'AITA: Cutting my family off after they didn’t let me say goodbye to my dying grandfather.' + UPDATE
"AITA: Cutting my family off after they didn’t let me say goodbye to my dying grandfather."
I just got off the phone with my grandmother, and I am truly at a loss for words. For some background: my parents have been divorced since I was a kid. My father relocated once I went to college, and my grandfather, my father’s dad, started battling cancer shortly after my sophomore year.
He and my grandmother were unable to attend my undergraduate or graduate school graduations because of his illness. My father on the other hand voluntarily skipped my graduate school graduation citing how “it wasn’t that important” because he “already saw me walk across the stage once.”
This, coupled with years of emotional abuse and neglect, led me to the decision to go low to no contact with my father about two years ago. While my relationship with him has been strained, I tried my best to maintain a connection to my grandparents, despite the several states divide between us.
My grandfather was a man of few words, but our conversations were always genuine. The last time I remember seeing my grandfather in person, which was before the stuff with my dad happened, he gave me a big hug before going to the airport, a kiss on the cheek and told me he loved me.
I would call multiple times a month checking in, asking about their well-beings and would sometimes hear my grandfather, listening in on the other line. Each time I would ask my grandmother if I could speak to him, she would make up some reason as to why he couldn’t come to the phone. She kept me up-to-date on his treatments and I knew things were getting bad last summer.
My mom and I were going to plan a trip to go visit my grandparents who live hundreds of miles away from me so I could say goodbye to my grandfather as I had a feeling his time was coming. We didn’t tell them of the trip and were going to do it as a surprise.
The week before my mom and I were scheduled to fly out, I got a text from my aunt saying that my grandfather had passed. I was crushed. No viewing, no funeral, but they told me they were thinking of doing a celebration of life in the spring.
They did cremate him, but no one other than my grandmother allegedly was present for it. I did call my dad to express my condolences and he mentioned how my grandfather died disappointed in me because my father and I didn’t speak anymore.
This brings us to now. I called my grandmother to check in. She mentioned how she regrets and feels bad that I’m not as close to her and my grandfather as I am to my mom’s parents, which is true as for a period of time in my childhood, my mom and I lived with her parents; growing up, we also lived about an hour away from them compared to the 12-14 hour drive it would take to see my dad’s side of the family.
“The one that they see the most and interact with the most is more than likely the favorite grandchild.” What? I have one other cousin on my dad’s side, so was she implying I wasn’t the favorite?
But here’s what made me skin crawl: she gave me a play-by-play of the weeks before my grandfather passed. Apparently, my grandfather had scheduled to do a medically assisted suicide, since the state they live in is a “death with dignity” state, two days after he had passed, which still would have been the week before my trip to see them.
My dad, aunts, uncles and cousin came the weekend before to spend time with him and say their goodbyes. No one had told me of my grandfather’s plan. No phone call, text, email, nothing.
Then, the day of my grandfather’s passing the doctors asked my grandmother and the family present if they would like to administer a medication to keep him alive just a few hours longer so that other family and friends who may not have been present could have the chance to say goodbye.
They declined, saying how my grandfather wouldn’t have wanted that. His intensines twisted up because of his medications and caused sepsis, so he was in an exorbitant amount of pain.
My face went hot on the phone. I understand not calling on the day of his passing when there’s a lot of chaos and you’re trying to process your own grief in that moment, but the fact that there was a plan for him to peacefully go that week, and I could’ve had a chance to say goodbye makes my blood boil.
Why didn’t someone call or text about his intentions? The countless times I asked on the phone to speak to him, why couldn’t she just put him on the line once? I truly don’t want to believe that my grandfather was disappointed in me, but I’m starting to question why I was so out of the loop? Is it because I’m “not the favorite”?
It took every fiber of my being to not lash out and scream as my grandmother sobbed recounting the story on the phone. I mustered up the strength to not break down and found a way to get off the phone with my grandmother.
I don’t know what to think but my heart is telling me that I am no longer part of that side of the family. If there even is a celebration of life, at this point, I’m not sure I would want to go. My mom suggested I write in and get people to weigh in, but she is on my side. She’s been great through all of this.
So Reddit, WIBTA if I continue this no-contact and extend it to my dad’s whole side of the family after they refused to let me contact my grandfather and say goodbye before he passed away?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your grandmother did everything in your power to make sure you never saw your grandfather again. That’s deeply disgusting. Honestly, if you screamed at her and lashed out, I’d still vote NTA.
NTA I’m willing to bet your grandfather mentioned you the most and probably made everyone some type of jealous. And that’s why the excluded you from everything. If it were me when grandfather died my ties with that family would have died to.
prettyaspeach (OP)
The cancer spread to his lungs, and he was on oxygen. My grandmother sometimes said his voice wasn’t that strong and he had a hard time talking. Occasionally, I would hear a faint whistling on the other line.
I just made it a point to say “okay, well just tell him I called. That I love him and miss him.” I’m hoping if he was on the line those times, he heard that, and even if it was too labor-some to speak, he knew I cared about him.
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
I decided to call my aunt, the one who had notified me via text that my grandfather had passed in the first place. She, I figured, would be the most straight forward about everything.
I didn’t initially go into it with the whole “Why didn’t anyone call me so I could speak to him to say goodbye?” but I wanted to get some answers. I wanted closure. I told her I was having a hard time understanding if he had a whole plan and I had numerous chances to talk to him, why I wasn’t given the chance to.
First, she let me know that she and seemingly her other siblings including my dad didn’t know about my grandfather’s wishes for a medically assisted “death with dignity” until after he had passed.
She was consumed with her own grief of losing a father that she, or anyone, had the space to call me as they were still trying to process their own emotions regarding his death. “Up until the very end, he wasn’t thinking about anyone but himself. He was a very selfish man,” she said.
As far as the whole, “grandfather died disappointed in you”, she vehemently denied it and apologized for my father’s ignorance. She validated my feelings but questioned how much better it would have felt for me to say my goodbyes.
I can’t say for certain if it would or wouldn’t, but I can speak to how I feel and it sucks. My aunt insisted I didn’t have that strong of a connection to him, and compared my relationship to the one she had with him and my grandmother did.
“Realistically, how much of a part of your life was he? I wouldn’t let somebody that didn’t have that much of an impact on your life while he was alive have an impact on your life now that he’s gone.”
I would certainly hope that my relationship with my grandfather is different than my grandmother had with her life partner. My aunt then said I didn’t need validation from my dad’s side of the family with all that I’ve accomplished in my life, but she’s here if I need to talk.
I’m still not sure how to move forward, but I’ve been journaling, per the recommendation of my therapist. Specifically writing about my grandfather and I’s relationship, and the relationship with my father has been helping me navigate my emotions, seeing it written in words. We’re also adding more grief counseling topics into our sessions, so there’s that.
That’s all I have for now. I guess be on the lookout if I ever publish a memoir. Thank you for your advice and words of wisdom. If there are any further updates, I’ll be sure to share.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Walk away, nothing she said made sense. She was too devastated to call you but he was such a monster? How much could it possibly mean to you? Uh that’s NOT her decision to make.
Your dad with the disappointment comment. Thinking about himself, utterly selfish… but he forwent the week of last respects? Why wait the week then? There is a lot of toxic bull over that side, skip it.
Dear god, those extended family members are freaking awful. OP dearly needs to walk away from those folks...they ain't good.
This pisses me off to no end. My partner lost her mother and didn’t find out til the day she passed. She was in a coma for a week and her entire family didn’t bother to reach out. Why didn’t they call before? “We didn’t want to interrupt college classes.” It was July.
It kills me that the aunt is apparently eloquent enough that she got OP duped into thinking that she WASN'T just as awful as everyone else on that side of the family. Just some crazy nonsense that OP would be best off not having in her life.