'AITA for embarrassing my BIL for turning my late sister's memorial hike into a brewery meet-up?'

"AITA for embarrassing my brother-in-law for turning my late sister's memorial hike into a brewery meet-up?"

I (30f), lost my sister after a sudden illness three years ago. She was an avid hiker, one of the strongest and most determined people I've ever known, and I (and my family) adored her. Every year on the anniversary of her passing, I organize a hike up her favorite mountain, something we did together many times.

I spend the weeks before planning the route, checking the weather, and making sure everyone has the right gear to do it safely in her honor. A few days before the hike this year I was confirming the details with my brother-in-law "Mark" (34m), and as he already knew the plan, I just wanted to confirm the start time.

For context, this is his late wife we're talking about. He turned to me with a sigh and said 'can't we just do something easier this year.' I hate that attitude and how he always looks for the easy way out, which he knows, but he said it anyway. The concept of someone turning a memorial for a woman who loved a challenge into something CONVENIENT had me seeing red.

I got angry and told him he had to do it, that it wasn't fair to my sister to have the one day for her be about his comfort, and that turning it into a lazy meet-up was a selfish and unkind thing to do. He got very upset at me and said he was just trying to make it more of a 'celebration of life', and that words are more important than 'walking up a stupid hill' etc. He kind of ignored me for a few days before the hike.

On the day, only my parents and I did the actual hike. Mark told everyone else to just meet at the brewery at the base of the mountain at 3pm. We got there after our hike, and it was really obvious he'd just been drinking for hours, super loud and impersonal. I'm sure anyone who knew my sister well clocked it but it was mostly his friends there who had no idea.

I was so angry at his decision to spend no time or energy actually honoring her that when he got up to make a toast I waited until he was done and said 'thanks for making sure we all got a good workout in for her' and then went to the bar to get a water. And what do you know, our stories about the actual hike brought my parents to tears.

But obviously my brother-in-law was upset at the slight and so was my dad, who said I was being arrogant and selfish for saying that in front of everyone and embarrassing Mark. I just can't fathom thinking about someone as incredible as my sister and deciding that you'd rather let a bar be your memorial than spend any energy trying to do something meaningful.

She was a force of nature, she ran marathons, she climbed mountains, she was always supportive of me and Mark and pushed us to be better, and even when she was sick she was sweet and interested in our lives and always happy to see us.

I don't think it's too much to ask that my brother-in-law spends one afternoon doing something difficult for her. But my dad and his friends are really upset at me so I don't know anymore. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Hellasummat wrote:

YTA, and insufferably masochistic about insisting everyone must struggle / suffer in order to legitimately memorialize your sister. Your BIL, and everyone else, have the right to grieve and remember in their own way. You do you and back off everyone else, I seriously doubt sister would approve your bullying.

DissociativeBurrito wrote:

YTA - this tradition was a meaningful and effective way for you to navigate your grief until it became predicated on controlling and judging other people. I can understand why it would be painful to you, because it sounds like a major component of this tradition for you is a feeling of togetherness—where everyone meaningful to your sister (and you?) is remembering her together through the same action.

And it sounds like you take on a large task when you choose to organize this, which is commendable. But the key word for that is “choose.” You are not the only one with the luxury of choice here. I cannot get behind “I hate that attitude” “he looks for the easy way out” I told him he had to do it” “lazy” “selfish” “which he knows but he said it anyways” and everything you describe doing afterwards.

None of that is about your sister; it’s about you. You are dripping with contempt for her husband, and to me that seems far more dishonoring to her memory than him having some beer with friends.

OP, your BIL didn’t ruin it for you, you did. And an effective collective memorial shouldn’t be all about you. You can control how you grieve, you can invite other people to share in it. That’s the extent of your control. Instead of expressing or processing the pain and the discomfort of him not conforming to your expectations, you went to unfiltered anger, punishment, and blame.

Bluntly, I’d expect a higher degree of self-awareness and emotional maturity from a 30 yo, and I feel sorrow for your parents, who had to witness and experience this while mourning the loss of their DAUGHTER, and you bil, who is still grieving the loss of his wife.

I even feel bad for the friends who had to witness your pettiness. I feel bad for you and the loss of your sister. But I feel most bad for her memory, which is clearly very important to you but also obviously not more important than your expectations. I wish you the best and I truly hope you are able to learn and repair so you can preserve a tradition and way of being together that feels right for everyone.

Vegetable_burrito wrote:

YTA. Wow. I love to hike, did a great one this morning. My husband hates hiking. If I died, the last thing I’d want is for my husband to be forced up a mountain with my arrogant AH of a sister while she seethed and judged him the whole time. You made yourself look really bad here. He wants to celebrate his wife and you want to punish him for not liking hiking. Get a grip.

pleasant_link6817 wrote:

YTA you sound absolutely insufferable. You have to let everyone know that you're putting in so much more work to honour what you imagine is your sister's legacy. You are the one imposing.

It's fine if you want to do this hard hike with your parents as your own remembrance of her, but pushing it on everyone else is some absolutely oblivious behaviour. Mark lost the love of his life and deserves to honour her in whatever way he deems fit - not whatever his obnoxious, pushy, and self-centred SIL wants.

blaringlyquiet wrote:

YTA . He lost his wife. The person he was going to spend his whole life with, build a future and a family. He deserves to have a say in how that day is spent. Yes, she was your sister, but my opinion, if my sibling tried to push my husband into doing something that he didn't want to do under these circumstances, I'd be up in heaven - pissed.

I don't know if you're married or not, but once you're married, your spouse is your whole life. So yes, YTA for making it about what you want to do and how you want to spend the day. If he didn't want to participate, you should have had the grace to accept that.