A friend (31F, Cici) reached out and asked if I (31F) would be a bridesmaid at her wedding. I was honored. We had lost touch over time but she had been a close friend of mine through school.
She sent me a link to a few of the bridesmaid dresses. She was asking the (four) bridesmaids to wear the same color but left the design up to us. I picked one similar to the ones she sent.
Two months ago she had an engagement party and asked the bridesmaids to bring their dresses for a try on. She immediately didn’t like my dress. I felt terrible because I thought it was just a slightly different design from the ones she suggested. I told her that I would return it and get another one. She agreed to link me one.
A few weeks ago she had another get together prior to the wedding and asked if I could bring the dress so she could see it. When I tried the dress on she again seemed unhappy. I didn’t know what to do - she had picked it out. I asked her if she wanted to see it with some shoes or jewelry or even a simple shawl. She said she didn’t know and that the issue wasn’t the dress but “How I wore it.”
A few hours later Cici had had a few drinks and pulled me aside. She was really vulnerable and said she felt insecure and didn’t like how she looked in her wedding gown. She said that I looked good in both dresses but she was struggling because when we were in school, she had always been the “pretty friend.” But she also said she knew it was a mean way to feel, but she couldn’t help it.
To be clear, I’m perfectly average at best.
I told her she was beautiful and that she could pick out any dress for me, even a turtle neck if she wanted, and I would happily wear it.
She appreciated that and said she would send something. We hugged and I left feeling pretty good about it all. The next day, she sent me a link to a chest binder. I knew what they were but had never worn one. She asked if I would wear it and that it would make her feel less insecure.
I have worn my fair share of shapewear, so figured it would be fine. I WAS WRONG! After squeezing my DDs into it, I was in tears. My boobs hurt! I’m 3 months pregnant and my boobs hurt all the time anyway, but this was unbearable! I sent her a message telling her I couldn’t wear the binder but was willing to get any last dress for the wedding. No response.
A few days passed and I texted her telling her that she needed to either approve one of the other dresses (sans binder) or I just won’t attend the wedding. That was two weeks ago and she still hasn’t responded to me.
My husband is encouraging me to just not go at all. I think he is right, but I am a bridesmaid! I feel like I could be ruining her whole wedding if I just don’t show up. But, if I show in a dress she doesn’t like – that could also ruin the day for her. Her wedding is next Saturday. Would I be the AH if I go in the second dress? Or more of an AH to skip it all together?
NoSalamander7749 wrote:
YOU'RE PREGNANT AND SHE WANTS YOU TO WEAR A CHEST BINDER? This is how I know she's never worn one, let alone for hours at a time. I'm a trans guy. They are not f--king comfortable and can do a lot of damage to you if overworn, if they're too small, etc etc. They are NOT regular shapewear and need to be worn carefully.
In any case...your response to her was correct. I agree with your husband - now that she's seen fit to ghost you for not physically hurting yourself for her wedding day, I think you are officially off the bridesmaid hook. To be very blunt, if she wanted you there, she would've responded to you already. And NTA.
OP responded:
Anyone who can wear one of those for any amount of time are absolute CHAMPS in my book. I was beat in about two minutes.
squeaky-to-be wrote:
Honestly I was shocked that you even agreed to buy it and try it on, you were an incredibly good sport through all of this but she's being insanely unreasonable.
OP responded:
Don't give me too much credit, It was more naivety than anything else. I've squeezed into some tight shapewear in my life, and really assumed it wouldn't be much worse than that. Boy did I learn my lesson.
SneakySneakySquirrel wrote:
Can I ask how much the binder she linked you to cost?
The advice to trans guys is always not to cheap out because improperly made binders are dangerous. And I’m kind of doubting that your friend bothered researching safe and effective binders.
OP responded:
I was only $30. It's one of those ones that have the metal clasps up both sides. I think she picked it because it somewhat works with the dress's neckline (the dress is a dark red).
SoMuchMoreEagle wrote:
NTA for whatever you decide to do. Her insecurities aren't your problem. You've tried to accommodate her, but a chest binder is beyond excessive.
"A few days passed and I texted her telling her that she needed to either approve one of the other dresses (sans binder) or I just won’t attend the wedding."
That was very reasonable. Maybe follow up telling her that you won't be coming since she didn't respond. You're taking that as a signal that you're not wanted.
She needs some therapy to deal with her insecurities.
OP responded:
Thank you. I think the reason I feel so bad is because I'm afraid the reason she isn't responding is because maybe she feels embarrassed about the whole thing. I don't want her to feel that way. She was really kind when we talked at her house and I really thought it was all sorted out.
Sylvanwhisper wrote:
Was she kind? She said she was the pretty friend. And then asked you to use shapewear to alter the shape of your natural body.
OP responded:
You're right, maybe kind isn't the right word. But really vulnerable... and a little drunk. She said she knew that even thinking that was really mean and that she didn't want to feel that way, but she did. She also said some really self-derogatory things about her body that made me feel bad for her. Especially because she is a really pretty person and had always seemed really confident when we were younger.
Update: Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. Prior to posting this I was really considering just slinking off into the night. But you are all right, if she won't respond, the least I should do for myself is make sure my side of the story is the first one told.
I am going to do what many of you have suggested and reach out to the Maid of Honor and the other bridesmaid that is our mutual friend. I'm going to ask if they can get in touch with her and tell them I am not going.
I'll include screenshots of our last several messages and explain the situation as best I can. I live in another state (about two hours away) so I don't see most of them anymore anyway. I will offer to give her one of the dresses I bought so she can give it to another bridesmaid and keep the grooms/bridal sides even.
We'll call it her wedding gift. The second one - the one she picked - it has this weird crumpling texture on the one side that made me look lopsided anyway. But I'll keep the first one...it is kind of cute. We hadn't spoke in over a decade before this, so its not a hard cord to cut. It kinda sucks to have tainted a friendship that, at least at the time, did something positive in my life. Thank you all again.
Quiet_Moon2191 wrote:
“We had lost touch over time but had been a close friend of mine through school”.
She asked you to be her bridesmaid, not because of friendship, because she wanted someone beside her who would make her look better. Then she saw your boobs. Stay home and have a wonderful time with your husband.
mildfeelingofdismay wrote:
NTA. Only a maniac asks a woman to wear a chest binder and crush her breasts because they are so paranoid of even a drop of attention falling on another woman. She's going to be the bride!! She is automatically the centre of attention! It's not like you were planning to attend in a string bikini and flaunt yourself all over the shop.
Oceanbloomm wrote:
It’s incredibly selfish of Cici to put her insecurities onto you, especially with such an unreasonable and physically uncomfortable request. It’s her wedding, sure, but you’re a person with your own boundaries and needs, including being comfortable and not in pain.
The fact that she’s ghosting you instead of communicating like an adult is also a huge red flag. You’ve tried to be accommodating, offering solutions, and she’s just being difficult. You wouldn’t be the AH at all to prioritize your own well-being and skip the wedding. It’s her loss.
IKfactor wrote:
NTA. This woman is not your friend and she's frankly, gross to basically say she thought you were way uglier and needs you to look worse. Friends would be happy that their friends look great in the outfit. What kind of catty s--t is this whole she thought she was the pretty one?
It's basically saying she thought all her friends were dogs and is upset you didn't stay the dowdy person she has in her head? Just don't go and stop chasing and apologizing to this person. Anyone who needs you to be less to be in your life isn't someone you need to keep.