I (21F) have been best friends with "Britney" (20F) for 11+ years. Over the past year or so, our friendship has been really strained because of her relationship with her fiancé (22M). They’ve been together for 5 years now, and things got complicated when he was visiting his family in our hometown without her (right before Christmas 2024).
Britney invited me to stay with her for 2-3 days while he was gone so we could discuss the issues in their relationship, including some troubling behavior from him (slamming his fists on his desk while gaming, yelling until 3-4am when she has to be at work.
He is unemployed, he doesn't clean up after himself, won't pay for most things, doesn't take her on dates, ignores her needs, and makes her pay almost 3/4 of the rent by herself). Britney admitted there were problems, and we talked about the possibility of her ending the relationship.
Since he wasn't in the apartment, I offered to help tidy and gather a plan together. I tried to remain neutral, but secretly I was so relieved she finally brought this up to me. I have been having these feelings about their relationship for almost 2 years, but I didn't want to upset either of them by sharing my worries.
I knew it was bad because she asked me to come stay with her for the first time in their relationship while he was gone. It felt like that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where Ruth sends the letter to her old best friend to come get her from her ab#$ive husband. This was the first time we had a 'sleepover' on our own in almost 3 years.
We reconnected like we were kids again, watched movies and did face masks. Then, we went to the grocery store and I bought her favourite chocolate, snacks, and a bouquet of her favourite flowers while she waited outside. She cried the whole walk home and said she had never gotten flowers from her partner, and this overwhelmed her.
She spilled so many details to me about how lonely, unappreciated, stuck and lost she felt. Some of the things she said shocked me, some of them confirmed things I already worried of. I encouraged her to consider ending the relationship if she'd been feeling this way in silence for so long.
I could see how much this scared her, and I know from my own past experiences how hard it is to leave a relationship even if it's ab@#ive. As soon as he came back, Britney claimed everything was fine and that she was just being "dramatic." It was clear to me that she was downplaying the situation, possibly to please him.
She chose him over me and told me that we couldn’t be friends anymore because I still think he’s being ab#sive (though she doesn’t acknowledge it). Less than two weeks after I left, they got engaged, which felt like a reaction to the fact that she was pulling away from him. She has a tendency to downplay things, people please, and put other peoples needs before her own.
I myself am in a healthy relationship, and since I've dated this person she's completely pulled away from me. My partner agrees that she's holding animosity towards me because of her current situation, but I still feel a smidge of guilt. After I posted about my flight going well, (my partner and I are in a LDR) she blocked me on Instagram.
This was my first time flying alone, and to another country so it hurt that she didn't even ask if I was okay or how it went. That hurt my feelings a lot but I didn't voice it (because she blocked me). After that, she stopped talking to me, stonewalled me, blocked me on Instagram last month, and deleted all her social media accounts after changing the usernames and nicknames.
We haven't been in contact for the past 2-3 months until last week when she messaged me out of the blue to say I can no longer "be in her circle" because she wants to "protect" her fiancé and can’t have someone in her life who doesn’t support their relationship.
Her exact message: "I love you, thank you for everything, no one did anything wrong. Wishing you the absolute best, and do reach out if ever you need anything.. I can't have you in my circle. I'm sorry. I need to protect "fiancé", and I can't have someone who wants us separated.
No one did anything wrong, it's just an incompatibility." I was gutted but replied with "okay" and "goodbye Britney" because I couldn't bring myself say nothing. She kept unsending messages and deleting her responses to previous conversations. Originally, her message said she was in our hometown and asked if we could meet up to talk.
Then, she deleted that message and sent the other one instead.
While the past year has been difficult between us (we’ve fought, and she’s blocked me twice on Instagram), I’m struggling with guilt. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend of 11 years, and I can’t help but wonder if I should fight for her back, even though she’s clearly made her decision.
She hasn’t unfriended me on Discord, but she’s blocked me on Instagram, and I’m unsure of what to do. I also keep gaslighting myself into believing that I'm the problem, or that I did the wrong thing by agreeing he was ab#sive.
My partner has been excellent with giving advice about this situation, but ultimately I decided to post here because I need unbiased opinions to tell me if I made a wrong turn or missed something. AITA for not supporting her relationship and letting our friendship end? Should I have fought for her more?
Late-Champion8678 wrote:
Leave her alone. You didn’t end the friendship, she did. If you press her, she will further retreat. Hopefully she will open her eyes but for now, accept that she’s blocked you but if she does want to meet (if she does decide to leave NOT for any BS closure discussions), do consider agreeing.
You’ve been a great friend trying to give her space to be honest and supporting her when she expressed how unhappy she is. The fact that she kept typing, sending and I sending messages when you didn’t beg her shows she knows you’re not in the wrong but she’s not ready to see the light.
StickyLarue wrote:
You have to accept the choices that others make. Even though it can hurt a lot. You haven’t done anything wrong. She has made a choice and all you can do is keep your heart and door open in case she needs it in the future.
But it has to be her choice to return the friendship. You can’t do anything right except respect her decision. Which sucks.
You’ve done all you can. The hardest part about loving someone can be watching them choose the hard paths in life. This sucks too.
Whatever102485 wrote:
Honestly, I lost a friend in a similar situation. I won’t overtake your post with the trauma dump, but it sucked. At the end of the day, I know I didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did you. She made a choice. She knows the decision is the wrong one, but it’s hers to make.
Ab#$ive relationships are so complicated. And it’s so difficult to support the people we love who wind up in them because their abusers WANT them to be isolated. At the end of the day, all you can do is tell her that her choice is her choice, and then you have to move on. Maybe someday she’ll reach out again. Maybe she won’t. But you can’t live out your own life carrying the weight of a terrible relationship by proxy.
excel_pager_420 wrote:
You didn't encourage her to leave her fiancé. She invited you over and opened up somewhat, (I don't believe she told you everything) about the reality of her relationship. Then when he sensed her pulling away and gave affection, the engagement, she decided to stay. And she felt embarrassed about what she'd shared with you.
And because deep down she knows her relationship is toxic, everything you share about her life triggers her. Until now she's unfriended you for "wanting them separated." People in ab#$ive relationships always make the narrative, "everyone is campaigning for us to break up, it's me and my abuser against the world."
They always forget family and friends get concerned because of things they share or see. And to be honest, I think you should protect your piece of mind. I wouldn't reach out again. I'm sure she'll reach out the next time she tries to leave. You have done nothing wrong.