'AITA if I don't tell my wife that her best friend tried to kiss me?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA if I don't tell my wife that her best friend tried to kiss me?"

I have been married to my wife for two years, she and her best friend has been friends for more than 15 years, way before I met my wife or her and tbh I never saw or noticed ever that my wife's friend has something something for me.

Her friend and I have been alone quite often and not once did she try to 'make a move', it has always been platonic. Her friend I will call her L, for obvious reasons, L and I have been close, not that close but close enough to consider each other as friends, and I didn't have a problem with it, neither did my wife.

L visits us almost every week or twice a month give or take, my wife doesn't drink but I do and L does, so whenever she visits us we both drink and spend time together, sometimes she brings her boyfriends sometimes she comes alone.

But two days ago L showed up at our home drunk. She was so dr-nk she couldn't even walk properly I still am surprised how she drove herself to our place, I asked her to come inside and she was crying, crying so damm much I thought something bad happened to her.

I tried to comfort her but she just hugged me and kept saying that she wished she could find a man like me and all of her boyfriends dumped her and kept talking gibberish, I just stood still and let her vent.

But suddenly she started kissing me and I was shocked for a moment but I shook her off of me and asked her what that was about, she said she was sorry and I asked her to stay away, she kept crying and apologizing but I asked her to stay away.

After alot of talking and her venting, I knew I can't let her drive so I dropped her off and when my wife got back she asked me why's L's car here, I told her everything except kissing part

Since then L has been texting me alot and giving me alot of explanation and begging me to not to tell my wife and she will not repeat the same mistake and she genuinely thinks it was a mistake or so I think, she keeps saying that if I do tell my wife she will lose her best friend, I haven't replied to her yet and I didn't tell my wife either.

But I am kinda scared right now. On one hand I don't want my wife to lose her best if she really has made a genuine dr-nken mistake, cause she was really f--king dr-nk but on the other hand I shouldn't be hiding stuff from my wife and if it ever comes out my wife will probably stop trusting me.

I am kinda stuck here, I know she will be hurt but should I hurt her? It's no affair or sleeping if she was under the influence and if we can bury it all up and move and and me and L stay away from each other going forward.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Adventurous-travel1 wrote:

Your wife should know and make her own choices. She’s an adult and doesn’t need you to decide for her.

Her friend also needs to stop coming over so much and get her own life.

Sebscreen wrote:

YTA. You are not "making your wife lose her best friend." You are simply giving your wife the necessary information she needs to make a choice she is entitled to make. Your wife is perfectly capable to weigh all the excuses you are making up for her friend (she was dr-nk, she apologised, she was lonely) herself and can choose to forgive her friend if she wants.

She doesn't need you to take that choice away from her.

Also, save a copy of all her friend's messages right now so she can't spin it as you instigating the kiss.

nylonvest wrote:

"I told her everything except kissing part."

Really? Because if you told your wife that L showed up at your home extremely dr-nk, crying over her dating life, and that she made a pass at you and you rejected her - I think you've actually covered the important stuff.

If you mean that you told your wife that L came over drunk and you drove her home and that's it, then you really didn't tell her "everything except the kissing part." You didn't do anything wrong that night but L betrayed your wife as a friend, and she should know. You have no reason to protect L and every reason to side with your wife.

lostneedleworker85 wrote:

YTA.

You should have told your wife everything.

OP responded:

Yes I agree and I still want to, I feel bad, it's like I am cheating or something that's the way I have been feeling, but I was thinking if Lynn has genuinely made a mistake then I shouldn't break her and my wife's friendship as long as we stay away from each other going forward.

I know my wife wouldn't take it well, she would be devestated if she found out, she trust both of us and I want to spare her the suffering if I can which is why I withheld, this is so confusing tbh i shouldn't have let Lynn inside, just dropped her off to her place and called it a day

[deleted] wrote:

NTA, but you have got to tell your wife. Otherwise you won't ever be safe again alone in a room with Lynn. If you let this slide, she will only get bolder. Whether your wife doubts your story or accepts it, everything is better than living the rest of your life in fear of being ass-ulted again and then be seen as the wrongdoer.

OP responded:

I will never ever share a room alone with Lynn, I will keep my distance from her and minimal contact, but the only thing I am concerned about right now is how my wife will react.

Five days later, OP shared an update.

I decided to tell my wife everything, I thought about it alot and decided that I should tell her everything instead of hiding it.

TL;DR: my wife's best friend showed up at my place, she was very drunk, I helped her but she was so dr-nk she kissed me but she couldn't even walk properly so I dropped her off, I told my wife everything except that her friend kissed me. So after a lot of thinking and finding a way to get past all this, I decided to tell my wife.

When I told my wife everything, she was pissed, angry like never before, she asked me why did I hide it from her why I didn't tell her I said I was scared, I hoped that I could hide it all and I didn't want you to lose your lifelong friend over a mistake but then I realised that if I continue to hide the truth from you I might end up losing you and I don't want to lose you.

My wife asked me if I ever cheated on her, I said I never cheated and never will, she started crying and said how can I betray her when she trusted me so much, I hugged her and said I never betrayed her and will never betray her, I am coming clean cause I don't want to lose you, I was as shocked as you are right now when she kissed me.

My wife after she stopped crying said that I am not allowed to talk to any of her friends and I am to stay away from other women except our family members, my wife also asked me to block L, when I asked her what she will do, she said it's between her and L and I don't have to worry about it.

She demanded open phone policy and complete transparency from me, I agreed, she said if I ever try to hide anything from her no matter what it is she will leave me, I agreed cause I don't ever want to hide anything from her.

I don't know what happened and what both of them talked about and my wife wouldn't tell me either, all she says is 'none of my business', she's still super pissed at me and I try my best to make her happy and ended up doing embarassing private stuff for her which I never was and still uncomfortable to do so but atleast my wife is happy.

I do not know what else I could have done but I tried my best and gave it all, I came clean, told her everything, did everything she asked from me and tried my best to please her, she's still angry but at least she is with me and isn't leaving me unless I make another stupid a-- mistake.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Glittering_Wafer7623 wrote:

You're scared to tell her things. She tells you what you're allowed to do. "Embarassing private stuff," whatever that means.

You haven't done anything wrong except failing to set the appropriate tone for your relationship.

Equivalent-Bee6501 wrote:

Open phone policy: fine. Its shows you are willing to be transparent after you hid this for days. Prohibiting you to talk to her friends because her friend kissed you: she is punishing you for something her friend did. Don't let het gaslight you into accepting the blame about something you never did.

WinterFront1431 wrote:

She's treating you like you cheated?

I would ask her what was said and tell her she is to NO longer have contact with L. If she wants to throw around orders and act like you done her dirty, then she is to no longer have L in her life

RetirebeforeDeath wrote:

It seems to me that if she's demanding an open phone policy from you because of this friend's actions, then the conversation very much is your business.

TallSimple2929 wrote:

I hate to say this, but your wife is most likely cheating on you. Every part of her reaction is indicative of cheating. I mean, it reads like a psych textbook. If I were you, I would bring up the open phone policy (an insane overreaction to someone else kissing you).

Tell her that in the interest of both of you being honest and open with each other, you should both be subject to it. If she says anything other than "Yes, that's fair," then she is 100% messing with someone else.

A week later, OP shared another update.

This whole situation has drained me emotionally mentally and even physically, I posted before and many people insulted me called me simp, weak, s-x slave etc.

But after reading a lot of comments, similar posts, I thought why is my wife punishing me like what did I do wrong? Yes, I kept it hidden from my wife for a while because I was unsure if I should tell her or not, I didn't really want to break my wife's friendship with her best friend also I didn't really think about it as I was sa'ed.

Many people said that my wife cheating or trying to make me obident and stuff like that. But after thinking about it alot and reading all the comments how other women defended me and tried to help me, I decided to talk to my wife's BFF, like if random women and men are concerned about me then why is my wife punishing me.

Yesterday I went to my wife's BFF and asked her to tell me the truth, she said I should talk to my wife since we aren't allowed to talk to each other. I asked her who is stopping us from talking to each other, she said that my wife told her that it was my idea, I was the one who didn't want to talk to her or any of my wife's friends and that's what my wife told them all.

I told her that isn't true at all, my wife was the one who asked me to stay away from you and her friends and other women unless they are family. We kept arguing but I asked her if my wife has ever cheated on me, she said 'not that she knows of' I asked her then why did she kiss me and try to get with me.

She said that my wife has always been insecure and bragging about me, she doesn't want any woman near me and she wants me all to herself and she said my wife is jealous. She said 'she wanted to try to be with me cause she fell in love with me instead of my controlling wife cause she doesn't deserve me.'

I said if you really loved me you would have told me the truth instead you let me believe that I was in the wrong and I tried to do everything for my wife, you all are crazy and I left. I told my wife everything and in her defense she said she did all this for my sake and just wanted me all to herself and I would be foolish to leave her instead I should be glad that I have a woman like her as my wife.

I said in normal circumstances I would agree but I think you just want to control me, I loved you and thought of you as my everything and did everything for you but you and your bestfriend is crazy and I don't want any of you in my life. Since then my wife is calling and texting me relentlessl.

I just sent her a text stating that I am divorcing and hiring a lawyer it's one thing to be dedicated to your spouse but being controlled by them is not good. So yeah I am leaving her and her friends and all this crazy, don't really want to leave my wife but I must, it's not as dramatic as she cheated on me or both of them planned but she's definitely trying to dominate me.

If it was in bed I wouldn't mind but I don't want to live rest of my life with someone who controls me. If other men and women are reading this, please don't blindly trust your partner and always be vigilant.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

cuzinho_6666 wrote:

Well, looks like your wife wanted a puppet, not a partner. Glad you're getting out of that controlling mess.

OP responded:

Didn't really wanted to think about it but yeah, I think that might be the truth.

joesmolik wrote:

It’s a good thing to get away from all the crazy and I do understand where you’re coming from but I would recommend that you can do marriage, counseling and therapy individually in together to avoid any of her friends, but I do not blame you if you do not want to continue in this relationship in the insanity that goes along with it.

Shadowagent001 wrote:

Proud of you OP. What happened to you was SA followed by mental and emotional abuse. If what you did against your will was physical then that is physical abuse and perhaps additional SA (not asking you to elaborate).

No one deserves this treatment and anyone who insults and criticizes you for speaking up against a woman for abuse you suffered because of them you should ignore and block. Be sure to mute her, not block, because all messages she sends you can be used as evidence in your divorce case. I hope you can walk away from her and give her nothing.