'AITA for defending my daughter's choice to turn down a boy's advances?' UPDATED

"AITA for defending my daughter's choice to turn down a boy's advances?"

Hello all, my husband and I have been arguing about this all day and I need some outside perspective.

My husband picked my daughter (Cindy) up from school and he saw her speaking to a schoolmate that she had previously had a crush on.

For context, last year during a sleepover my husband and I overheard Cindy's friends lightly teasing her over having a crush on this boy. My husband also gently teased her with some innocent jokes like "Cindy and boy sitting on a tree K I S S I N G" type of silliness and he sometimes brings it up randomly to tease her, like asking her if she wants to invite "her boyfriend" when we go on family outings.

She never actually dated him or is even friends with him as far as we know, her dad just likes to tease her. Anyway, apparently over the summer the boy was injured in an accident and he missed the first couple of weeks of school as a result.

When my husband was picking her up, he saw them talking and noticed that the boy had significant scarring on his face and hand. When he asked her what happened to him and what they were talking about (saying that the boy looked disappointed) she explained to him about his accident and that he was just asking her out on a date but that she turned him down.

My husband was furious at her and scolded her for being so shallow as to reject him because his appearance has changed. Cindy was crying when she got home, she told me all this and insisted she was polite when turning him down and was just not interested in him romantically anymore.

I told my husband to apologize to my daughter and that he never should have made her feel bad for turning down anyone's romantic advances. I told him that our daughter is old enough to decide who she is attracted to and it would be cruel of her to have said yes out of pity, thus leading him on.

My husband is now saying that hes ees me differently and that I should be ashamed for teaching Cindy to be a "shallow monster" and "ableist". He is also angry that I undermined him when he was scolding our daughter and says we should not undermine each other's authority when disciplining our child.

I was not doing it to undermine him, I just think its not healthy to make our daughter feel guilty and shamed for not being interested in someone. I do feel bad for the boy but I dont think it is anyone's place, neither mine nor my husband's, to tell Cindy she has to date someone or she's a bad person. AITA?

The internet did not hold back.

NerdySwampWitch40 wrote:

NTA. Just because Cindy may or may not have had a crush on this boy last year doesn't mean she always would, especially after not being around him all summer. Your husband made a massive leap in assuming the only reason Cindy isn't interested anymore is the boy's scarring. He didn't talked to her, he jumped on her and pushed an unfortunate narrative- that Cindy owed this boy her attention.

She does not.

You need to point out to your husband that what is ableist is insisting that Cindy date a boy purely because he now has scarring and she can't turn him down because he deserves it to make up for what happened to him.

That's a gross way to look at disability. If he has concerns about Cindy judging only on appearances, he could have had a calm and reasoned conversation with her. He chose not to. That's on him.

Arousing_Beauty wrote:

NTAH. Your husband is way out of line. It's Cindy's choice who she dates, and you're absolutely right to support her decision and teach her healthy relationship boundaries. His behavior is controlling and frankly, a little creepy. He owes Cindy a huge apology.

Jolly_Mammoth238 wrote:

That he literally said “punish her” because she made a choice for herself is wiiiilllllddd. Should she say yes to anybody no matter what so they don’t feel rejected!? He’s so out of line, I’m gobsmacked. Girls NEED to learn that they are allowed to say NO to anyone for any reason. OMG. I can’t.

Imaginary-Bag5385 wrote:

NTA! I'm sorry, but your husband seems shockingly immature in this case. He teased your daughter the way children do. He got hurt on behalf of the boy - thinking it was due to his scarring, and forgetting that youth crushes sometimes last for a week. Maybe he sees his vulnerable self in that boy.

But he can't let himself be so emotionally affected that he's unable to understand the nature of his daughter's crush and respect her decision. He's literally acting like a boy mid puberty who got rejected - who can't accept that loss of feelings isn't a mistake you actively make due to personal flaws.

Once the post gained traction, OP jumped on with an update.

EDIT: Wow I did not anticipate this getting so many responses when I wrote it last night before bed. I’m trying to read through all the replies so I can approach this with my Husband again later today. I’m also going to have a talk privately with Cindy about the situation. Thank you so much for all the responses, I feel more confident now in my choice to defend Cindy.

My husband is not a bad guy, he didn’t tease Cindy to hurt her it was to be playful and Cindy didn’t seem to bothered by it, she would usually brush him off when he made those jokes. I think my husband was shortsighted when it came to this situation but he is not a bad father and he really loves me and his daughter, even if he makes mistakes sometimes.

The comments kept coming.

subacai wrote:

This could easily be flipped as "why is he only interested in your daughter now that he looks 'uglier/disabled'?"

Your husband is insensitive to your daughter on all levels here.

Teasing about her "boyfriend". How does Cindy react to this teasing? Does she play along, is she embarrassed by it, does it annoy her?

Denying her autonomy on who she's interested in. Has she even brought up her crush aside from a short time a year ago? She says she's not interested anymore. Even if it's because of his injuries, that's allowed. We have no way of knowing if she was interested in more than his looks in the first place. And again, that's allowed. They're (presumably) teenagers. Not best known for making deep decisions.

I am not calling Cindy shallow, EVEN IF her decisions are currently looks based. People have all sorts of criteria for partners. As long as Cindy was not cruel, and by her account, she wasn't, then your husband is the AH for thinking he can force a pity relationship onto your daughter.

thenextmae wrote:

Intentionally or not, he's training her that she's not allowed to say no unless she has a reason he thinks is good enough regardless of her feelings, and that he cares more about some kid he doesn't know than his own daughter.

He's setting her up for getting involved with and/or sleeping with people she doesn't want to because she's afraid she's not supposed to say no because it's rude or hurtful. It happened to me, and it'll happen to her if you let him keep this up.

Neonpinx wrote:

Your husband is a creep. He’s been pushing this boy on her since last year. Crushes are fleeting and your husband fabricated a whole relationship and made wild assumptions about Cindy’s feelings about this boy and why she turned him down.

Your creep husband cares more about a boy he’s never talked to than the safety and wellbeing of your daughter. Is he going to force her to have s-x with him too and then call her shallow and ableist is she doesn’t.

Your husband is a misogynist AH and is harming your daughter’s mental health and safety with his dangerous mentality. He does not know this boy and what your daughter knows and has experienced of him. He could be a jerk and abusive. NTA. Protect your daughter from your creep husband. He does not have her best interest at heart and does not respect her autonomy.