'AITA for disagreeing with my sister-in-law over my (still living) parents’ estate?'
"AITA for disagreeing with my sister-in-law over my (still living) parents’s estate?"
I’m gay and live with my boyfriend and I have a younger brother that lives with his wife in a separate town. All of us are in our 30s.
My parents are starting to get up there in the age and are happily retired. They both are very comfortably off and have always been fantastic parents. My boyfriend and I have chosen not to have children and my brother and his wife have decided that they would like to start a family.
All four of us are fairly well off independently in terms of careers and incomes. Out of the four of us, I probably do a little bit better because of my career. My brother and sister in law have a house and are planning for children, although their spending is fairly unsustainable.
Recently my parents have been talking to me about legacy planning for their estate and asked that I be the executer/trustee of their estate (a few million dollars in liquid and illiquid assets). Since I’m the oldest son, have a background in finance and have a lot of connections in the legal space it just made sense to them.
Part of the planning involves establishing a trust that puts a fair bit authority into the hands of the executor/trustee - even while my parents are still alive. My parents are explicit that they don’t want someone outside the immediate family acting as the trustee.
The contention that my sister-in-law has is that my boyfriend and I have chosen not to have kids. Her position is that it’s her responsibility to provide the only grandkids my parents will have, and therefore it will be my brother and her that will be able to best carry on my parents’ legacy.
Recently she has been pressuring my brother to talk to my parents about adjusting their will. The opening position of my sister in law is taking is that I should be removed as executor/trustee and be pretty much be cut out of the will.
She has noted that certain assets that have sentimental value could be discussed after my parents’ passing. However the more liquid assets, stock holdings, the house, property, possessions and insurance should be directed towards my brother (and through extension her).
My sister-in-law’s has been clear to me that since I won’t have children that I am incapable of continuing my parents legacy and even said that my family’s “history would be wasted on a de-d end.” My parents have been clear that they want their estate to be equitably allocated. Now clearly this is their legacy and what they want is all that matters.
SIL’s contention is that this about ensuring my parent’s legacy is passed down to future generations. AITA for not deferring to my sister-in-law’s point of view- after all she has a point that my family’s legacy isn’t going to continue with my boyfriend and I. On the other hand, just because I’m not having kids doesn’t mean that I’m unworthy of handling my parents affairs.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
JSqueezle wrote:
NTA - it’s not your SIL’s decision how to divide the estate. It’s your parents’ decision. The fact that she’s making a claim to a greater share of wealth just because she PLANS to have kids is just plain gross and old-fashioned. What if she and your brother divorce or you and your partner change your mind about kids in a few years?
OP responded:
Truthfully, the potential divorce component is one of the main reasons why I don’t want her near the estate. A detail I couldn’t fit into the description was that she made my brother buy the house they have with his own savings and 100% of the down payment was by him and the house is in both of their names.
CluesLostHelp wrote:
Sounds like your parents should specifically write SIL out of their will. Anything for your brother and his kids can be put into a trust.
I would assume at your parents' wealth level, they have advisors who can help them set it up as such as well too.
OP responded:
I should also add that because of my SIL, my brother and I have not spoken in years. He and I were extremely close growing up, but we have pretty avoided each other over the years since the SIL and I don’t get along.
The issues with my SIL have really spilled over into my relationship with my brother. I think in the past 8-10 years my parents have seen my brother and I together in the same room at the same time maybe twice.
UteLawyer wrote:
NTA. Let her fight her own battles. Your parents made their wishes clear. There is no point in arguing against your own self-interest.
OP responded:
I struggle with the self-interest part a lot actually. Yes, I fully admit that the manner in which my parents want to allocate the estate has a significant monetary allocation in my favor. I would be okay even without the money.
There are three reasons why I am arguing with my SIL:
I do not get along with my SIL and there is a history of us going toe to toe with each other. It’s irreconcilable at this point and some serious trust issues between us.1
I want my parents’ plan for how they want their estate to be handled to be followed to the letter and not manipulated by anyone
I’m a little sensitive to this last one and it’s probably my weakest reason. When I was in the closet I had a constant fear of being disowned. That fear turned out to be really unjustified and when I came out my parents were beyond supportive and loving.
Getting removed from their estate somehow brings back the feelings of being disowned or unworthy of being a full member of the family. I’m struggling with this a little bit because I feel like it could cloud my judgement.
In some weird way I can understand where my SIL is coming from. Families (especially grandparents) often help future generations of the families. I won’t need support from the estate to carry on the family. My brother and SIL on the other hand will presumably need to support their kid(s)’ education, child care, and want to hand down family possessions.
JellyFish2216 wrote:
NTA. Someone needs to remind her that your parents only have two kids and she isn’t one of them. She needs to butt out of your parents’ financial business. Her choosing to have kids doesn’t make her more deserving of your parents’ money.
OP responded:
These are really good points and with respect to college fund my parents and I have been talking about that. There’s a few fairly safe interest bearing and relatively secure growth vehicles that we have discussed as options.