Someecards Logo
ADVERTISING
'AITA for declining to celebrate Christmas with my BF’s family and not inviting him to mine?' UPDATED 3X

'AITA for declining to celebrate Christmas with my BF’s family and not inviting him to mine?' UPDATED 3X

ADVERTISING

"AITA for declining to celebrate Christmas with my boyfriend’s family and not inviting him to my family’s celebration?"

For context, I (19F) am from the United States and currently a second-year university student in the UK. My boyfriend (23M) is British, recently finished his master’s, and is now working.

We’ve been dating for 10 months, and he’s my first boyfriend. He’s been nothing but understanding, kind, and supportive throughout our relationship. I’ve met his parents and siblings twice, and both times were wonderful. His mom even told him she thinks I’m “the one.”

In late November, he asked if I’d like to spend Christmas with his family. He said everyone would love to have me there, and I thought it was sweet, but I declined. I’ve been feeling homesick and wanted to spend Christmas, a holiday that means a lot to me, with my family in South Dakota.

When I told him, he seemed aloof for a few days. I went to his flat later to reassure him that I’d love to visit his family another time, but for me, Christmas is a family holiday. I now realize how that could’ve sounded dismissive. He looked hurt and asked, “Do you still love me?” and “Aren’t I your family?” I reassured him that I do love him, and things seemed fine after that.

About a week later, he surprised me by showing me a flight he’d booked to South Dakota for Christmas. Flights to South Dakota are expensive, especially internationally, and while the gesture was touching, I thought it was impulsive and unwise. I told him it wasn’t a good idea.

For the first time, he got really upset, accusing me of not caring about him, not being serious about us, and thinking only of myself—all of which are untrue. I love him and value our relationship deeply. Knowing he was speaking out of hurt, I asked him to take a walk to cool off. When he returned, I explained that he means everything to me, but I wasn’t ready for him to meet my family.

To be honest, I’m nervous about how my family would react. I’m white, he’s Arab, and my family in rural South Dakota is not exposed to diversity. They’ve made ignorant, racist comments in the past. While they’d likely be polite to his face, I fear they might say something offensive or “jokingly” inappropriate. They also assume Arab = Muslim, even though he’s Christian.

This ignorance embarrasses me, and I don’t want to put him in a situation where he might be hurt. I didn’t tell him any of this, though. Instead, I said I felt it was too soon to “bring someone home,” as in my family, that’s often a precursor to engagement (which is true). He asked if he wasn’t “good enough,” and I reassured him that he’s perfect. He then mentioned that the tickets were non-refundable.

I started crying, apologizing for wasting his money and saying how much I wanted him there, just not right now. He asked me to leave and said he needed space. I flew back home nearly a week ago, and since then, we’ve only had brief phone conversations.

He still texts me “I love you” and “Good night,” but he’s clearly distant and hurt. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to fix this or reassure him. So, AITA?

The internet had a lot of comments and questions about the situation.

ptheresadactyl wrote:

Bold of him to book non-refundable plane tickets without talking to you. Pretty huge red flag, tbh. You've been together 10 months, he needs to chill the fuck out. This seems controlling and clingy.

When you get back you need to be honest with him that you weren't sure your family would behave, and ALSO that you felt him buying tickets was presumptive and moving too fast. You're 19. You don't need to rush things and he needs to respect your boundaries.

OP responded:

Thank you so much! This was really helpful 🙏

Sparkleselkie wrote:

NTA for what you did, but YTA for not explaining why.

Everyone is different in their timelines, but after dating for 10 months it’s pretty normal to want to meet the family of your partner. I totally get why you didn’t want him to come, but he doesn’t get it because you didn’t explain it.

He probably feels like it’s because of him (instead of it being because of your family), and I can see that being really hurtful. Especially if he’s the kind of guy who is close with his family It’s totally bonkers to just book an international flight without checking with you though. Like dude what are you doing.

Jyqm wrote:

NTA, but with a caveat. First, it's clear that you bother are very important to each other, and that Christmas is also important to each of you though perhaps in different ways. A big part of what's going on here is a communication problem of the sort that is common early in a relationship. (And -- and this is important here -- it is in fact still early in your relationship!)

Let's start with two ways in which you are very much not the AH, but he is: He invited you to spend Christmas with his family. You declined by saying that you wanted to spend Christmas with your own family this year, not least because you are living abroad and have been away from them for many months. This is totally fair!

Might be different if you were in a long-term relationship and making decisions about to build a life together and juggle obligations to two families living halfway across the globe from each other, but that's not the case here -- you've not even been dating a year!

His response, which was to try to make you feel guilty by passive-aggressively accusing you of not loving him, was firmly in AH territory. He booked a (non-refundable!) flight to your hometown without consulting with you first. You are absolutely right to describe this as "impulsive and unwise" on his part.

This was not an effort on his part to show you that he loves and cares about you, but instead to assert himself and dictate the terms of your relationship. Frankly, it was a manipulative attempt to force what he apparently considers an all-important issue (spending your first Christmas together).

He went behind your back rather than sit down and have an open and honest conversation with you about your relationship both with him and with your family. And now he can sit home and consider whether it was really worth however many hundreds of pounds to learn that lesson.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

My boyfriend (23M) and I (19F) have been dating for 10 months now. He’s from the UK where I study at university, and I am currently back in the USA for winter break. I made a horrible mistake about how I handled his invitation to Christmas and refusing to let him come to mine (in another post of mine).

Yesterday, I decided to call him and try to fix things, since what I did was so wrong. I explained my family’s issues with racism (he’s Jordanian and I’m white), and how I was wanting to protect him and trying to handle my family’s problems before he gets introduced.

I acknowledged that I should’ve told him, and handed it poorly, but would be honest with him from now on. I also told him that I had a conversation with my family about my relationship, and told them any racist behavior from their end would be completely unacceptable.

Initially, he was understanding of my situation. He said my family didn’t change the way he felt or viewed me, he was glad I was honest, and he apologized for his reactions earlier. After a while, he said that after what happened, we should lay some ground rules for each person in our relationship.

I thought it was going to be things like honesty, trust, consideration etc. Instead he literally gave me things I must do in order for this relationship to be “successful”. Firstly, he told me I couldn’t make decisions about things without him first. He basically said that relationships require sacrifice and compromise, and with big things such as Christmas, vacations, etc.

I would need him to be ok with me doing these things. He said it was childish of me to be in the habit of “doing whatever I want.” Secondly, he told me I should distance myself from my family. I actually understand his reasoning here, considering how some of them are racist and not great people.

I told him it was complicated, because I still loved them despite this (which might make me just as bad?? not sure). I can still see where he was coming from, so I told him that if they ever made a racist comment about anyone in front of me, I would try to educate and if that didn’t work, I would distance myself. He then said I was playing middleman, and that was unfair to him.

He said in a few years when we get married, I would have to make the choice. He finally told me he wants my location on at all times, and wants me to go low contact with my male friends, most of which are gay anyways. I told him lot of these rules seemed over the top, and in the most patronizing tone, he said “You’ve never been in a relationship before and I’m older than you, so you should listen.”

The moment he said that I thought it didn’t sound like him at all. Most of the time he is the most easy-going and relaxed person, so I couldn’t believe it. I told him I didn’t appreciate being talked to like a child, and if he wanted to be someone’s father, then he should look for another person. He said that while he still forgave me for what I did earlier, my behavior was a testament to how immature I am.

He then said we would continue this conversation another time and hung up, before we could even say goodbye. I feel like I partially caused this shift in his behavior by inadvertently making him insecure because of my refusal to let him come. Before this, he was honestly the last person I would ever consider getting insecure.

He is very good-looking, has a good career, and has always been confident so I would never think he would act this way. It breaks my heart to know that I caused his actions, and want to know how I can convince him to let go of the rules so things can go back to the way they were? Or AITA for declining to follow the rules and should I just follow them?

Edit: I’ve been in this relationship for 10 months and really do love him. I told my friends the things he said and they’ve reiterated the points made here, but I guess it’s hard for me to wrap my head around how he could go from such a good guy to this. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet, but please be mindful that it’s a lot more difficult for me to look at this objectively.

Second edit: I appreciate everyone’s comments and support. I have read every single comment and have thought about my relationship all afternoon. I cried when I realized I must end things. I will be calling/texting him tomorrow morning and breaking up.

The commenters had a lot of thoughts.

deer-behind-the-wolf wrote:

OP, I'm gonna be brutally honest here, even if I get down-voted to hell. Keep in mind I've read your first post:

1- he comes from a mis-gynistic culture, even if he's not Muslim. And it's showing. Why?

a- he got angry cause you chose your birth family for Christmas, even though you guys haven't been together not even for 1 year.

b- he inserted himself in your holidays with those tickets he bought. That was controlling and intrusive, NOT caring.

c- now, just because you didn't really told him why you didn't want him there (to not hurt him) he's taking that as a green flag to call you "immature" and assume an even MORE controlling stance.

d- he's already used manipulation: "Don't you love me?"

2- There's plenty of suffering in your future if you remain with this guy. This has only just begun.

Leave him and spare yourself, or regret it later. The choice is yours.

BasicRabbit4 wrote:

OP, you didn't cause him to be like this. It was already there and he latched onto the first mistake you made to show his true colors. He's using your guilt to manipulate you and control you and make it your fault. This was always what was going to happen. Nothing you did or didn't do was going to prevent it.

You're 19, you just got done being a child who had to listen to their parents. This is the time for you to make your own decisions, be independent and ya.. do what you want (within reason obvs). Don't stay in this relationship. Its not going to end well for you if he's already this controlling after 10 months.

NefariousnessFresh42 wrote:

OP this is classic controlling behavior - he is trying to isolate you from your family (I haven't read your other post yet, but it looks like they are inadvertently giving him the right tools to do so), from your friends and basically everything that would provide you a place of refuge and shelter if you ever have to leave him.

This whole "I am older, so you must listen" would not fly even if he was ten years older, but he is f--king 23... that is four years older than you, he still is a f--king immature child (maybe not legally, but certainly from the way he acts).

What are the rules for him? What are the sacrifices he makes? Right now all I can see is him trying to basically make all decisions for you and make him totally dependent on you, while he gives up nothing. NTA - and when you go back to the UK politely tell him to f-k the hell off.

extinct_diplodocus wrote:

Sorry, but YTA for even considering following those rules. Yes, you messed up the Christmas thing, but that doesn't excuse his rules. He's just declared himself the dictator and you his subservient follower. He's now shown himself as extremely controlling and jealous. Believe him. Don't drink the Kool-Aid.

A day later, OP had yet another update.

Hey everyone, I wanted to update on my previous two posts. I received great advice from a lot of people and it immensely helped me trying it evaluate our relationship. I texted my friends about the situation, and they also agreed he sounded overbearing. About an hour ago, I ended things for good. I texted him yesterday afternoon that I thought we should have a serious discussion about our relationship.

He said we should wait until we have both cooled off from our conversations earlier, so I suggested tomorrow. He sent me his usual good night and I love you texts, which kinda broke me. His horrible behavior didn’t erase 10 months of love that I feel for him, and it almost felt like betraying him saying the same things back when I knew what I was going to do in the morning.

Here’s kinda a summarized version of the call (It was over an hour so I condensed it as much as I could and I tried to write it as quickly as the call ended so I wouldn’t forget). Anyways, when I called him, he seemed very normal and calm. We talked for 10 minutes just about how things were going and stuff. Then I basically told him that I didn’t want to do this, but I thought it would be best if we broke up.

I said that we probably expected different things from our partners, and I couldn’t do what he wanted from me. After I said that, he sat in silence for like a minute. I thought the call had dropped, but then he said he was processing what I said. He asked me if this was revenge for what he said two days ago, and I said no, just a realization of incompatibility.

He then said he wasn’t going to change his mind on his boundaries, and me giving him an ultimatum was manipulative. I told him that this wasn’t an ultimatum, it was going to happen. He then kept repeating “What the f--k [my name]?” and then told me I didn’t mean it. He asked me if I loved him still, and I said yes, and then he said he knows I’ll come back.

I said this was it. He said something about how we need each other and went on a rant, but I don’t remember that much of it because I was crying at that point. I cut him off at the end, and just said goodbye. He said he would never forgive me and I would never see him again since “he was that awful” and then hung up. I immediately blocked his number, whatsapp, snopchat and insta.

I do not think he will have another way of contacting me. I do not think he will seek me out or anything, so im not too worried about that. My university accommodation also has front desk security and you can’t get in without a keycard. Thanks again everyone.

Not long after posting, she shared a small update.

Edit: His mom just texted me saying she was sad things ended the way they did, but she wishes me all the best.

Minor update: One of his friends tried adding me on snapchat for some reason. Don’t know if it’s him using his friend’s account, his friend wants to know what happened, or a coincidence he added me right when this unfolded.

The comments kept coming.

JellicoAlpha3_1_ wrote:

You did the right thing.

He doesn't want an equal partner.

He wants a woman who will just do everything he tells her to do.

BadmiralHarryKim wrote:

NTA. Setting boundaries and then actually enforcing them is an important life skill.

NefariousnessFresh24 wrote:

NTA - you did the right thing. When you get back make sure to inform campus accommodations that this person is not allowed to contact you or visit you or anything.

He also might try to see you in the buildings where you have your lectures (if those are accessible) or places where you shop or like to eat. For the next few weeks see if you can mostly socialize in groups and with friends, avoid being alone.

OP responded:

Thank you. Most of the buildings require an ID to get into!

letsgetlitigious wrote:

Read all your other posts mentally screaming to run so I just came here to say Phew. The plane ticket was his fault, but he still tried to use it to bully you into following his insane manifesto. I also cringed really hard reading 'when we get married in a few years', the least romantic and loving way to talk about a CHOICE you hadn't made yet.

The mask slippeth off of this guy, it usually does happen around a year. Once you find another relationship take it sloooooow so you aren't in love for a year or two to be blindsided by another redpiller in sheep's clothing. Good on you getting out and keep your chin up!

Torquip wrote:

It’s always funny to me when ppl date someone 5+ years younger and then say they’re “immature”. Yeah, maybe if they were actually your age they wouldn’t be.

You’re doing the right thing here. He seems misogynistic, manipulative, and he’s projecting his own selfishness onto you. Even if he seems nice, the bad will ruin it for you. His boundaries are bad and u don’t need him.

Sources: Reddit,Reddit,Reddit
© Copyright 2025 Someecards, Inc

ADVERTISING
Featured Content