'AITA for dumping my new GF because she was FWB with the guy my ex cheated on me with?' UPDATED 2X
"WIBTAH for breaking up with my new gf because she was fwb with the guy my ex cheated on me with?"
My ex cheated on me with this guy, I'm gonna call him Mike. It was a whole affair between the two of them as it went on for months. Eventually, I caught them in our apartment. My gf confessed to everything. So I broke up with her. FYI, Mike was fully aware my gf was with me, so it's not like he's innocent in all this
This was like two years ago. I met my new gf, let's call her Kelly. Kelly has been great, and we have been together for about 6 months. Now, Kelly took me to a company party her work hosted. And she introduced me to her co workers. And one of them was Mike. It was awkward, I think for both of us, but neither of us said anything.
When we get back to her place I asked her about her history with Mike. She was weirded out, but she did confess that her and Mike were fwb for a while. BTW, she did know about how my last relationship ended, but I never told her who the guy was.
I told her that Mike was the dude that my ex gf slept with, and my GF was shocked. She told me that her and Mike are nothing now and that she would never do that to me. Idk, I want to trust my new gf, but the fact that she already slept with him several times AND they work together. I just don't know.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
mean_green_queen wrote:
You can break up with her, but she hasn’t done anything wrong. You’ll just have to be at peace knowing that. NAH except Mike and your ex.
OP responded:
"You’ll just have to be at peace knowing that"
I just don't know if I can "be at peace"
Farthekiller wrote:
Looks like you've found yourself an arch-nemesis. Looking forward to the movie adaptation!
Petosaurus wrote:
I don't think that, given the situation, you would be the AH for not wanting to be with this girl. I mean, if I were in your shoes I don't think I could do it either. What matters is that you realize your current gf has no blame in this. It's just an unfortunate circumstance.
mahfrogs wrote:
If your social circle is such a small pond that this happens, you might want to consider moving.
Vagina-boobs wrote:
I would just tell her outright that you cannot look past that and move on. You want nothing to do with him ans not only do they have history, but you work daily with him ans that is just not going to be apart of your life.
A few days later, OP shared an update.
I had a deep talk with my gf. I laid it all out. How I trusted my ex, how I never thought she would do something like that. And how my entire heart shattered when caught them f--king. How hard I held back tears as my ex tried to make excuses. How much issues that caused me. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but Mike isn't "just a guy I don't like" and he's not "just some guy from Kelly's past."
He's a huge part of one of the worst moments in my life. And now I have to accept that my current gf slept with him and sees him everyday? Anyways, Kelly was very understanding, and said she's willing to do anything to make me more comfortable.
I asked why they stopped being fwb, and she said she wanted a real relationship, and they stopped well before we met. And that she hasn't thought about him that way anymore, especially after she met me. She also said she had no idea Mike was that kind of guy, and she said she'd never would have done anything if she knew. I decided to give this a chance. I hope to god this ain't a mistake.
Kelly has been amazing to me, and yeah, logically, I don't have a reason not to trust her.
But a lot of the feelings of betrayal, anger, and self loathing all came back when I heard the Kelly slept with Mike.
After our talk, we made a small joke, she said "Guess, you won't come to any other company parties huh?" I told her I wasn't gonna let Mike keep me from living and having fun with her at those parties, I did ask her if she would support me if something ever came up with Mike though.
She said "I'll tell everyone what a small d-ck he has if he starts s--t with you"
We hugged it out. Idk, I hope things turn out OK. Maybe I'm being naive, but I don't want to let my past keep me from enjoying my present.
The internet was invested in the update.
Automatic_Grass_9837 wrote:
I don’t think you’re being naive. Our brain plays all these tricks on us, really to protect us from past trauma. But dude, Kelly sounds like a really genuine person. The fact that she was willing to do anything to make you more comfortable even though she did nothing wrong, sounds like good partnership.
I know it’s hard not to let our pasts impacts our future but we cannot let our trauma and the things that have hurt us win. Good luck and remember that even if things don’t work out, it’s not because you didn’t try but bc it just wasn’t meant to be and that’s life. It’s worth a try though.
putterbum wrote:
Kelly sounds nice but idk how you being eskimo bros again with your arch-nemesis isn't going to eat you alive forever. Best of luck to you two.
BYXXII wrote:
Glad you're satisfied with the outcome. One thing I would have wanted to discuss is that: taking away your history with Mike, why did she have you go to a work event where she knew a former FWB was going to be there, without giving you a heads up? And if I remember/read it right, she introduced you to him? Maybe it's a me thing, but I'd have some feeling about that outside lf scumbag Mike.
Broad-Cranberry-9050 wrote:
Honestly I don't blame you if you did break up with her even though she is not at fault at all. But I get that Mike is the guy you f-ked up your last relationship and is probably the worst human being on earth for you so its hard for you to respect him or anybody who has been s-xual with him. There's really no wrong answer here.
If I can ask, do you live in a small town? I know its likely a weird coincidence but I know sometimes in small towns its normal to run into former hookups and people you date likely hooked up with people you used to know.
A month later, OP shared another update.
We are still together, I've had knots in my stomach every now and then, but some good and bad things happened. The bad thing is that Mike texted my gf, and did harass her a few times. He was talking shit about me, and tried to start things up again between them. The good thing is that Mike got fired because of this.
While I feel horrible that my gf went through this harassment, there's a certain peace of mind that I have knowing she doesn't work with him anymore. She's already blocked him on all socials, and she did collect evidence of Mike harassing her. He was stupid enough to try something at work where a couple other co workers saw and overheard.
Thankfully, my gf is perfect fine and safe. Mike did get into her personal space, which did piss me off, but my gf handled it.
So yeah...while I still trusted my gf regardless of what Mike tried, I still felt like a weight got off me.
The comments kept coming in.
Odd_Welcome7940 wrote:
Trusting a good woman helped you gain a small bit of karma. Not that it makes everything okay, but that has to be a sign bro.
Whether she is the one or not, she is a good one. You are lucky to have her.
Christemo wrote:
Sounds like you found yourself a keeper, my man. If Mike ever gets on you or her's case, do NOT hesitate to trespass him or filing a restraining order immediately. Him going after women in relationships sounds rather concerning.
becauseofblue wrote:
Damn, I'm sorry that your girlfriend had to go through that. And I'm sorry you had to go through what you did. But who says it doesn't pay off to be a good person? You trusted your new girlfriend she showed the utmost respect and was great. Now some s--theal lost his job and you feel better than you probably have in a long time.
jo-joke wrote:
What. An. Update! So glad for the end to the Mike saga. I can imagine that there’s gonna be more knots, gonna be more insecurity no doubt. That’ll be on you to handle either way a separate therapist for sure, but I’m glad that the guy is gone because he was too big of an AH to not be civil.