'AITA for telling my ex's wife that I don't care what she wants?'
"AITA telling my ex's wife that I don't care what she wants?"
I have two children (11 and 10) with my ex-husband. We divorced on not so great terms. Mostly due to his job which is relevant to now. About a year into our six year marriage he changed jobs.
It wasn't a huge deal at first and he was honest that it required him to work out of town once a month which wasn't too bad. One night of him being gone was fine. But then he accepted a job change which acted as a promotion but not a direct promotion.
This job he took without telling me and it required more travel. I told him I wasn't okay with being left like that for who knows how long. I said if he didn't dedicate time to our family or took another so called promotion like this without talking it over with me first I was done with our marriage. By the time I was pregnant with our second child he did the same thing again and I followed through.
I moved out and took our oldest with me. The house was his from before our marriage so it wasn't a marital asset and I didn't fight him on that. But during our divorce (when our second child was several months old) he acknowledged in court that he had chosen to take a different position again that would see him out of town on a regular basis could be gone anywhere from 2 to 3 weeks a month.
This was what ultimately led to him getting one to two weekends a month depending on his work schedule. But only if he has the kids. If he's home during any school breaks he can have them then. But only for as long as he is home.
This worked in some way until he remarried. His wife was constantly saying custody could be 50-50 now and the kids would be with her and I refused to entertain that idea. If they weren't going to see their dad they weren't going to his house. Now she and my ex have a child together, a baby who can't be more than six months old, and she's relentless about having the kids at her house more.
She uses the app my ex and I use for communication to request time. She tried to impersonate my ex but a letter from my lawyer quickly put a stop to that. So now she's upfront that she wants the kids there more. She said when the kids are at her house they act like strangers.
I think it makes sense since that's what they basically are. Their dad is one too. My kids don't like their dad's wife. She makes them uncomfortable because she's not very good at listening to their boundaries on personal space (she tries to force hugs) and because she's repeatedly told them they could call her mom or ma if they'd like.
Now my ex's wife is using her child as a reason the kids should be there 50% of the time. She wrote out this lengthy email to me about all her reasons why she feels it would be in the best interest of the kids.
I replied with no and left it at that. She found this dismissive and confronted me in person to tell me that. She said she wants more time with my kids and to bond with them and for her child to bond with them. I told her I don't care about her wants and she needs to leave it alone. My ex doesn't get involved.
My lawyer knows everything and we did mention ex's wife contacting me when we last saw the judge but due to my ex's already limited parenting time the court won't do anything more. So I don't have a lot of options available to me. I just wonder now if I was wrong to be dismissive and say I don't care about her wants. Whether that's just a way to add conflict. AITA?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Rivermorag13 wrote:
NTA at all...she shouldn’t have any say in the arrangement what so ever. Id be tempted to try mediate with your ex husband and make it clear that it’s not what the children want and if it continues you need to revisit the agreement because she’s making them uncomfortable. (if possible).
OP responded:
It's not going to be possible to work this out with my ex. As much as it pains me to admit he doesn't care. He has been such a hands off dad over the years and I get the impression he only cares about the bottom line ie child support and not the best interest and wellbeing of our kids. Other conversations with him have gone badly. Fortunately he's not fighting on his wife's behalf either. He's just totally hands off.
rivermorag responded:
Oh bless you that doesn’t sound great at all! In that case I’d say continue with what you’re doing being blunt will eventually get through to her hopefully!
OP responded:
It's difficult for me because I feel so bad for my kids. They deserve better than they got. The fact is he became a very different person after we married. Whether that's he found himself being more of a workaholic and less of a family man or whether he lied. I'm not sure. But the guy who dreamed of four to six kids and weekends as a family is not the person he is today.
keesouth wrote:
NTA it's very weird that she cares about this more than their dad does. He's the the one you should be co-parenting with not her. You were absolutely right when telling her that you don't care what she wants.
OP responded:
I feel the same way. It's possible he sold her on the idea of the kids and now that she doesn't have really any relationship with them it's an issue for her. But I just don't like how much she oversteps. None of this would be so bad if she didn't make my kids uncomfortable but she does.
Final_figure_7150 wrote:
NTA. It's clear your Ex doesn't care, and like you said, who even cares what his new wife wants.
Info - Does she involve your kids in this at all ? As in, does she try to manipulate them to talk to you on her behalf or tell them they should be there 50/50 because, reasons? Document it all if she does.
OP responded:
She doesn't see my kids enough to really get the chance. It's possible she has asked them but it wasn't an issue worth bringing up to me if she did because they have mentioned a lot of other stuff.
verybadkris wrote:
NTA. Your ex’s wife is way out of line. She’s not their mom, and she doesn’t get to dictate custody arrangements, especially when your ex isn’t even around enough to make 50/50 feasible. Your kids’ comfort and stability come first, and it’s clear they don’t feel at ease with her.
You’re not being dismissive, you’re protecting your kids from someone who’s overstepping boundaries. She needs to back off and respect the court-ordered arrangement. You’re doing the right thing by standing your ground.