'AITA for divorcing my husband because he wants his surprise son in his life?' UPDATED 2X

"AITAH for divorcing my husband because he wants his son in his life?"

My husband and I have been married for two years. About 6 months ago, an ex of his called him, and told him about their son. After a DNA test, my husband is confirmed as the father.

The kid is 5, and we've been together for 4 years, so it's not like he cheated. He agreed to meet his son, and they have hit it off well. They have been spending a lot of time together, and the mother is happy to let her son connect with his dad.

But the problem is...we both agreed to a childfree life. Neither of us wanted kids. He even got a vasectomy, and I got my tubes tied. We had a talk about this, and he says it's his responsibility to take care of his kid, and he says that he hopes I can support him...but I don't want a stepmom's life.

This may be cruel of me but...I can't stand children. My husband knew this about me. I don't dare to force my husband to choose me or his kid, but this isn't the life I agreed to. I haven't told my husband yet, but I'm already talking to a lawyer. Idk, I just...don't know what to do here.

People in the comment section kept it honest.

Ok-Patience_8626 wrote:

NAH - So long as you don't ultimatum him to choose then you're fine, it's a sucky situation all around but if this is something you truly can't handle then you can't stay, it'll only cause resentment and it could end up directed at the child and it reeks of something that could get messy. I think it's good you're trying to avoid that, at the end of the day you gotta do what's best for you.

[deleted] wrote:

Nah, but what did you expect to happen when he found out he had a kid? Were you expecting him to be a dead beat Dad? Let this man go.

OP responded:

I don't know what I expected, but I wanted to at least try to acclimate to this, but I can't.

Nyankitty666 wrote:

Childfree here. Circumstances have changed. Even though he didn't want to be a father, he is now one. If you don't want to be married to a father and be a stepmom, you can either live separately for 13 years or divorce.

Just know your husband will not be able to be as available, and his finances and plans (will, college, milestones) will always include his son now. I feel bad for both of you. I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

OP responded:

I'm aware. He's been so busy lately that we rarely get time to even talk now.

mustang19671967 wrote:

You do what’s best for you but good for your husband for stepping up and acting like a man. Don’t forget he will also be paying child support so you better file soon or it might affect your divorce.

OP responded:

If you're talking about alimony or assets. Don't worry. We don't own a house, we rent currently. We were gonna buy a house, but his happened. Any other assets would be easily divided, and I make about the same as him, I don't need alimony.

In a follow-up comment, OP shared a bit about her relationship with her husband's son.

Me and the boy...I guess you can say we get along. I feel like he can sense my discomfort with the situation, which I try to ease. I have tried to welcome him into our house, but honestly, he's more excited to hang with his dad. The baby mother doesn't seem to like me much. She's not outright hostile, but she tends to ignore me and always seems to be guard around me.

She hadn't reached out because she never caught my husband's full name, until recently, when she found him on social media by chance. They haven't gone to court to officially hash out child support terms. But my husband is paying for a lot of the kid's needs right now. Baby Mama doesn't seem to be in dire need of money, as I think she comes from a rich family.

A week later, OP shared an update.

So I had a talk with my husband.

To clear a few things:

My husband wants to spend as much time with his son as possible, he even mentioned wanting half custody, and have him live with us. So it's not like he wants to spend "a day or two" with him. He wants to be as close to a full time parent as he possibly can.

Yes, our vows included being child free. It wasn't in wedding speech, but we had several long conversations about kids. This was something we promised each other, so yes. Being child free was part of our vows.

I don't like children and I don't want to have anything to do with raising children, but it's not like I yell at every kid I see. I guess you can say I "hate" the responsibility of raising a child, as opposed to hating children themselves.

Yes, I would stay with my husband if he got in an accident and became disabled. See, I love and adore my husband, and I'm willing to work for him, but only for him. Adding a whole other person to our lives is different. I CAN'T love his kid. I CAN'T be a good step mom. I LOVE my husband, but I don't love his kid.

Now, back to my husband.

He almost blew me off again because he was tired from working and spending time with his son.

But I insisted, and I told him I don't want to live like this. We talked, and he said he can't leave his kid, and that is the one thing he can't compromise on. He said he's gonna see him as much as he can, and he said that he needs to prioritize his kid's well being over anything else, our relationship included.

I told him I don't want to live like that, he said he won't budge on this. We both agreed that we should separate for a while. Neither of us straight up mentioned "divorce" but I'm pretty sure that's where we're headed. I feel empty, and angry, and frustrated. I know my husband isn't at fault, I know the kid isn't at fault, but my life is just changing so much.

The comments kept rolling in.

Hildursfarm wrote:

Kids are a "we both agree to them" if it's biological, step, or adoption, fostering, etc. I think you know where you stand and though you love your husband, he wants this kid in his life, and you don't have to want that.

You both made the decision, got sterilized, you did everything you had to, to be CFBC, and now you're not going to be CFBC but instead have a step child not by choice. It's not fair to you, your husband or especially the kid. Unfortunately, this is divorce time and I would do it asap to keep it amicable.

1_First_1 wrote:

You know, reading this made me take a look at my situation at different angle. Because I myself was that kid, my father remarried to a woman that didn't want kids, but he made her accept me in their house, even though she was ok, i always felt that deep down she really hates me even though she genuinely tried not to.

So no, it's divorce for sure. If he is a good father he will never abandon his child and you never accept him too, so don't drag this and end it quickly, that would be the best course of action for the both of you.

OP responded:

I'm sorry that happened to you, and this is a big reason why I don't think I can just "ignore" the child.

ThrowRA071312 wrote:

I hate to say this but this isn’t a comparable situation. He wants the kid. You don’t. Why are you dragging this out? Go ahead and make it a clean break so you both can move on. I’m sorry that it’s come to this but as you said, it’s nobody’s fault. It’s just one of those curveballs that life throws at us. My condolences on the situation you’re in. Best wishes with whatever you decide to do.

OP responded:

Logically speaking, I know you're right. I guess I'm just trying to rack my brain to see if there's anything. Anything at all where me, him, and the kid are all happy.

OP on how the child’s mother found her husband:

She claims she never could find him. They didn't exchange numbers or last names. She only found him by chance thanks to Instagram.

Far_Prior1058 wrote:

I can’t see a solution for this. You probably need to end it before you both become too bitter about. End on note that allows you both to remain friends. Good luck