Hi internet, I’m Andrea, 28F. I’m originally from Colombia but have been living in the US for about 10 years. My fiancé, “David” (30M), and I have been together for three years, engaged for six months, and until now, I thought we were on the same page about respecting each other’s backgrounds.
For context, I grew up in a small town in Colombia, and while we didn’t have much money, my parents worked tirelessly to provide for my siblings and me. I’m incredibly proud of where I come from—it shaped me into the strong, resourceful person I am today. Recently, David and I went out to dinner with his friends—a group of mostly professionals in their late 20s/early 30s.
These are people I’ve met a handful of times, and while they’ve always been polite, I’ve sometimes felt out of place because of the subtle comments they make about my accent or my “exotic” background. I usually brush it off, but this dinner was different. During the meal, one of David’s friends was sharing a story about their recent trip to Europe, talking about “authentic experiences” and local food.
Out of nowhere, David chimed in with:
"Well, Andrea doesn’t need to travel for ‘authentic’ experiences—she grew up eating off banana leaves in the jungle, right babe?"The table erupted in laughter. I was stunned.
Not only was his comment wildly inaccurate (and frankly ignorant), but it was also deeply humiliating. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, waiting for my reaction. I calmly smiled and said, “Actually, David, I grew up in a small town—not the jungle—and while we didn’t eat off banana leaves, we did learn how to respect people’s cultures, which you seem to have missed.”
The table went silent. David turned bright red and mumbled something about just “joking,” but the vibe for the rest of the evening was noticeably tense. When we got home, David was furious.
He said I embarrassed him in front of his friends and that I “blew a harmless joke way out of proportion.” I told him that his comment wasn’t harmless—it was condescending and made me feel like I was the butt of a joke in front of people who already saw me as different.
He’s been cold ever since, accusing me of being “too sensitive” and saying I should’ve just laughed it off. I feel like I stood up for myself in a respectful way, but now I’m questioning if I should’ve handled it differently. So, internet, AITA for calling out my fiancé at dinner?
Fascinationstreet wrote:
This is what he actual thinks about you and how he believes his friends will also think about you so he wanted to get ahead of what he believes his friends will say. So now you know.
NTA.
OP responded:
Exactly what I am thinking.
lawterfoxy wrote:
No, you're NTA because you just stood up for yourself. Also, you might want to consider your engagement with David.
OP responded:
It's really putting a lot of things into perspective for me.
Selfdestruct30secs wrote:
Never allow your significant other to say r@cist s-t and laugh it off as a joke. David can go f--k himself.
OP responded:
That's what upset me the most about the joke that he doesn't see how disrespectful it is.
corgihuntress wrote:
So it's okay for him to humiliate you, but not for you to defend yourself? Obviously it wasn't harmless. It was deeply bigoted. And so were all the people who laughed. He's waiting for you to apologize and I suggest you have a conversation about whether your feelings matter, and does he really think of you in the way he described and why he felt that everybody having a laugh at you was okay.
Because he doesn't sound like he cares much about how you were feeling or what position he put you in. Are there other red flags you've been letting go? NTA.
OP responded:
That's what irritates me more than the joke itself like he wants me to just endure it.
JoeLefty500 wrote:
Good for you for not putting up with that racist bs. You’d better sort this out. You don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t respect you and your origins. NTA.
OP responded:
It's less about my origins and more about why he would feel it would be okay to say something like that about me or anyone.
kdg28 wrote:
That’s a red flag there. It’s important to reflect on whether he truly respects you. Please consider this carefully before deciding to get married.
OP responded:
I'm really considering taking some time apart to clear my mind so we can decide what to do about it cause I don't think I can have something like that happen again.
Chuck60s wrote:
He is extremely disrespectful with both the comment and the attitude afterward. If this is how he acts now, how can you even consider spending your life with this insensitive, ignorant person. I applaud you for your reaction to the comment.
He deserved it. As for what to do now, my opinion is to tell him you need some space to think about your relationship. How can he ever be trusted with anything? Good luck.
fabulous-fill-2156 wrote:
NTA. And that “joke” was racist ethnocentrism at its finest. I don’t know you my dear but I know you can find a better partner. Dump David.
OP responded:
Thank you, I don't know what made him say that cause the entire time we were together it never seemed like he thought any of those things and this all came out of nowhere.