since he was served. I don't know if he just fell out of love but I was still financially convenient, or if the mask finally lifted, or if it was being so close to his family and them having opportunities to manipulate him.

I don't know and I don't care. I don't need closure, I need them all gone. Looking back, making promises during couples counseling and slowly regressing back is enough closure. Knowing he allowed his family to treat me like crap for so long is closure. That final betrayal at Christmas is closure. My focus isn't on figuring it out, it's making sure I'm happy.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

FartMasterChamp wrote:

"I don't know and I don't care. I don't need closure, I need them all gone."

And that's how you know you're starting to heal. Too many people let toxic exes back in to their lives in the name of closure.

The truth is that when someone hurts you like that, it's not your job to figure out the why. What matters is they did and you need to leave to protect yourself. You're absolutely amazing.

OP responded:

Thank you. Honestly, I feel like a new person. I feel like someone who's been ill and finally able to go outside and breathe fresh air.

Historical-Hall-2246 wrote:

Keep their calls and texts messages as evidence for a protective order.

OP responded:

Absolutely. She's going to regret it because she works for the school district and a restraining order won't let her teach.

DarthKiwiChris wrote:

Don't forget to investigate suing for return of money invested in his business.

It was premarital asset, and exempt from prenup. Worth a shot to see if you can recover some/all of that wasted savings.

OP responded:

I had never thought of this! I'll bring it up when I meet with my lawyer next.

Dachshundmom5 wrote:

Isn't there a prenup? So, he can spend money on a lawyer arguing, but there's already an agreement isn't there?

OP responded:

Yes. It was set up in his favor because he owned a business that was supposed to be a huge success. C-vid hit and it went poof. Now I'm the one with the money and the pre-nup is actually protecting me.