'AITA for telling my fiancé going for a late night walk with his coworker was not ok?' FINAL UPDATE
"AITA for telling my fiancé going for a late night walk with his coworker was not ok?"
My fiancé and I have been partners for 3 years and are getting married in June. He works from home two/three days a week and goes in on the remaining days. He isn't close with any of his coworkers since I've heard him often complain about how most of his coworkers are much older, except with this girl who I think joined a few months back.
I've heard him say her name a few times mostly harmless stuff I guess about how she recommended a show to him or had him try out her lunch, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's still a little annoying how much he values her input because its a bit out of character.
She's also the only coworker that I've heard him talk about random stuff with on his work calls. I'm not saying any of this is wrong but I just want to be honest about the stuff that's been on my mind because its possible I might be in the wrong here.
He's been gone for a work trip to another branch with some other colleagues of his, including her. Last night, I texted him if he was done with dinner and was good to talk, he said he was just taking a stroll with her.
I froze for like a good couple of seconds, asked who else is there, he said no one they just decided to take a walk and check the area around their hotel out. I was not ok with this, told him this was crazy disrespectful and called him.
He declined my call, and texted back saying there's nowhere for him to talk to me in private at the moment, that he'll call me back. I called again, he answered. I told him this was not ok at all, what was he doing taking a walk so late with her. He just responded breezily because I guess she was close, and just said I'll call you back when I get back to the hotel.
15 minutes later he called me and I kind of went off on him, I said he had no business being out this late alone with a woman as someone who's about to be my husband in less than 3 months.
He said he was just bored, she was the only person he was cool with and they just went for a walk, that my implication was hurtful to him. I calmed down, said I was sorry but I was just not ok with it, so I'd appreciate it if he didn't do anything alone with her for my comfort.
He said fine and then said he was planning on going for a post-work lunch with her at one of the places they saw on their walk. I again asked him who else, and he said just the two of them.
I asked him to please invite someone else too, he said they don't vibe with anyone else, we had a bit of a tense back and forth, and he relented saying he'd invite someone else too, but it would ruin it and the fact I couldn't trust him was so disappointing.
I tried to explain that it wasn't about trust, just my peace of mind, but I did a bad job of explaining that. Today, he responded to my good morning messages very curtly. I know he's angry with me. Was I the AH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
Usually colleagues catch a meal together when working away wouldn’t raise any concerns for me, however the late night stroll just the two of them was weird especially since they then used it to setup a dinner date for the following day.
Yeah, no kidding. If my husband was away on business, and he is a lot, and went on a late night stroll with another woman, I would be gone. And I’ve been married 45 years. Nope, you don’t do these things with anyone but your partner. You know, everyone on this work trip will think they are hooking up, even if they’re not. NTA.
NTA. It’s not about trust, it’s about boundaries. Late-night walks and solo lunches with a coworker can blur lines, especially when he clearly values her input. You’re setting reasonable expectations for your relationship, not being controlling. His defensiveness is a red flag, he should respect your feelings, not dismiss them.
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
I had posted earlier in the day about me getting angry with my fiancé for his 1-1 plans with his coworker. The replies made me realize I was in the wrong, so I called him and apologized for overreacting last night.
He told me it was all good. I asked if he'd already asked another coworker to join them for lunch, he hadn't yet, so I told him I was ok with them making plans after work and he thanked me for it.
Full disclosure, my ex was a control freak when it came to me, wanting me to put the phone on speaker whenever I'd be talking to my friends or family, wanting updates every half hour, and I hated him so much at the end of it, and promised myself I'd never be a controlling partner like that but it's possible I picked up some wrong norms from that period.
My fiancé's coworker also put up some photos on instagram of their lunch together and their trip to a lake after, and I realize they're just coworkers who have similar interests.
When I posted initially it was just that in my mind he'd act out of character when it came to her, acting on show recs when he normally doesn't, replying to her texts fairly quickly when he normally takes a while, and I just thought that wasn't ok.
But I also fully understand that my idea of right and wrong is a bit skewed due to my past, and I'm glad I was made to realize it before I went further down the road and became the kind of partner my ex was to me. Thanks.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Just because you may have overreacted to a walk doesn’t mean the situation is kosher. It just means you need to have a calm conversation with your fiance about what makes you uncomfortable and why.
If he knew you were uncomfortable with lunch and grudgingly said it was fine, why would he push it by also going to the lake after? I’m married and that would bother me if my husband did that after I expressed I was uncomfortable with the relationship.
Yeah, lunch and then going to the lake afterwards definitely sounds like a date activity and not something I would be ok with my husband doing with a female coworker that I don’t know.
I personally believe that he is playing you when it comes to her. She's posting pictures of them on their lunch together and going to the lake. No wonder he didn't want anyone having lunch with them.
Why would she post pictures of them together at lunch and at a lake if they are just co-workers? She, IMO, just threw it in your face. What were her comments when she posted them? Good luck to you.
Yeah. Why did they convince her to apologize? Like....who goes on late night strolls with Co workers and goes on about them And then goes to a lake and posts pictures??? I feel so bad for this woman because her abusive ex has messed with her self confidence so much she second guessed her self and APOLOGISED.
Yeah this isn’t over.
The next day OP came back with this "last update":
In my first post, I had only read the first few comments which said I was insecure, and it just triggered me because that's the last thing I ever want to come across as, so I had stopped reading after, and apologized to my fiance.
But most people in the end encouraged me to talk to my fiance since despite my effort to be cool about it, it did bother me. My manner of speaking had been wrong the first time, it was over-the-top, so when he returned from his trip last night, I had decided to talk to him about it calmly.
I apologized for my tone the first time, and told him I was glad he had someone at work that he could be friendly with, and I'm glad he had a good lunch with her too (he told me it was fancy since they spent the company's allowance). But I just wanted to be honest with him, since I'd want him to be too, that it made me feel weird, like a bad stomach ache.
That it seemed like she was becoming more important to him than a friendly coworker should be. He said he sees her only three times a week for work, so how could she become important. He said that do I want him to not talk to any of his female friends?
And I said no, I've never had a problem with either of his two close female friends, that I've met them and he knows I enjoy their company too, and would never ask him to limit time with them and he knows that. He said so if I can trust him with them, do I not trust him with someone who's just a coworker.
This time I explained clearly that it's not about trust, I trust him completely, it's about comfort, it was making me uncomfortable and I recognize this is a "me" issue but I want him to help me out here while I come to terms with it.
He said he'd do that for me even though this would mean that we were punishing his coworker for our problems, since she also isn't cool with anyone else at work, but for our sake he would.
He promised to decrease non-work related contact with her, and reduce the frequency of their lunches or ask someone else to tag along until I was cool with this, however long that may take. I was grateful and thanked him, and we've put this behind us. I'm glad we were able to deal with this and I think we're stronger for it. Thanks.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
The more updates OOP posts the worse I feel for her. Dude is showing red flag after red flag but thanks to trauma from her last relationship, and Reddit piling onto her along with him to gaslight her, she’s not likely to see the light until he gives her an STI
“i OnLy sEe HeR tHrEe TiMeS a wEeK, HoW cOuLd ShE bEcOmE ToO iMpOrTanT To mE???” Spare me
I notice he didn’t suggest the three of you having dinner together so OP can get to know work wife and become comfortable the way she is with his other friends.
Sounds like she's very important if her feelings are more important than your comfort. I'm sorry but it's weird.
Go with them, tell him if she doesn't have many friends she wouldn't mind one more and go with them on walks because that's weird as s&^%
I thought about what you said. I'd like to meet her to check out their behavior and also just so she's met me and can see us a couple. I just think if we're together in front of her that would calm my nerves.
But I've just asked him to limit contact, he agreed, and I don't want to normalize meetings with her, at least until I'm ok with all this. I think meeting her together and then asking my fiance to not hang out would send mixed signals.
It’s crazy how people here, and your s^%$#y boyfriend gaslight you into apologizing. Follow your gut!!!!!! If something feels fishy, it probably is. You know him better than any of us, so FOLLOW YOUR GUT!!
My gut feeling was never that he's cheating or anything like that it's just a feeling that she has become too important too quickly for my liking and that's what I calmly voiced and he's going to take the steps we discussed.
keep reading what everyone is saying. he's playing games, sorry to add.
I'm reading it a few comments at a time, because honestly the comments are giving me a bit of anxiety. I thought I'd done well in my conversation with him, and this is not what I expected.