My wife and I have two children (8M and 5F) and we’re expecting a third. Since our eldest was born, we have been clear and consistent about not wanting pictures of them posted online. It was my wife’s idea, but still a mutual decision. Most of our friends and family have no problem with that, but we’ve had problems with my wife’s stepmother.
She has, on several occasions, posted photos of our children on her Instagram account without our consent. Most are harmless (pictures of her with them or family photos with more people in them), but there have been a few times she took pictures of the kids behind their backs and posted them.
Every time we see a photo of our children on her Instagram page, we tell her to delete it. She always does, but the next time she sees them, it happens again. We have been having this discussion with her since our daughter was born. She never listens. Anyway, my family spent New Year’s Eve at a rented beach house with some of my wife’s paternal family. We returned home on Jan. 1st.
That same day, my wife’s stepmother posted several pictures from the trip. Buried between them were three photos of our kids on the beach. They’re both wearing swimsuits and (except for one of the pictures) don’t seem aware they’re being photographed. My wife and I talked, and we both agreed we’ve given her stepmother enough chances.
As long as she’s active on social media, she will continue posting pictures of our children without our consent. We called her yesterday and said that she won’t be allowed to see our kids unless she deletes her Instagram account. That means she won't have any kind of contact with them, receive pictures or be invited to their events.
She cried during the call, and tried to promise us she would delete the New Year’s Eve post and never do anything like this again, but we told her we can’t trust her. She can keep her account if she wants to, but she won’t be allowed near our kids if she does. My father-in-law (who is also against posting pictures of children on social media) called my wife last night.
He agreed that her stepmother crossed a line, but said cutting her off from our children was an exaggeration. He said she has just started to make money with social media, but she also loves our kids very much, and it's cruel to force her to choose. I don’t think we’re in the wrong here, but I’m still worried we’re taking this too far. AITA?
Okstrength5245 wrote:
Well. Either she makes the choice, or you do.
Your offer expires in a week. After that, she definitively excluded.
OP responded:
I like this approach.
BlueGreen_1956 wrote:
NTA. She kept doing it because she never suffered any actual consequences for doing it. You should have given her ONE chance. Sort of off topic story: I worked for a year as a teacher in the YDC (Youth Development Center) in my city. It's a place where juveniles are housed until they go to court or are sentenced for whatever they have done.
We were always aware of what each of the teens had done to be there but sometimes they would talk about it to me.
Nearly every one of them had the same story.
"I did this and got a slap on the hand. I did it again and got a slap on the hand. I did it again and this time they put me in here."
If they had received consequences the first time, there may not have been a second and third time.
canyonemoon wrote:
NTA "she's just started making money off of social media" translates in my mind to "she knows that posting kids will help with engagement and pay more", and I would never allow that. Stand your ground. You've given her a choice, since she won't accept it you can now give her a deadline or you'll make the choice for her. Permanently.
Turmeric_Ping wrote:
NTA. She doesn't get to make money off of violating your kid's privacy. Doubtless pictures of the kids get her good 'engagement', and the rush this gives her makes it impossible to resist.
It may be cruel to force her to choose, but you have no reasonable recourse other than to do so. Even if she does delete her account, she may make another and start again, so you'll need to watch her like a hawk when she's around them.
Hey folks. I thought I’d give you an update.
I think I got into a lot of detail in the comments, but I feel like I should mention the following: My wife’s stepmother is 45. I’m not “b-llying the elderly” here.
She has 60k followers on Instagram.
Her Instagram account is not focused solely on my children. She started out as a “lifestyle” blogger. A few years ago, she started posting “family stuff” as well, and now at least half of her content revolves around that.
She tries to post pictures of my kids every time she takes them. Almost every time we see her, she posts a new picture. She has also posted more photos of my daughter than of my son.
Both me and my wife are on Instagram, but not very actively. She has a private account and another one for her job. I only have my personal account, in which I rarely post anything. Neither of us have ever posted our children’s faces in any of these accounts.
My wife doesn’t see her stepmother as a parent (she started dating my father-in-law when my wife was 20), and they’re not very close. My children don’t see her as a grandmother, either.
This isn’t about me looking for a reason to cut ties with my in-laws. I get along very well with my wife’s father, and besides her behavior concerning social media, I have no problem with her stepmother. I really shouldn’t have to explain why me and my wife don’t want pictures of our children online.
If you are a parent who has no problem with others posting photos of your kids, that’s fine. I’m not here to change your mind, nor would I attempt to if I were. Your decisions regarding your children are your own, as are mine.
None of us live in the United States.
I read your comments and talked things through with my wife. As upset as we are about this, we feel the need to deal with it fairly.
So we have to take into consideration that: 1) Her stepmother’s account is not focused solely on our children; and 2) We had never threatened her with loss of contact before, so our ultimatum might have been too sudden. That said, we are still not comfortable with our children being posted on social media, and we regret not effectively stopping this sooner.
So however we move forward, we need to make it clear that we are serious about this boundary. A few days ago, my wife and I met her father and stepmother at their place. We left the kids with my wife’s mother. We sat them down and told them we’d retract the ultimatum, but we don’t trust her stepmother not to sneak pictures of our children again.
We decided to propose something many of you suggested: a no-phone policy (which we would ALL abide by) whenever my wife’s stepmother saw our kids.
She also would no longer receive any pictures of them from anyone.
And if she ever posted a photo of our children anywhere again, then we would cut her off from them. My father-in-law agreed right away, but his wife got offended. She said we couldn’t control how she used her phone. She tried to promise us she’d stop posting the kids again, but we said no. We can’t trust her anymore, and we have no intention of giving her more chances.
The four of us had an argument about this. My father-in-law mostly took our side. It lasted a while. My wife’s stepmother started by apologizing, but eventually started trying to defend herself. She told us she always thought we were overreacting, and that lots of people post pictures of their children online everyday without any problems. We asked her why she was so insistent on posting pictures of our kids.
She tried to dodge the question at first, but she admitted that posts with the kids got more engagement. She used the New Year’s post as an example. It was only up for a little over 24 hours before she took it down, but she claimed it was one of her most successful posts ever. When I asked her why she thought that had happened, she said it was because the kids “looked so cute in them.”
My wife looked at her stepmother and said “No, it’s because they’re barely dressed in them. You cannot convince us that a photo of our five-year-old daughter in a swimsuit is getting attention from thousands of strangers because she’s cute. Either you’re an idiot, or you know what you’re doing by posting these pictures.” She started crying.
She said her content was wholesome, her followers were good people, and we had no right to control her like that. My father-in-law was silent. That’s when we gave up. We told her to keep her Instagram, but accept she is losing access to our kids. She tried more excuses (including “some of my followers think they’re my kids,” which my wife is especially furious about), but we stood our ground and went home.
My father-in-law called me and my wife later that night. He told us he was disappointed in his wife and was taking our side. We’re not sure how to deal with him. Neither of us want to cut him off, but we’re not certain we can trust him. My wife just told him we needed some space, and he said that was fine.
I’m exhausted, and my wife is doing even worse. But we've spoken about this, and we’re both also relieved. We’ve still got work to do, but nothing we can’t handle. For now, we have two amazing children and a baby on the way, and they will always be our #1 priority. Thank you for all your support. I’m busy with the kids, so I can’t promise I’ll reply to as many comments this time, but I’ll do my best.
mrsgip wrote:
Bruh, her account is public?? She’s pretending to be their mom?! Yeah step MIL is cut off. I’m deciding for you. I’m not even as restrictive with my kids pics, as long as my family has private accounts, I don’t mind. (No one has all that many followers and the ones they do are all people I know personally. We aren’t big on social media really).
But damn, even with private accounts, I would still be uncomfortable with my 4 yr in a swimsuit on someone’s page. And then if anyone tried to claim fame by being my kids mom, I would just believe they’ve truly lost it. Unstable people have no room to be around my kids. NTA!!!
OP responded:
She didn't really get into the "some of my followers think they're my kids" thing (that was literally all she said), but I'm inclined to believe it was more of a mistake she didn't correct than an actual lie she told them. My wife and I saw every post she made of our children, and she never claimed they were hers in the description.
Captainbeefy79 wrote:
Still NTA. You’re not wrong to want to keep your kids images/info off the internet, my wife and I feel the same way about our kids. There are too many creeps/pred-tors out there to take chances.
OP responded:
We made that decision when our son was a toddler. The more stories we hear about what can happen to these pictures, the more we're convinced it was the right decision.
davekayaus wrote:
She doesn't want your kids other than as engagement for her Instagram account. That has come through loud and clear. You did the right thing in cutting her off and frankly showed more patience than I would have. She knows exactly what she's doing with the photos she's choosing to post.
corgihuntress wrote:
You tried and she is clearly all about the social media "fame." I would consider, when you are comfortable enough with him, maintaining the no phone rule for him but allow your fil to come over and visit. Don't go out into public where she is likely to drop-in because she knows where you'll be to meet him.
Do it all behind closed doors. Then you can take pictures and have the memories for later, but don't need to share those photos with either of them. I hope she doesn't get stalkery and try to sneak pictures and "coincidental" encounters.
chez2202 wrote:
NTA.
She is completely delusional. She thinks her 60k followers are ALL good people? How the hell can she possibly know that unless she has checked out each and everyone one of their profiles and content?
The fact that she said that her followers think that your children are actually her children means that she hasn’t actually said that they are NOT hers. She doesn’t want to stop posting them because she is getting attention because of them. She won’t stop so you are right to cut her off.