Context: My daughter is 15 and got invited to go out for “dinner” (really lunch) at a KBBQ joint near us for her friend’s 16th. My daughter has been dying to try KBBQ- and her friend is renting out a karaoke room. On the invitation, however, it says all the kids invited are required to bring $80 to pay for their own food and give back to the girls mom for the karaoke room costs.
I think this is BS- if you invite someone, you should be at least OFFERING to pay. At least that’s how I was raised. And Korean BBQ- that stuff’s not cheap! Don’t know about other places, but the restaurant my daughter was invited to charges like $60 for one meal which is expensive!!! And expecting these 15-16 year olds to bring that money is insane!
The food itself is enough, but what really doesn’t make sense to me is why is my kid expected to pay back for the karaoke room that wasn’t even her idea?? This is turning into a rant so to cut things short- I usually wouldn’t have an issue just giving her the money even if it was annoying. But my husband got laid off recently and money is tight.
I really don’t know if I’ll be able to afford to give her $80 for food that- in all honesty- I don’t think she’ll even like. My daughter is very picky, so I really don’t think she’ll like anything other than maybe the meat. Anyway, I feel really bad telling her she can’t go, especially since she’s been struggling to make friends lately and is finally being invited to something.
The guilt I’d feel not letting her go is tremendous but I really can barely afford it right now. I’m sure I could make it work if I tried but it would just be so much easier to have her tell her friend she’s busy or something.
Anyway- WIBTA if I don’t let her?
IamIrene wrote:
INFO:Have you told your daughter that you simply cannot afford this? Because whatever your feelings on the matter, this appears to be the real reason for her not to go.
ETA:
"I could make it work if I tried but it would just be so much easier to have her tell her friend she’s busy or something."
YTA. If you can, you should make it work because...
"She’s been struggling to make friends lately and is finally being invited to something."
CrankyBiker wrote:
YWBTA if you don't handle this conversation well. Explain that money is tight, and that you don't love the way the invitation was handled, but do not discourage her because of things she might not like to eat. You should not pre-filter activities that she might not enjoy, that is part of growing up. She has to go and experience these things for herself.
Maybe meet in the middle, and explain that you will need some extra help with chores and stuff to help offset the cost, like an advance on some future allowance money. You are NTA for thinking this is a fairly rude invite for teenagers, essentially putting all the parents in a tough spot. The venue should 100% be covered, if not the food too.
Suspicious-Bit4888 wrote:
Did you seriously just say that 'you don't think she'd like anything besides meat' in regards to a K-BBQ? It's 90% meat. Don't impose your own opinions onto her.
If she's excited about trying a K-BBQ you shouldn't be trying to persuade her otherwise - even if this party isn't an option. If you can't afford it then be honest with her about it. You should be talking to her about all of this and considering reasonable compromises if possible. You could suggest she do small jobs to gain some pocket money to ease the financial strain etc.
If your main reason is 'it would be easier to say she's busy' then yes that is an AH move. You've admitted that she's struggling to make friends and that this is something that would bring her genuine joy, if you're taking that from her because 'it's easier' that's incredibly harsh to your daughter.
As for 'you're not sure it's worth it' that depends on what value you're placing on it. In monetary regards? No it's probably not. For your daughter's happiness and mental health? That's up to you. If you genuinely can't afford it and there's no other options then that's a different story.
Again, have an honest and open discussion with her and actually listen to what she is saying. If the party is a no go at least she will know you tried to make it happen and aren't just dismissing her feelings. For now I withhold judgement as at this point I think you're in a neutral position. I believe the way you handle this matter is what would sway judgement either way.
curien wrote:
If you are not allowing her to go, YTA.
If you are not giving her $80 so that she can go, but you are willing to let her pay for herself and help her figure out how to do work to earn it if she doesn't already have $80 saved, NAH.
palcatraz wrote:
YTA if you just keep her from going. Your daughter is old enough to start paying for these expenses herself. And she is also old enough for you to stop having the final say on what she can and can’t spend her money on.
And yeah, some of it is going to be stupid or not what you would’ve spend money on. But that is for both her and you to learn. Be fair and give her whatever money you ordinarily would’ve given her for a gift if this wasn’t a paid party and explain this is all you can spare right now and that the rest is up to her.
Remind her that your family’s finances have changed and you all need to make changes as a result. Leave it to your daughter to decide if it is worth going to the party if she has to pay the rest herself. If you can help her earn the rest of the money through chores (or hooking her up with family/friends that have a few chores for her) do that.
PublicFishing3199 wrote:
I mean I remember being invited to friends’ parties when I was younger and my mother giving me money for the event. Skating rink or bowling party. The space was rented and decorations, cake and maybe ice cream and drinks were provided.
But if I was bowling/ skating or playing video games or any other activity i was expected to pay plus the cost of a birthday present. That was decades ago but would have put my mom out $20-40. I feel like this is about the same.
So I think ywbtha if you straight up said no. But have a conversation with your daughter. Maybe even have a conversation with the parent of their friend. It may be a little embarrassing to talk about your financial problems, but I feel a parent of a close friend would understand and maybe be lenient on maybe forgoing the karaoke room fee to help outs.
Edit: It’s only been like 30 minutes but thank you for the responses. Honestly, you all have opened my eyes a lot to ways to go about this I didn’t even consider. I want to say I really do like the idea of her getting her own money to pay, but the party is in a week and she does not have a job.
She doesn’t really have any way to make money (that doesn’t involve chores, but either way, that would come out of my pockets. And before you twist this sentence, I have no problem giving her allowance, it’s just the current situation in which it’s hard.) and she’s a big spender, which she got from me haha, so she doesn’t really have money saved up. (Don’t worry- I have a savings account for her.)
I also appreciate your criticisms about how I said “she probably won’t like it.” I guess I didn’t realize KBBQ was mostly meat, I thought it would have more traditional Korean food, which is a judgement error on my part. I actually am happy she wants to expand her tastes, so I understand the way I worded it was iffy. If and when I reach a consensus, I will update you all, so thank you for your comments and suggestions. They help a ton.