'AITA for ending a long-time friendship due to her constantly messaging my husband?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA (28F) for ending a long-time friendship (30F) due to her constant messaging and meme-sending to my husband (28M)?"

I never thought I would find myself in this situation, but here we are. For context, I've been friends with "Sarah" (30F) for a few years. We've been through a lot together, and I considered her one of my closest friends.

However, recently, something happened that I couldn't ignore. Over the past few months, Sarah has gotten close with my husband and I was pretty much okay with us all hiking and eating out together, she came to our wedding etc.

However, all hours of the day, Sarah has been sending my husband (28M) a ton of messages and memes. At first, I didn't think much of it. My husband and I are both friendly people, and I know Sarah has a good sense of humor. But the frequency and nature of the messages started to make me uncomfortable.

They weren't just occasional funny memes; it felt like she was constantly reaching out to him. I tried to brush it off, thinking maybe I was overreacting, but the feeling persisted. I eventually talked to my husband about it, and while he assured me there was nothing going on, he got defensive saying nothing is going on.

I allowed them to still hangout and I tried my hardest to not seem crazy, but yes, I feel crazy. So, I decided to finally talk to Sarah. I approached her calmly and explained how her constant messaging made me feel uncomfortable. I used "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory and tried to be as understanding as possible.

Instead of understanding or apologizing, she got defensive. She insisted that it was harmless and that I was being ridiculous. The conversation didn't go well, and shortly after, she blocked me on all social media. I was shocked and hurt. I never wanted to end our friendship over this, but I felt disrespected and ignored.

I'm feeling a mix of emotions right now. On one hand, I feel justified in setting boundaries and protecting my marriage. On the other hand, I'm mourning the loss of a long-time friend. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it? Any advice or perspective would be greatly appreciated.

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.

EDIT 1: A good friend of mine checked his social media and Sarah's. Looks like Sarah blocked my husband as well. Phew

EDIT 2: My husband and I agreed to marital counseling. If this fails, I'm divorcing him. Pregnant or not

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

stickchick77 wrote:

There is no way in hell if I told my husband I was uncomfortable about something he did would he get defensive. He would apologise and tell me he will never do it again because he knows it’s hurting me. Also your friend is being incredibly disrespectful - for her to block you should mean that her friendship with your husband should also end because you’re both a package deal.

Sorry but there’s something suspicious going on between them. If it’s all innocent, they wouldn’t be so defensive. You’re the one that's hurt and neither one of them are considering your feelings but their own.

OP responded:

Trust me, I feel frustrated because this is a strange situation. There’s clearly no flirtation messages, but I don’t understand why he’s so defensive when I told him to stop messaging her. I scheduled a marital counseling session; this is a lot for me considering I’m pregnant and I don’t have the energy to be dealing with this crap.

megyrox wrote:

Let me say, as an unmarried woman, if my best friend came to me and told me she was uncomfortable with my behavior towards her husband, I would be horrified and incredibly apologetic. Her reaction is very telling. She's not a true friend if she can't understand your concerns and you're better off without her in your life.

SonHyunWoo wrote:

The way they react towards your approach and their defensiveness is definitely suspicious.. I would be uncomfortable if I was in your shoes too.

OP responded:

I was surprised too. I let them hang out, because it was mostly in a group setting and I know she valued her friendship with my husband. However, her friendship with mine started to grow stale; she barely messaged me only for planning things.

With my husband, it was memes, sharing her problems and I got mad that my husband overshared some things to her that were going on between us. that’s when I felt uncomfortable.

passtheblueberries wrote:

You had every right to bring up your concerns to your friend and it sounds like you went about it the right way (using I statements and everything.) Her reaction is very telling. A real friend would have apologized for overstepping and promised not to do it again.

She got defensive and blocked you. That just screams bad intentions. I know it sucks to lose a friend, but it sounds like it's in the best interest of your marriage. Just make sure your husband has cut her off as well.

OP responded:

Hey thanks for your comforting words. It was truly hard to tell her how I really felt and a part of me, knew she was going to react so angrily. it took me months to finally accept the end of this friendship.

Though there wasn’t any outright flirting, I just felt their friendship got way too close and she barely spoke to me leaving me feeling excluded. I was tired of seeing her name at 3 in the morning on discord and on Instagram with all these memes.

southcoastal wrote:

So why hasn’t your husband shut this down?

Why hasn’t he blocked her?

You should be talking to him not blaming her.

OP responded:

I’ve tried for months to talk to him and set boundaries, he refused to shut down their friendship telling me there was nothing going on. He insisted that I talked to her and I told him I didn’t want to do that because it could cost us our friendship and he seems to not care that it did. I am honestly lost for words as I’m pregnant and we’ve been married awhile. I have booked us marital counseling.

PLUSsignenergy wrote:

Them acting like that is suspicious…will he let you read the messages?

OP responded:

Hi, yes he did let me read them. However, I am sad that it had to come down to this. I asked him many times to stop replying to her memes because she’ll keep on sending stuff. he constantly told me I was overreacting with their friendship and nothing was going on. I believed him for a while, however I was just sick of her sending him memes and messages at all hours of the day.

A day later, OP shared a longer update.

THE UPDATE:: Hello everyone. I wanted to share an update with you all about how my talk with my husband went and I took your advice into consideration to have a discussion with him. When he got off work, he called me, and we immediately didn't have a good start to the conversation. My husband thinks I'm "jealous" because he said it's not infidelity for her to send him memes and messages "once in a while."

He said he never saw Sarah in that light and that he just really liked her just as a friend and he's told me that for many months and he's just sick of me accusing him of infidelity when he works hard for me to be a stay at home mom. He never flirted with Sarah. He also said he's incredibly happy that I'm pregnant and he wants to start a family so I've been a priority and not Sarah.

However, he mentioned that he and his brother had grown somewhat distant from Sarah in the past because she was immature and has blocked many people throughout their friendship that I wasn't aware of. She's not good at taking criticism and has fought with other players when they went paintballing or at the gym and this is something Sarah likes to do is brag about blocking people.

Hence why she blocked me. My husband mentioned other friends brought up issues in the past, Sarah simply blocked them. It's something Sarah simply does. Anyway, when he got home, we hardly spoke, and there was a lot of awkwardness. I signed myself up for therapy because he didn't want marital counseling yet.

At night, we finally managed to talk some more, and I asked my husband if they blocked each other. He told me he hasn't checked but hasn't received anything from Sarah all day. I told him to block her; however, he doesn't believe in blocking anyone because he thinks it's immature and childish.

He wants Sarah and me to salvage the friendship and he wants to reach out to her so we can have a chance to talk about the fallout. His response about why he's so defensive about the friendship is not because of infidelity, but because he's disappointed that I ended a friendship that I held onto for so long and that Sarah held me in high regard.

He thinks sending memes isn't any proof of cheating and he never flirted with her. He said he would heart her memes. He apologized for over sharing with her and he thought she was just offering a shoulder to cry on.

He said he's mainly sad about losing the other guy friends that Sarah brought to the table. They were all gamers and went to the gym together, and he's going to miss that if Sarah and I don't reconcile the friendship. My husband is also sad about all the drama this has caused and how Sarah's guy friends are going to badmouth me because I confronted her.

He told me it's too soon for marital counseling for him; I didn't want to force that upon him. Right now, I feel like I'm in limbo and don't have the strength to just get up and leave him if that's the answer you're looking for. I will say I'm going to try to look at his phone myself when I have the energy, probably today, and confirm if anything is going on. It's easier said than done.

A part of me believes him and that he doesn't like her, but their friendship still makes me feel weird. I didn't check his phone because I was going through a huge energy drain, and it wasn't good for my baby. I prioritized my well-being and kept things low-key. It was also terrifying for me and I guess I'm not strong enough for that just yet. I probably will today now that my husband and I talked more.

The comments kept rolling in.

reads_to_much wrote:

A real friend wouldn't put you in this position in the first place. The second you told her you were uncomfortable with their friendship being so full on she should have just backed off. Instead, she blew up like a spoiled child. Your husband should be prioritising you and the baby, not a bunch of gaming or gym friends and definitely not scheming Sarah...he needs to grow up he's about to be a dad.

OP left a comment giving some context about her friendship.

Sarah was my friend first and we’ve been friends for many years even when I was married to my husband she’s been my friend. She didn’t have an interest with my husband until they started getting to know each other better over video games/table top games/ gym/ paint balling. I don’t have some of the same interests as my husband and they started talking more about the games and hobbies.

We started hanging out more, but sometimes I didn’t want to be involved in their hobbies and they went to the gym with a group of people and I was okay with it for a while. But then she started to come around more and message my husband separately and her friendship and I became stale. We hardly talked anymore and I agree with you. She doesn’t have boundaries.

For all our friendship, she can’t keep a relationship and she ends up blocking every single one. The majority of her friends (not mine) are single guy friends that are attracted to her. This never bothered me, but she started to add my husband in that group of those single guy friends and that didn’t sit right with me because my husband and I are married and she’s living more of a bachelorette lifestyle.

Hilseph wrote:

Don’t let him talk you out of your gut feeling. Maybe he’s telling the truth but he has been oddly evasive about everything, and his excuse for refusing to block her is pretty stupid. He’s also doing a ton of redirecting here.

It wouldn’t be so suspicious if he stopped getting this defensive and downplaying everything.

Your first post sounded like this situation had pretty decisively been an emotional affair. Can’t find the original text.

goldstat wrote:

The immediate reaction of your friend is telling that there was inappropriate intentions behind it. A normal friend would be mortified that their friend thinks that they are flirting with their husband. Your husband's reaction was also weird. There is such a thing as emotional affairs and this honestly sounds kind of like an emotional affair.

Peaceful_stranger wrote:

This is so weird that this is his stance, and it sucks to read your update. His unwillingness to end a friendship that is making you uncomfortable, and then state you’re insecure and jealous—is really something.

unknownfena wrote:

Sarah sounds annoying...and your husband wants someone as a friend who can't accept critism. Why?

Trisamitops wrote:

Ending the friendship was her reaction, not yours. You just brought up a conversation about your boundaries, which she took offense to. Also laughing at your husband's reaction to you bringing up counseling... "Nah, we'll just wait till it gets real bad. No need to waste time on maintenance/ prevention."

Almost two weeks later, OP shared another update.

Hey everyone, I wanted to share a positive update with you all. First off, I want to say thank you for all the advice and support I received. It really helped me gain perspective on the situation. I didn't log on for a while and saw my post blew up. I wanted to address some things that I felt weren't accurate.

No online commenters, I'm not trying to jump straight to divorce with my husband over their close friendship. I will always fight for my husband and I know my husband will fight for me.

No amount of comments will truly dictate that for me. We're not perfect like any other marriage but I simply didn't trust the friendship dynamic anymore and didn't want Sarah to have access to my husband. when I said "I let them hang out," I wasn't implying anything malicious and my wording was off as English isn't my first language.

I meant to say that I was overall okay with their friendship for a long time, even though sometimes I wasn't genuinely comfortable with it. If it truly makes me controlling, so be it. I also want to address some comments suggesting that I can’t make a good judgment because I’m pregnant.

I respectfully disagree. While pregnancy does bring its challenges, it hasn’t clouded my ability to recognize what’s best for my marriage and my well-being. I’ve taken time to reflect and make thoughtful decisions, and I’m confident that I’m acting in the best interest of my family. After everything happened, I decided to show my post to my husband. He read through it and was very apologetic.

He acknowledged that he could see how his actions have been hurtful and that he didn’t fully understand my concerns at first. We both recognized where we went wrong, and it opened up a much-needed conversation between us. I’m happy to say that we’re going to start marital counseling together. It will be really helpful in improving our communication and rebuilding trust.

We’re both committed to making our marriage stronger, especially with the baby on the way. As for Sarah, she hasn’t contacted either of us since everything went down. While it’s sad to lose a long-time friend, I’m at peace with the decision. My focus is on my family now, and I’m grateful that my husband and I are working through this together.

I do wish Sarah the best and hope she realizes that I don't judge her for her decision to block me and just wished we didn't have to end a long time friendship over this. Thank you again to everyone who reached out with advice and kind words. It’s made a big difference in how I approached the situation, and I’m feeling much more positive about the future.

TL;DR: After showing my post to my husband, he apologized and acknowledged the mistakes. We’ve started marital counseling and are working on strengthening our relationship. Sarah hasn’t contacted us since, and while it’s sad, I’m at peace with the situation. I disagree with comments saying pregnancy clouds my judgment—I’m confident in the decisions I’m making for my family. Thank you for all!

The commenters had a lot to say.

bem981 wrote:

Do what ever make you happy! But be careful of your husband, he is the one sharing roof and bed with you not Sarah, and this is not an action I would accept from my spouse by any mean!

longhairedmolerat wrote:

Your husband is still sus. He only admitted there was an issue when strangers called him out. He didn't put his wife's concerns first. Big YIKES!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Debicollman1010 wrote:

Sarah is trouble and if your husband starts communicating with her again I’m sure you know what you have to do!!

miissbecca wrote:

I feel like he read the comments and realized his defensiveness was revealing and decided to agree to marriage counseling only then.