'AITA for defending my daughter's choice to turn down a boy's advances?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for defending my daughter's choice to turn down a boy's advances?"

Hello all, my husband and I have been arguing about this all day and I need some outside perspective.

My husband picked my daughter (Cindy) up from school and he saw her speaking to a schoolmate that she had previously had a crush on.

For context, last year during a sleepover my husband and I overheard Cindy's friends lightly teasing her over having a crush on this boy. My husband also gently teased her with some innocent jokes like "Cindy and boy sitting on a tree K I S S I N G" type of silliness and he sometimes brings it up randomly to tease her, like asking her if she wants to invite "her boyfriend" when we go on family outings.

She never actually dated him or is even friends with him as far as we know, her dad just likes to tease her. Anyway, apparently over the summer the boy was injured in an accident and he missed the first couple of weeks of school as a result.

When my husband was picking her up, he saw them talking and noticed that the boy had significant scarring on his face and hand. When he asked her what happened to him and what they were talking about (saying that the boy looked disappointed) she explained to him about his accident and that he was just asking her out on a date but that she turned him down.

My husband was furious at her and scolded her for being so shallow as to reject him because his appearance has changed. Cindy was crying when she got home, she told me all this and insisted she was polite when turning him down and was just not interested in him romantically anymore.

I told my husband to apologize to my daughter and that he never should have made her feel bad for turning down anyone's romantic advances. I told him that our daughter is old enough to decide who she is attracted to and it would be cruel of her to have said yes out of pity, thus leading him on.

My husband is now saying that hes ees me differently and that I should be ashamed for teaching Cindy to be a "shallow monster" and "ableist". He is also angry that I undermined him when he was scolding our daughter and says we should not undermine each other's authority when disciplining our child.

I was not doing it to undermine him, I just think its not healthy to make our daughter feel guilty and shamed for not being interested in someone. I do feel bad for the boy but I dont think it is anyone's place, neither mine nor my husband's, to tell Cindy she has to date someone or she's a bad person. AITA?

The internet did not hold back.

NerdySwampWitch40 wrote:

NTA. Just because Cindy may or may not have had a crush on this boy last year doesn't mean she always would, especially after not being around him all summer. Your husband made a massive leap in assuming the only reason Cindy isn't interested anymore is the boy's scarring. He didn't talked to her, he jumped on her and pushed an unfortunate narrative- that Cindy owed this boy her attention.

She does not.

You need to point out to your husband that what is ableist is insisting that Cindy date a boy purely because he now has scarring and she can't turn him down because he deserves it to make up for what happened to him.

That's a gross way to look at disability. If he has concerns about Cindy judging only on appearances, he could have had a calm and reasoned conversation with her. He chose not to. That's on him.

Arousing_Beauty wrote:

NTAH. Your husband is way out of line. It's Cindy's choice who she dates, and you're absolutely right to support her decision and teach her healthy relationship boundaries. His behavior is controlling and frankly, a little creepy. He owes Cindy a huge apology.

Jolly_Mammoth238 wrote:

That he literally said “punish her” because she made a choice for herself is wiiiilllllddd. Should she say yes to anybody no matter what so they don’t feel rejected!? He’s so out of line, I’m gobsmacked. Girls NEED to learn that they are allowed to say NO to anyone for any reason. OMG. I can’t.

Imaginary-Bag5385 wrote:

NTA! I'm sorry, but your husband seems shockingly immature in this case. He teased your daughter the way children do. He got hurt on behalf of the boy - thinking it was due to his scarring, and forgetting that youth crushes sometimes last for a week. Maybe he sees his vulnerable self in that boy.

But he can't let himself be so emotionally affected that he's unable to understand the nature of his daughter's crush and respect her decision. He's literally acting like a boy mid puberty who got rejected - who can't accept that loss of feelings isn't a mistake you actively make due to personal flaws.

Once the post gained traction, OP jumped on with an update.

EDIT: Wow I did not anticipate this getting so many responses when I wrote it last night before bed. I’m trying to read through all the replies so I can approach this with my Husband again later today. I’m also going to have a talk privately with Cindy about the situation. Thank you so much for all the responses, I feel more confident now in my choice to defend Cindy.

My husband is not a bad guy, he didn’t tease Cindy to hurt her it was to be playful and Cindy didn’t seem to bothered by it, she would usually brush him off when he made those jokes. I think my husband was shortsighted when it came to this situation but he is not a bad father and he really loves me and his daughter, even if he makes mistakes sometimes.

The comments kept coming.

subacai wrote:

This could easily be flipped as "why is he only interested in your daughter now that he looks 'uglier/disabled'?"

Your husband is insensitive to your daughter on all levels here.

Teasing about her "boyfriend". How does Cindy react to this teasing? Does she play along, is she embarrassed by it, does it annoy her?

Denying her autonomy on who she's interested in. Has she even brought up her crush aside from a short time a year ago? She says she's not interested anymore. Even if it's because of his injuries, that's allowed. We have no way of knowing if she was interested in more than his looks in the first place. And again, that's allowed. They're (presumably) teenagers. Not best known for making deep decisions.

I am not calling Cindy shallow, EVEN IF her decisions are currently looks based. People have all sorts of criteria for partners. As long as Cindy was not cruel, and by her account, she wasn't, then your husband is the AH for thinking he can force a pity relationship onto your daughter.

thenextmae wrote:

Intentionally or not, he's training her that she's not allowed to say no unless she has a reason he thinks is good enough regardless of her feelings, and that he cares more about some kid he doesn't know than his own daughter.

He's setting her up for getting involved with and/or sleeping with people she doesn't want to because she's afraid she's not supposed to say no because it's rude or hurtful. It happened to me, and it'll happen to her if you let him keep this up.

Neonpinx wrote:

Your husband is a creep. He’s been pushing this boy on her since last year. Crushes are fleeting and your husband fabricated a whole relationship and made wild assumptions about Cindy’s feelings about this boy and why she turned him down.

Your creep husband cares more about a boy he’s never talked to than the safety and wellbeing of your daughter. Is he going to force her to have s-x with him too and then call her shallow and ableist is she doesn’t.

Your husband is a misogynist AH and is harming your daughter’s mental health and safety with his dangerous mentality. He does not know this boy and what your daughter knows and has experienced of him. He could be a jerk and abusive. NTA. Protect your daughter from your creep husband. He does not have her best interest at heart and does not respect her autonomy.

Two days later, OP shared a major update.

Hi everyone, I got a lot of responses yesterday and I thought I should update on what happened since I posted.

I wanted to address some things first that I saw in the replies.

Many comments were either implying or outright saying that if my daughter's reasons for turning down the boy (I'll call him Sam for this post) were primarily because of the change in appearance after his accident, then that would mean my husband was right that she was a shallow monster and I was enabling her.

This didn't sit right with me and hurt to hear. But people also pointed out that if the roles were reversed, and it was my daughter who's appearance had changed and was then rejected by a boy then I would probably be livid at the boy, right?

These comments stuck with me and really made me think more deeply about this whole situation, and Im really glad I was asked these things because it made me realize what lessons I wanted my daughter to get from this situation.

I realized that although I would be upset if this happened to my daughter, I would not be upset at someone for rejecting her so long as they treat her with respect and dignity. I would be upset at the unfair situation she was in, but I would never expect some random person to make it their mission to rectify this injustice at the expense of their own autonomy.

I would instead comfort my daughter and explain to her that people are like puzzle pieces; not all of them fit together and that just because a boy she liked wasn't her puzzle piece does not make her any less valuable or beautiful, and one day she might find someone who does fit well with her.

The lesson I wanted my daughter to learn from this was that she was not shallow for rejecting someone romantically regardless of the reason, even if it was physical. That everyone is owed human decency and respect, but not romantic affection. Denying someone equal respect and dignity because or their appearance would be shallow but she did not do that.

Her romantic affection is not a commodity to be distributed, it belonged to her and she is not obligated to be "fair" when it comes to who she wants to share it with. It belonged to her alone, and is a privilege she gets to bestow on someone she likes and who treats her well.

A lot of the comments really made me realize how important it is for Cindy to feel like her consent matters because what could start with just going on a date she doesn't want to go on could one day escalate into her being pressured or coerced into dangerous and traumatizing situations or a--sive relationships.

Thank you so much to the commenters who shared their stories which helped me realize how important this way.

Some people claimed that I would likely leave my husband if his appearance changed, but sorry to disappoint you guys because I would never do such a thing. I love my husband so much, my relationship with him is stronger than just dating or a crush. We built a life together, and his appearance changing would not change that.

We have been married for long enough that my attraction to him and love for him now go far deeper than looks. Maybe it would be a different story if we were just dating and barely knew each other, but things change once you make vows to each other to stick together in sickness or in health.

Many people are claiming that my husband is a monster and abusive. It may seem that way if all you know about him is this ONE situation, but he is a full human being. He does more for this family everyday than I could ever express in one post. He has issues with anger in that he often says things he regrets during.

But when he cools off, he is always open to listening and communication. I know now how damaging his teasing of Cindy about Sam was last year, and I will make sure that doesn't happen again, but I assure you all that this is something he has done out of ignorance and not malice. He loves Cindy to bits and would never intentionally do something to harm her.

Okay, onto what happened yesterday. Husband woke up and left the house early so I didn't get a chance to talk to him. When Cindy woke up, I made sure she was okay and told her I wanted to talk to her about what happened the day before. Her friend's mom gave her a ride home and she got here before my husband did so we were able to have a heart to heart.

I told her that she doesn't need to explain to me or anyone why she changed her mind about Sam, and I explained to her all the things I mentioned above. That Sam was going through something very hard and she should be kind to him, but she does not owe him a date if she is not interested in him romantically.

That she isn't shallow and should never feel pressured to do something with someone she doesn't want to do, and that her dad was upset and said things he didn't mean. Even so, he still loves her and so do I. She was starting to cry so I held her for a while. She told me she was upset more than anything that her dad thinks of her as a bad person.

This broke my heart, and so I told her I would talk to dad about this when he gets home. When my husband got home, I told him we needed to talk about yesterday. He didn't want to at first but I insisted and told him it was about Cindy's well being as she was still upset about it and even thinks that her own father thinks she is a bad person.

This upset him and he said of course he didn't think that. I basically explained to him my thoughts above, and although he was a bit resistant at first and insisted that he just didn't want Cindy to become a shallow person, he really listened when I explained to him how people might take advantage of her if the future if she starts to feel like her consent and her desires don't matter.

I didn't show him the post I made but I wrote down some of the comments and stories and told them to him. I told him they were stories I found online from people who experienced something similar.

I didn't show him my post because so many comments were unfairly painting him as a monster and I was worried it would make him defensive. I think it broke through to him because he was really upset at the thought of our daughter one day being manipulated into staying with someone who was hurting her.

He went to talk to her privately in her room while I prepared dinner, and afterwards she seemed a lot happier and was joking around with her dad again. Today, they're both planning to go bowling together as well. Thank you everyone for the advice, the stories, and for motivating me to stick to my decision to defend Cindy. You guys are awesome.

The commenters were glad to hear the update.

Particular-Court-619 wrote:

Also - my friend...y'all OVERHEARD [aka eavesdropped] and heard a private conversation, then your husband teased her about liking a boy off and on for a long time?

That itself is f'd up.

Trin_42 wrote:

NGL, I had mixed feelings about your post OP. I saw both sides and reversed the situation as well and I felt for you. There were many things that you never considered so I’m really glad you absorbed what this thread was trying to tell you.

I did think your husband was TA for his response and words to your daughter so I’m relieved you two were able to have a conversation to hash it out. That’s a great marriage, yes he was still mad but he listened and realized he wasn’t righteous.

Mysterious_Fudge_743 wrote:

It is good that he apologized. However, you seem to be defending his angry outbursts as okay because he acts calm afterwards. That is not the case and not okay. We all get upset sometimes, but you can't unring the bell.

Him patching things up with your daughter doesn't undo the hurt he caused in the first place as if it never happened, and that alone is an unhealthy thing to normalize.

[deleted] wrote:

Your husband called your daughter a "shallow monster" and said that he would never look at her or you the same way again. And he did this for checks notes turning down a date with a boy she hadn't seen for months. Your husband needs help. Your daughter probably does too, now. Those are the kinds of words that stay with a person forever.