'AITA for 'critiquing' my partner's post about me when discussing the responses?'

"AITA for 'critiquing' my partner's post about me when discussing the responses?"

When I first met my partner "P" I was open about my friend "F" being someone that I had once had a casual relationship with. F and I were just friends before and after anything s-xual occurred, and it stopped happening on its own (we didn't continue until meeting other people or anything like that, we stopped and went back to just being friends).

I could tell that P wasn't super comfortable with this, but I knew they had bad previous experiences with being cheated on and also that trust is earned, so I hoped that in time (and with demonstrated faithfulness) this wouldn't be an issue. I didn't push to maintain a friendship without P's involvement.

One day a group of us went out for a drink, with P coming along and meeting these friends for the first time. P got along with some, but things with F were awkward. At one point, F was making some bawdy jokes. Not to me, just talking s--t with the group at the other end of the table. P became very uncomfortable and spent the rest of the evening withdrawn and staring at the pub TV.

I didn't speak up at the time because there were multiple convos happening and the jokes weren't directed at us at all so I didn't think much of it until later realising how withdrawn P had become. After this point my friendship with F faded.

We caught up one time when I returned an item that I had borrowed previously, which I discussed with P and they said it was OK, they didn't expect me to just drop it on Fs doorstep and bail without catching up for a bit. I felt that this was positive and showed trust, however any active friendship with F was pretty much in the past at this point.

Now, years later, F reaches out asking how I'm doing, hoping I'm well. I respond in kind, and F asks if I'd like to catch up. I bring it up with P before responding, letting them know that I'd like to. Thought it would be OK as we've had no issues with infidelity, and I'm sure that I've never given any signs that I would be unfaithful or anything like that.

Now TA moment. P posted about it on a support forum specifically for people with sh--ty partners. Words it as "my partner suddenly wants to start hanging out with someone they used to sleep with, who has only ever been incredibly rude to me". Then shows me the responses, which almost all say that I am clearly cheating, I am trash, throw me out.

And now P is upset that I am "critiquing their post" when I point out that the wording would make me think that someone is cheating too, and the replies might be biased. I'm open to discussing the replies but I think it's a valid observation that affects the discussion.

P asked me how I would feel if it were reversed, and I told them that I would be absolutely fine with it because I trust them. P doesn't seem to believe me. AITA for bringing this up and then "critiquing" the post that P made to ask for advice? I might be invalidating their feelings by doing so, but I don't know how to discuss the responses without discussing that part.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

cutiestkrysta wrote:

NTA for pointing out the wording, it did make you look bad. but P’s feelings are valid too, especially with trust being a touchy subject, maybe have a calm talk with P and discuss this and about F.

Mushroomradiant4647 wrote:

NTA. I think you’re not doing anything wrong. But it seems like you and P have bigger issues to discuss around trust. P obviously feels like you still have feelings for F and would cheat on them. It’s a clear situation for you. The post P made their feelings very clear - and obviously the post was worded to get the types of responses they wanted.

That's not the problem. It’s how P worded the post. It’s a clear window into how P is feeling about this situation. You guys have some serious talking to do about this. And some work to put into your relationship if P isn’t feeling the trust and respect you feel.

Teleporting-Cat wrote:

NTA- and imma say it loud for the folx in the back: CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER'S SOCIAL CIRCLE IS A DEFINING ELEMENT OF AB-SE. I'm not saying that your partner is ab-sive. But what they're doing here, is something that abusers do. They're making you responsible for their own insecurity and lack of trust.

That's an impossible standard for you to meet, because its not really about you- it's them saying "I'm feeling bad, so you must be doing something wrong," instead of taking responsibility for their own emotions. It's okay to have friends. It's okay to have a sexual history. It's okay to have friends of the gender you're attracted to. It's okay to have friends that you have an intimatehistory with.

Everything you've ever seen, done, experienced and been through, everyone you've ever known, loved, hated, laughed and cried with, has shaped the person you are now- the person your partner supposedly loves and cares about. You cannot accept this attempt to isolate you from your friends and your support system.

Your partner should love and trust you for who you are. If they can't trust you, why are they with you? Oh, and the way they posted their side of the story, and tried to use the responses as ammo to influence your decisions? Super disingenuous. You're not an AH. You're a human being, who's had a life full of human connections. That's okay. Your partner is way out of line.

nycgarbagewhore wrote:

INFO: was F rude to P? What were the jokes? You did say there were multiple conversations you weren't paying attention to and it seemingly took you a long time to notice that P was uncomfortable and withdrawn. Did you ever talk about why? Or did you just assume it was the "bawdy" jokes?

OP responded:

It's been a long time. I don't remember the jokes exactly, I just know they were crude and a bit dirty. Nothing flirty to anyone in the group, more like over the top and crass. I might not remember the words but I feel like I do remember the shape of the situation, ie that F wasn't talking to or about me or P at all, it was just some silly sketch type bit about something random.

But P remembers it as being rude to them directly, which doesn't add up with my memory of it. Unfortunately because it was so long ago the exact details are a bit vague, which doesn't help the situation (or clarify much for you).