'AITA for embarrassing my aunt at a baby shower instead of declining an invitation?'
"AITA for embarrassing my aunt at a baby shower instead of showing tact and declining an invitation request more respectfully?"
My mom and “Jenny” have been best friends since they were little, we aren’t actually related but I still call her “Aunt Jenny.” Jenny’s daughter “Ellie” is also 16 and Jenny is sadly the kind of mom who thinks Ellie is never wrong.
Here were some examples from over the years:
Ellie stole a hair ribbon from another girl? The other girl was lying because she was jealous of Ellie.
The teacher gave Ellie an F because she didn’t do the work? The teacher is also jealous of Ellie. (Also yea I know there are bad teachers out there and have had a few myself. But every single one and all the time? Really?) Ellie’s sister “Annie” hasn’t talked to Ellie since moving out? Nothing happened and Jenny has no idea why Annie is refusing contact.
(Jenny is so in denial about this one especially. Something obviously happened that Jenny doesn’t want to admit to.) Mom notices this too, but she usually just changes the subject away from Ellie but never says anything about it directly to Jenny because she doesn’t want it to hurt the friendship. Jenny usually does take the hint and changes the subject.
Mom took me to a baby shower where Jenny happened to be, so they obviously talked and my mom mentioned that me and my friends have a camping trip planned soon. Jenny was openly hinting that I she wanted me to invite Ellie too. Mom picked up on it and basically tried inviting Ellie along. So before she finished her sentence I loudly said “Oh Hell no!”
Jenny clearly wasn’t happy, and Mom told me that my trip was cancelled. By the time we got home, she luckily changed her mind about canceling the trip but was still pissed at me. I said that her and Jenny have been friends forever, but I didn’t choose to be Ellie’s friend, and didn’t want her coming along.
Mom said she knows I don’t have a great opinion of Ellie and that she knows Ellie has plenty of issues, but I should have declined respectfully instead of embarrassing Jenny and was capable of saying something like “Sorry, I would prefer nobody else come since we don’t have room or supplies for another person/my friends aren’t comfortable with someone they know well coming along.”
I realize I could have been more respectful, but I was also trying to put a stop to that immediately. Also, we got some looks, just because I admit I was pretty loud, but everyone outside of Jenny and Mom seemed to move on almost immediately. So I think she’s turning the “embarrassment” into a bigger deal than it actually was. AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
TheGoldenDragonHylan wrote:
NTA. A lot are going with YTA, but I'll say something about the "hint hint, nudge nudge" crowd, especially when they're in denial; they ignore soft nos. Could you have been more polite, at least for the first one? Sure, but would it have worked? And, as this wasn't just your trip, you had a responsibility to hold the group's boundaries.
OP responded:
"Soft no's" is the perfect word for it. If you try to indirectly say no with Ellie, she "finds a solution." So for example, if I said we didn't have enough space or supplies for another person, 90% of the time Jenny would say something like, "Oh, I can pay for the extra/carpool!"
Maybe it was immature like the YTA comments are saying, so I get that. But it also was a guaranteed way to put a stop to it.
AGirlHasNoGame_ wrote:
NTA.
Yea, it's easy to say you could've been more tactful in hindsight.
But you're 16, I can't expect you to always remember to be mindful and tactful, especially in situations like this when you're being pressured. I can easily imagine a 16 yr old overreacting and not being aware of their surroundings.
Your mother is the one who turned this into an awkward situation. You were ignoring Jenny's hints rather well until your mom butted into the situation and escalated it. Not only did she not even give you time to come up with a proper excuse, she also added more pressure on you to invite her.
In hindsight she can say " oh you could've come up with an excuse," but how would you have known at the time she would've let it go and accepted the excuse since despite knowing how you feel about Ellie she decided to try and invite her on the trip as well.
Your mother has previously been completely capable of turning the conversation away from Ellie in the past, so why didn't she use this skill to support her daughter?
She added the pressure and made the stakes higher, your overreaction is probably the only thing that stopped them from pushing more, bc it feels like even had you come up with an polite excuse, they would've still pushed the issue, but your "Oh hell No," made it awkward and impossible for them to keep it going.
OP responded:
Like I said, Mom usually changes the subject when it comes to Ellie, because she doesn't want to say anything negative about Ellie or could hurt the friendship. But sometimes she will agree to things with Ellie to "keep the peace" with Jenny. It's never involved me and my social group like this before though.
AffectionateCable793 wrote:
NTA but it should really be Justified AH. While yes, it could have been handled more tactfully, something tells me that "Aunt Jenny" is the kind of person who pushes people to accept Ellie. She would have said stuff like Ellie is just 1 person. It won't be too hard to accommodate 1 more. Or that Ellie just wants to bond or some crap like that. Sometimes an emphatic no is needed to nip that in the bud.
OP responded:
Yea, the big problem with Jenny is that she never takes the hint when it comes to "soft no's" with Ellie. 90% of the time she comes up a "solution" to the indirect no.
photosbeersandteach wrote:
NTA. Tell your mom if she wants you to respond to others who are being rude with respect, she should hold herself to the same standard and treat you with respect. Inviting a person she knows you strongly dislike to your camping trip was rude and disrespectful.
Firm_Wrongdoer5773 wrote:
NTA. You’re too old for your mom to pick your friends. Ellie’s sister going NC is a big red flag. Was your reaction a little over the top? Sure. But you’re 16. Goes with the territory. Your mom is an adult and was trying to force a play date on you. While tact is a nice skill to have, drawing your boundaries and sticking to them is a more important life skill.