'AITA for feeling upset if my partner said, 'I'll marry you if you lose weight?' UPDATED
"AITA for feeling upset if my partner said, 'I'll marry you if you lose weight?'"
So, here’s the deal. I’ve been dating this guy for about a year now, and things have been mostly great. But the other day, we were chilling on the couch, talking about the future, and he drops this bombshell on me. He says, all casual-like, "I'll marry you if you lose some weight."
I mean, what the actual heck? At first, I laughed it off, thinking he was joking or maybe just being insensitive. But the more I think about it, the more it bothers me. Like, am I just supposed to change myself to fit his idea of the perfect partner? Shouldn’t he love me for who I am?
I’ve always been a little self-conscious about my weight, but I never thought my partner would use it against me like that. Now I’m torn between feeling hurt and wondering if I’m overreacting. I know communication is key in a relationship, but how do I even bring this up without it turning into a huge fight? So, Reddit, am I the jerk here for feeling upset? Or is it reasonable to expect more from my partner?
Commenters kept it one hundred percent real.
AppropriateLyrics wrote:
Ask him why he's with you now if he disapproves of you.
honorablenarwhal wrote:
He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
Hot-Temporary-2465 wrote:
My friend married a guy who told her he would marry her if she got down to 110. She did. They got married and it was always something, her hair was too short, too curly , her car was too dirty, etc, etc,. they are divorced now and he is on wife #4.
CrabbiestAsp wrote:
NTA. Tell him you'll lose weight before marrying him, then dump him and exclaim, omg I just dropped *however many kgs he weighs. Honestly though, he is an AH for saying that. Either he loves you enough to marry you or he doesn't. The issue that you face here is that... say you do lose weight and he is then happy to marry you.
What if you put on weight in the future because you're getting older, have an injury or illness, fall pregnant etc. Is he going to be an AH about it again or support and love you?
Frozefoots wrote:
I mean there’s a really quick way to lose about 180-200lbs.
Dump his shallow a-s lol
All seriousness you’re NTA.
What if you lost the weight, and then regained due to pregnancy/motherhood? Or simply let yourself go? Weight very often fluctuates in people naturally, we have our moments. I’m currently losing weight, but it’s something I’ve decided for myself and by myself, and it’s something I was working on before I got into a relationship. My partner doesn’t care what size I am - he loves all of me regardless.
Competitive_Key_2981 wrote:
You’re NTA for feeling you don’t want to get into shape and are less interested in a guy that wants you to be.
But these are tough conversations. Love might be unconditional but entering into marriage is not.
Let’s say you love him but he isn’t very career focused and you don’t want to be the breadwinner. Are you wrong to tell him you would marry him if he could sort out his career? You love him but he smokes. You tolerate the smoking but you don’t want to start a family with a smoker. It’s a hard conversation but are YTA for asking him to quit?
His job requires travel but you don’t want to marry and start a family if he’ll be on the road the whole time. Are YTA?
You love him but he’s a slob and you don’t want to do all the cleaning or have to make him clean.
I’m sure you get the idea.
Your fitness is important for its own sake and not just his preferences.
Two days later, OP shared an update.
First of all, thank you for every comment. I've read them all. Thank you for your advice; it has been a huge help to me. Now, all my questions have been answered, as if God himself has responded to all my inquiries. I'm very sad at the moment, but I will get through this.
I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, and it completely shattered my world. I stumbled upon his phone accidentally yesterday and saw messages with another girl. It hit me hard because he used to tell me things like "I'll marry you if you lose weight," and when I saw her profile, she was stunningly attractive. It all clicked then - all the red flags I had ignored.
I broke up with him immediately. It hurts like hell, but I know I deserve better. Right now, I'm focusing on loving myself again. It's a painful journey, but I'm grateful to God for helping me see the truth. He didn't abandon me; instead, He guided me to uncover what was hidden.
I'm sharing this because I know many of you have been through similar situations or know someone who has. It's tough, but we have to prioritize our own happiness and self-respect. Trust your instincts and don't settle for anything less than you deserve. Thank you all for your support. It means a lot to me during this difficult time. GOD bless you all.
The internet was invested in the update.
Hungry-Caramel4050 wrote:
Nobody who’s ever said : “I stumbled upon his phone accidentally yesterday” ever actually did 😏.
You went and found what you needed, good for you. Own it. You deserve better.
lbunny7 wrote:
Don’t think about how stunning or attractive you think she is. You’re not the reason he cheated- it’s not because you aren’t stunning or attractive, and never put yourself down or compare yourself to her. It’s his fault he cheated, not yours. you were and are good enough, never forget it.
Sharonary1963 wrote:
My sister-in-law's husband was always on her to lose weight. She was a size 12. Yes, a 12. She probably was a size 8 or 10 when they were first married. He even offered her money to lose weight. She ended up with colon cancer and lost weight rapidly.
When my husband and I went to visit her, she was probably down to a size 4-6 and was so thrilled with her weight loss. After a few more months, she was a skeleton and died of that cancer. Her dick-head husband finally got his "thin" wife.
PinkedOff wrote:
I almost said 'I'm sorry for how this turned out', but I'm not. I'm sorry you went through it and wasted your time with a jerk like that, but I'm happy you are no longer with him. Now you can focus on your own interests and life without the lens of a cheating jerk defining your worth. You are great just as you are (or any way you are, ever) and anyone who can't agree with that isn't worth your time. Good luck, OP. :)