'AITA for getting my daughter a designer bag not everyone in the group could afford?' UPDATED
"AITA for getting my daughter a designer bag not everyone in the group could afford?"
So, I'm part of a playdate group that my sister invited me to. We're all in the 30s-40s range and our daughters are in the 6-8 age range, but we're all at different life stages. Out of the group, my husband works a lot and makes the most money. While none of them are struggling (at least no one has outright said), we do have different budgets.
There hasn't been any drama in the past two years until recently when one of the girls, Autumn (not her real name), got a purse and then everyone got a purse except for my daughter. She's two years younger than the other girls, so I didn't know how to feel about getting her a brand-new purse, but I also didn't want her to be left out.
Now, I only carry designer bags because I like the way they look, and because my daughter wants to be my mini-me, I bought us matching crossbody bags. It was adorable! I didn’t see a problem with it since kids can’t tell the difference, and when we were at our weekly playdate, no one said anything, so I figured no one cared.
Well, I was more than wrong when I checked the group chat. All the other moms, including my sister, were texting me saying they felt like we were trying to show off that we had money, which felt unfair because they were the ones who always brought up bills and shopping for clothes, while I usually stayed out of the conversation.
Then Autumn's mom texted that she was crying because she wanted the same bag for her approaching birthday now and they couldn’t afford it. And while I feel bad, I also think this is just a part of life. Even my daughter doesn't get everything she asks for because she sees it. So AITA in this situation?
The internet shared all of their opinions in the comment section.
McflyThrowaway01 wrote:
NTA. The fact that grown women who are mothers are literally texting you about having a new purse and how it's unfair when they talk about their bills and think you showed off. When all you did was walk in with the purse and didn't say anything about it. Then that extra jealous one sends the most guilt trippy text about her bday, trying to guilt you into giving her yours or your kids bag?
Who does this? It's unfair I can't have it so I'm gonna make you feel bad for having it. Your sister is a piece of work as well. How dare she not have your back, but she is probably jealous of you and perpetuated this BS.
I'd respond with "if by showing off, you mean that I walked in and sat down and didn't mention my purse, then yes I showed off. I did nothing wrong and I'm not responsible for any of your feelings. I thought we were adults, but I guess not. I won't be attending any more play groups as it's not fair to me and my kid to be subjected to the 2024 version of mean girls."
OP responded:
Yeah, I also didn’t expect my sister to join in even though she’s competitive she Its never gone as far as judging my parenting. Unfortunately I feel like if I respond like that I’ll get booted out and my daughter really loves all her friends so I haven’t responded.
siani_lane wrote:
You're NTA but a designer bag for a 6-8 year old is just throwing money away. I say this as a parent, but also as someone who taught A LOT of 6-8 year olds over the years- she is going to lose it, or spill juice on it, or leave it in the sun full of crayons, or paint it with fingernail polish, or just cut it up with scissors because something in her brain said "destroy" within a matter of months. It is what little kids do.
The other moms were wrong to hassle you, but I can't really blame them for being envious. They should have kept their feelings to themselves, it's their problem not yours, but man, I wish I could afford to toss wads of cash to the wind like that, too!
Have empathy, and let it drop if they do.
Fit-Ad-7276b wrote:
Soft YTA—not because you bought your daughter a designer bag per se, but because there’s hypocrisy in your self defense. Allow me to explain. When Autumn got a purse, it created social pressure for the other kids and their parents. While each family had freedom not to give into this pressure, you bore witness as one by one each girl ended up with a bag of their own.
When your daughter was the only one left out, you also caved and bought her a purse. By buying your daughter not just any purse but a designer purse, you’ve inadvertently set a new social pressure in motion—this time, about having a certain kind of purse. Now that fingers are pointed at you as the instigator, it suddenly shocks you that the other families are feeling pressure to measure up.
And, despite being unwilling to let your own daughter go without, you now think these other families should simply accept that it’s just part of life not to have what others have. I’m not in any way meaning to condone the ridiculous in all this. Rather, I’m merely trying to suggest that you approach all situations with an equal mindset—even when you’re the one in focus.
Typical2sday wrote:
YTA. She has a friend group. Things among peers occur at a certain price point; it makes things easier for all involved. Instead, you bought a 6 yo a designer bag for YOUR ego, not bc she asked for it. (With your husband’s money btw.)
This is not unlike a parent giving a kid a cell phone or social media access when everyone else in the peer group doesn’t have it and all parents agreed it was kind of nice not having the phone/SM access at that age.
You introduced status seeking to elementary school girls bc mini me is adorable. I don’t think you thought it through sufficiently. It is strange that everyone is calling you out rather than whispering behind your back, so I guess you’re not WASPs.
OP came back with this mini-update:
I didn’t expect this post to get as much attention as it did… So I figured I should update, my sister and I were able to hash things out over breakfast and were back to being bffs! The other moms haven’t said anything more but my sister says I’m still welcome since play dates are at her house but Idk if I’ll go yet.