'AITA for cutting my MIL off because she told my daughter she hoped I died?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for cutting my MIL off because she told my daughter she hoped I had died when I was taken to hospital?"
I 30 f was in a car crash. I had to be cut out of the car. I wasn't seriously injured though thankfully, but the other person unfortunately wasn't doing to well, from what I saw before I was taken away to the hospital.
I was told to stay in hospital over night to see if I suffered from a concussion. I rang my husband and told him what happened. My mil got the incidents mixed up when he dropped off our daughters 6,11 to my mil while he rushed to see me.
Next morning my husband brought our daughters to come get while I was waiting to be discharged. Upon seeing me my 6 year old busted into tears and said I don't want you to die. I comforted her and said I'm not dying and I was very lucky.
She then said Granny said she hoped I die so that them and my husband can come live with her. Me and my husband were shocked and my 12 year old confirmed she heard her say that. My husband said he was going to ring mil.
When he came back in the room he looked furious. But didn't say anything until after we got home and he said mil denied it but after he kept pushing she ended up admitting it, but she said she didn't mean it. I thought me and her were close. But I guess not.
I am incredibly hurt she would want that and said I wanted me and the girl's go no contact with mil. I told him he can have a relationship with her but I don't want me and the girl's to have one with her. My husband said he supports me. He then rang mil and told her what I said.
She didn't take it to well. She came to our house crying and saying it was a misunderstanding and she didn't mean it and that we were taking it the wrong way. My husband ask what did you mean then?
She just got hysterical and started crying and saying she always wanted daughters but my husband was the only child due to her not being able to have anymore after him and that the girls are more like her daughters than granddaughters and she wasn't think properly when she said that to our 6 year old. She got so worked up that my husband had to take her home.
When he got back he said he didn't know she felt like that and asked did I still want to cut her off? I said yes! He said okay and didn't argue. But it's been a week now and he is still very quite and hasn't said much about what happened and now I'm starting to feel guilty and wondering if I did take it the wrong way and being AITAH?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Laquila said:
She traumatized your child. It was horrifying for your daughter to hear that. Bad enough her mom was in the hospital after a car accident.
Stand your ground. She needs at the very least a good LONG time-out. Do not let your husband or anyone sweep this under the rug because doing that would make everyone think it's perfectly okay for MIL to hope you died, for your daughters to lose their mom
RecordingKindly3074 said:
I’m baffled she sees her grandkids more like her own children.
crookedframe13 said:
Also she basically told her own son what a disappointment it was that her only child is him and couldn't be a girl. That could be part of the reason he's quiet, not necessarily going NC. He might be wondering if she would even really care to have a relationship with just him if he doesn't bring his daughters around.
Any-Blueberry3646 said:
Your feelings are valid, and prioritizing your family's well-being is essential. Trust your instincts and maintain distance from your mother-in-law for now, especially given the circumstances. Your husband's support is crucial, and it's okay to prioritize your emotional health in this situation.
SirEDCaLot said:
NTA on many levels. First- the instant someone puts their desires ahead of your survival, that's reason enough to cut them out of your life like a cancer.
Second- she traumatized your daughter by saying that to her. No matter what you feel, you DO NOT SAY S$#T LIKE THAT TO A CHILD, especially one who's worried about her mommy.
Third- "girls are more like her daughters than granddaughters" Sorry but no.
That's overstepping a boundary. If she mentally frames the girls as her daughters that is a sign of boundary disrespect if not mental illness. "It was a misunderstanding and she didn't mean it and that we were taking it the wrong way"
What other way is there to take it? 'Little girl, I hope your mom dies so you and your dad have no choice but to come live with me'? I'm sorry but there's no 'right' way to take that. Her life regrets are not your problem to solve, and CERTAINLY not your problem to tolerate at the expense of harming your own daughter's mental health.
Personally I think you handled that nicer than I would have. I'd probably have said something like 'parenting means putting the needs of your children ahead of your own desires.
The fact that you'd let your desires win and say something so horribly awful if not emotionally abusive to a little girl who's afraid for her mommy shows that you're unfit to have daughters (or probably any kid) right now, and you are probably mentally unwell.
So before you tell me I'm awful for keeping you away from my girls, look in a damn mirror and think about what kind of person you are and if being in a child's life actually helps that child or just helps you scratch an itch. Think I'm wrong? Find me one situation ever, in real life or movies, where the person who tells a kid 'I hope your mom dies' isn't the villain.'
FIRST UPDATE:
Well you guys were right. I decided to talk to my husband and asked if he's upset that I decided that me and the girls go no contact with mil. He said he wasn't. He said he always knew mil wanted a daughter instead off him and it brought back all the bad memories of rejection and hurt he felt growing up as a kid by her.
I suggested therapy and he's willing to go. We are also going to get therapy for our 6 year old as she now gets anxious if I'm not within her sight. My husband agreed that going nc with mil is the best thing for our family. Our daughter's birthday coming up and we have yet to tell mil she is no longer invited. Not looking forward to that. But that's the update. Thanks everyone for the lovely comments and support. I appreciate it.
Here's what top commenters had to say about the first update:
Danivelle said:
Suggestion? Maybe take your daughter out of town for her birthday to a nearby attraction, zoo, play, something on special on her birthday instead of a party or a party on a later date with her little friends instead of family.? If you're not there, MIL can throw all the witch fits she wants and nobody will be there to see her and there's no party for her to ruin.
Hopefully_Learning9 said:
She wanted you dead so treat her as if you are. NTA.
Trailsya said:
Oh good for you. Glad your husband is on the same page. Sorry your family had to go through all that, but good job for going NC with psycho MIL.
aquavenatus said:
NTA. Your MIL has no respect for you or your family. She disrespected you, traumatized her son all over again, and said harmful things in front of her granddaughters. There’s no coming back from this at all.
Please don’t be surprised to learn your MIL will fight for visitation. As you said in your previous post, she always wanted a daughter, and you have 2 who she’ll no longer get to see. Please be ready.
miyuki_m said:
Your MIL has caused so much hurt. I'm glad you and your husband are on the same page, and I hope you'll be able to come back with a positive update!
Debsha said:
I feel bad for you, your daughter and your husband. I am glad that you discussed this calmly with your husband and got to hear how he feels. He must be going through a lot since it’s not just how his mother made him feel but compounding the pain caused to his daughter.
SECOND UPDATE:
Here we are. Mil been arrested. My husband, cousin found my post and knew it was me and she reported it straight to mil. Yeah we know it was you who told her Christina.
Margaret told us all about it when she came over and screaming we cant keep her daughters from her. She didnt even hesitate to drop your name and throw you under the bus. So much for loyalty huh? You are not welcome in home anymore and you are officially removed from Sam birthday list and our lives! How about you show the whole family this post so they can see how 2 faced you are!
But mil has been arrested. She came to our house screaming we can't keep her daughters from her. Husband tried to calm her down and get her to leave. She wouldn't and attacked him. My husband had to restrain her and I called the police.
She fought them but it got her no where except the back of their car. The women is truly insane. My husband talk to the police because I had to calm down my daughters because they witnessed the whole thing. My 6 year old was hysterical about Granny being taken away. This is all just a big mess.
Here's what top commenters had to say after the second update:
Dachshundmom5 said:
Make sure you press charges and file a restraining order. If she is actually mentally ill, that's for her lawyer to handle to plea her into help. The restraining order is needed.
Puzzleheaded_Eye7311 said:
"My daughters." And there’s the real truth, she already deluded herself into thinking her granddaughters are the subtitues for the daughters she never had. Get a restraining order for them yesterday.
TealBlueLava said:
Get a Restraining Order immediately! She called your girls her “daughters.” She is mentally ill and dangerous. Protect your family.
Why_Teach said:
This is very sad. I feel for your daughters. Definitely get them some therapy, and get guidance on how to help the younger one understand the situation. The younger one may also need help overcoming any guilt for having been the one who reported that grandmother said she wanted the mother to die.
Back to the MiL, the woman is unhinged, and she needs psychiatric intervention. Her son (OP’s husband) should probably push for mental-health treatment as part of her sentencing, if she goes before the court. OP and her husband need to take all possible precautions to protect their daughters.
okileggs1992 said:
Wow NTA, but your MIL calling your daughter's her children was so wrong on so many levels. As for who the true AH's to this are your MIL and the snitch in the family. Her unhinged behavior got her arrested and into a long term timeout. DH needs to press charges, and you need a restraining order against his mom.