'AITA for cutting off my daughter’s college fund after she chose her deadbeat bio mom?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for cutting off my daughter’s college fund after she chose her deadbeat bio mom?"

I’m a single dad to my 18-year-old daughter, Emma. Her bio mom left us when she was young, and I’ve raised her with the help of my wife, who has been a wonderful mother figure. Recently, Emma started reconnecting with her bio mom, and I initially supported this, hoping it would be a positive experience.

However, it quickly became apparent that her bio mom hadn’t changed. Emma began making excuses for her and started exhibiting increasingly hostile behavior toward my wife.

She would say things like, “Maybe I’ll just move in with my mom and leave you both behind,” and “You’re not my real mom anyway, so what do you care?” It escalated to threats where she implied she would ruin our lives if we tried to stop her from pursuing this relationship. During a heated argument, Emma expressed her desire to move in with her bio mom.

This was the breaking point for me. Feeling that I needed to set boundaries, I decided to cut off her college fund and told her she had to leave our home. Since then, my family has been vocal about their disapproval. They believe I should have been more understanding and that I overreacted. Some even argue that I’m pushing her further away and harming our relationship permanently.

They think I should have tried harder to support her rather than resorting to such drastic measures.

AITA for taking this step, or was I justified in cutting her off?

A few hours later, OP shared an update.

Update 1:

Thanks to everyone who commented on my original post. I didn’t expect to have an update so quickly, but a lot has happened in just the past few hours.

About five hours after I posted, I got a message from Emma asking if we could meet up. She suggested a nearby coffee shop, and although I was unsure of what to expect, I agreed to meet her. When I arrived, I could tell right away that something was different. Emma looked exhausted and stressed, not at all like the confident person who left our home.

She told me that her time with her bio mom had been a disaster. Not only had her mom treated her coldly, but she also demanded an exorbitant amount of money for rent—far more than Emma could afford. It became clear to Emma that her mom wasn’t interested in having a real relationship with her, just in using her for financial gain.

Emma was visibly upset as she apologized for the way she had treated me and my wife. She admitted that she’d made a huge mistake and asked if she could come back home. It was obvious she was genuinely remorseful, and she said she realized now how much we had done for her. I told her that I’m willing to work on rebuilding our relationship, but it’s going to take time and effort on both sides.

We discussed setting some boundaries and working through the issues that led to all of this in the first place. She agreed, and we left the coffee shop with a plan to move forward, one step at a time.

It’s not going to be an easy road, but I’m hopeful that we can heal from this and come out stronger on the other side. I’m still processing everything, but I’m relieved that Emma wants to make things right.

Not much later, OP shared yet another update.

Update 2:

Hey everyone, I’ve got another update, and things have gotten even more intense since my last post.

A day after Emma and I reconciled, her bio mom showed up at our house. I didn’t expect her to come here, but she was furious, screaming about how I had “taken her daughter away” and how I was trying to turn Emma against her.

She was completely out of control, and it quickly became clear that she wasn’t going to leave peacefully. I tried to calm her down, but nothing worked, so I had no choice but to call the cops. When the police arrived, Emma was visibly shaken. As they escorted her mom away, Emma asked me to press charges. She was done with her mom’s manipulations and wanted to protect herself from any further harm.

While we were dealing with the fallout, Emma mentioned that her bio mom had access to her credit card. We decided to check her account, and that’s when we discovered something shocking—her mom had taken out $10,000 without Emma’s knowledge. We were both stunned and heartbroken. After reporting the theft to the authorities, we started doing some digging of our own.

We found out that Emma’s bio mom was drowning in debt. She’d been using Emma as a financial lifeline, which explained the outrageous demands for rent and the recent theft. She was desperate and willing to do anything to get her hands on more money. We provided all the evidence to the authorities, and they’re now investigating her for fraud.

Emma is devastated but also relieved that the truth is coming to light. We’re working with the bank to try to recover the stolen money, and I’ve hired a lawyer to help us navigate the legal process. This whole situation has been incredibly tough on Emma, but she’s been strong through it all. We’re focusing on moving forward and rebuilding trust.

I’m grateful that she came back home when she did because who knows how much worse things could have gotten if she’d stayed with her mom any longer. It’s going to take time to heal from all of this, but we’re on the right path now. Emma knows she has our full support, and we’re committed to helping her get through this. I’m just glad we caught on to what was happening before it was too late.

People jumped on with some thoughts.

123456 wrote:

YTA you are in your feelings and not being understanding and a parent, you are upset because she’s rejecting your wife.

You are disregarding her feelings when she says you loved your wife more instead of asking why does she feel like that. You may think your wife is this great person but she may not be to your daughter, you’re protecting your wife because your daughter is rejecting her. Allow her space to navigate that relationship with her mom w/o u punishing her.

OP responded:

I have seen firsthand how my wife treats my daughter...to be exact she did all the work for my daughter as my wife is sterile. She'd help iwith maths and hug her. And my daughter would always praise her when I asked her if she had any problems with her.

[deleted] wrote:

Yes. You are being petty. She's an adult now and she wants to establish a relationship with her mom. For you to punish her for choices that have nothing to do with her college education is incredibly irresponsible and makes you just as bad as her mom.

OP responded:

Her mom abandoned her and never looked back until she was 18 obviously am compelled.

Anoncommenter wrote:

Just let her figure out that her bio mom is a piece of s--t that's the best way to go about it.

A day later, OP shared another update.

Hey everyone, I’ve got another update, and this one has been extremely difficult for our family. After we pressed charges and discovered the theft of $10,000 from Emma’s credit card, her bio mom started har-ssing us nonstop. It started with constant phone calls and text messages—both to me and Emma—begging, demanding, and threatening us to drop the lawsuit.

She even began showing up at our workplaces. At my office, she caused a scene, screaming at the receptionist to let her in, calling me a “thief” and claiming I was “ruining her life.” Emma’s job wasn’t spared either. Her bio mom went there too, embarrassing her in front of her coworkers and even threatening to expose personal details about our family if we didn’t drop the charges.

We tried to block her out, but things came to a head when she showed up at our house again. This time, she was even more out of control. She started screaming and calling my wife all kinds of vile names, including a “nasty wh-re,” claiming she had “stolen” Emma from her. We tried to get her to leave, but she refused.

And then it happened—she physically attacked my wife. She shoved her into a wall and started hitting and scratching her. Emma and I were in complete shock. My wife was just trying to defend herself, but her bio mom kept coming at her. Seeing my wife terrified and hurt was my breaking point. I immediately called the authorities.

When the authorities arrived, they arrested her for ass--lt. My wife is now traumatized from the incident—she’s been struggling with anxiety and can’t sleep well, knowing that she was physically attacked in her own home. She’s seeing a therapist to try to deal with the emotional scars left from this nightmare.

Emma is devastated too. She never imagined her bio mom would go this far, and seeing her attack my wife has left her shaken. We’re doing everything we can to support each other, but the impact has been immense. Now, with her bio mom in custody and facing multiple charges, including ass-ult and harassment, we’re hoping we can finally find some peace.

It’s hard to believe how far this situation has escalated, but I’m glad that, at least for now, we’re safe from further harassment. We’ll be taking legal steps to ensure a restraining order is in place moving forward. This has been a painful chapter for my family, but we’re determined to get through it together. Thank you again for all your support during this time—it’s been a lifeline for us.

The internet was very critical of the update.

GemGlamournGlitter wrote:

All of this has happened in a course of a day? I don't believe your story at all. I think you're making it up and I think you need to get a life.

OP responded:

I had posted this b4 but had deleted....then posted again because I wanted to give yall an update.

mustang19671967 wrote:

When the nut attacked your wife why did you not p-nch her in the face and knock her out? You wouldn’t have been charged. My guess is your wife is saying the right things but is disappointed you didn’t save her, now if something was left out it may change my response.

MorgueanaVonPayne wrote:

YTA FOR NOT DEFENDING YOUR WIFE. YOU ARE A FAILURE OF A HUSBAND.