'AITA for fighting with my mother's husband and potentially causing their divorce?' UPDATED

"AITA for fighting with my mother's husband over me not cleaning the house and potentially causing their divorce?"

I (30F), am currently living in a shared space with my mom (54F) and her husband (49M) after running into some medical troubles and no longer being able to afford to live on my own, and before anyone says anything, yes I am paying rent/bills to live here.

The issues started between me and her husband a few months after I moved in with him taking every opportunity he could to "talk to himself" about how I'm such a lazy POS, how it "must be nice" that I'm stuck at home while I'm on medical leave from work, how I'm faking my chronic illness flair ups to get away with doing nothing and just generally complaining about my existence any time I wasn't in my room.

So, I started spending all my time in my room unless my mom was home and only coming out to talk to her when she got back from work or updating her on my medical stuff.

Apparently, her husband has an issue with that as well. He gets mad whenever we talk and just generally acts like a jealous boyfriend and that I'm trying to steal his girl away as if she isn't my mother.

To try and keep things brief, it's essentially gotten to the point where I can't even leave my room without him starting something or finding issue over it and finds even more issue in the fact that I don't leave my room because he expects me to play cinderella and clean up after his messes everyday and cook dinner for them every night.

All this despite the fact that I cannot stand or walk more than 20 minutes at a time without immense pain and have doctors orders that I can't so most of what he demands of me because I end up hurting myself more and prolonging my injury.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to "do more" when I'm on restrictions of what I can do after suffering a back injury that I have already had to get 3 surgeries for and am waiting for more of. It's already frustrating feeling like a prisoner in my own body and being stuck living somewhere I don't even want to be, but, here is where I might be the @$$h@le.

I ended up getting into a screaming match with her husband after he came home acting like a toddler, IE slamming doors/cabinets, stomping around, throwing things, and loudly talking smack about me because I didn't clean the house after getting home from another round of spine injections to try and manage the swelling.

A lot of things were said and my mom came home and they ended up getting into a huge fight that went on for 3 more days and now my mom is saying she threatened divorce and that she'll lose the house without his job to pay for it and I just really don't know what to do.

I'll admit there are some things I can do to help clean that I've stopped doing out of spite because he talks sh!t regardless if I do it or not, and while I would have no issue cooking for my mom, I have no desire to cook for someone who treats me like sh!t for things I can't control even if I know my refusal isn't helping the problem. I don't want my mom to suffer because of me. So AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Appropriate-Round-77 said:

NTA because it's not like you wanted the back injury or to live with them, but have you considered that perhaps he didn't want you to live with them either, but your mum overruled him? I get why she would, you need help, but to him it could feel like he had no choice but to have you in his house and he's frustrated. It's not nice of him to show it in this way, but I can see why. So I suppose I actually mean NAH

OP responded:

Funnily enough, he was all for me moving in at first but I think when he realized it didn't mean he was getting a free live in maid, he changed his tune.

Awkward-School-5987 said:

NTA! But this environment isn't healthy for your recovery. I pray he never needs help while he's in need the only places that will accept him are places he has to pay for! We are all going to need help someday and his Karma is going to be satisfying ? but I'd try to find alternative housing if possible.

OP responded:

Couldn't agree more, and I'm trying my best to find alternatives but with the income I have right now through workers comp, it's virtually impossible to find somewhere I can afford as well as paying for a caregiver to help with the things I can't do due to my injury ?

www-apuppy-com said:

from the perspective of someone who has children - the second someone screams at my child for not doing enough while they're disabled / not even capable of working, i'm ending the relationship.

i understand you're a grown adult, but you're undergoing surgeries, injections, and i doubt you want to be 30 and relying on your mother for support because of an illness. you pay what you can with what you're earning and the focus should be on your recovery so you can get the heck out of the house and develop a sense of independence again.

NTA, but don't stop helping where you can out of spite. do what you're capable of and do it for your mom, not your stepdad. if you blatantly stop doing what you're physically comfortable with doing, you're being TA to your mom.

Alfred-Register7379 said:

NTA. But I don't think you can afford to financially take care of your mother, either. He is financially abusing your mother. He has the bulk of the money, but everyone is paying the price for it. Move out if you can. Maybe a relatives house.

And cascadia1979 said:

NTA. You’re contributing financially but he still wants to take advantage of you and is not respecting you or your medical needs. Any divorce that happens is the fault of your mom and her husband alone, not you.

She later shared comment to answer some questions and provide more info.:

First, I'm going to answer some questions and clarify a few things here.

I have had my back injury since the end of last year and have only been living with them the last 5 months because I could no longer afford to pay rent, groceries, bills and a caretaker on my own while living off workers comp checks, which, considering I used to work my ass off for overtime and getting in extra days when I could, is no where near what I used to make which already wasn't great.

I am still paying for all of my own food, necessities, ubers, and other personal things myself as well as helping pay some of the bills and rent which usually leaves me with about $270 for myself each month after paying rent/bills.

Her husband does expect me to clean the entire house every single day, from vacuuming, mopping, dusting, dishes, his personal laundry, cleaning the stove, cleaning the windows inside and out, taking out the garbage, bringing out/in the cans, and a few other things that I realistically cannot do with my injury, let alone while I have to rely on my mobility aide.

I have tried to compromise in the past. When he argues that he doesn't see me do things I would wait until he gets home to do them in front of him so he could see for himself that I was doing them but then he would just complain about me being in his way and that it should have already been done and that I just sat on my @$$ all day.

When I tried to give lists of what I could realistically do without injuring myself I get told it's not enough and that I'm just a lazy POS trying to get out of doing more. Even the stuff I still do like loading/unloading the dishwasher, sweeping (vacuum is too heavy), dusting, cleaning the counters, he'll just come home and complain I didn't do anything even when he's left a big mess that's obviously been cleaned up by me.

As for him, he works construction so whenever it rains he's home, which has been often as of late. Because I don't feel safe being around him alone because of his verbal harassment I stay in my room on those days to avoid any conflict.

He does make a majority of the mess in the house by occasionally cooking and being a very messy cooker, leaves beer cans and shot bottles everywhere, always spills his drinks and leaves them to get sticky, pees on the floor/toilet seat daily and expects me to clean it up, and has even left throw up once or twice for me to clean. The only real cleaning he does is he'll mow the lawn and sometimes wash some dishes.

He does have a drinking problem and yes, it had already caused issues in their marriage long before I moved in. It had only gotten worse because he is mad I'm not playing cinderella like he expected and to quote the man himself "I work my butt off in the sun all day, if anyone deserves a vacation it's me."

But this is not a vacation for me. I'm trying to heal from what could potentially become a life long injury if these surgeries don't work and am in pain every day, that isn't a vacation and I'd much rather be at work and in my own space again.

As for my mom, she also works full time and makes pretty good money, she just can't afford to keep paying the house on her own because the taxes have raised so much. She doesn't want to sell it because it's our childhood home and the location isn't bad.

I know things are hard on her so I try not to complain to her about his mistreatment towards me or get in her way, however, that doesn't mean I'll stay quiet and just take it.

As for the financial stuff. I am trying to figure out another living situation but with how little I can afford to pay while still needing a caregiver it makes it a little harder and my family are not the most reliable people at the moment since they all have their own stuff to deal with.

I really don't want to be more of a burden than I already am with my injury and situation. I plan on trying to talk with my mom more about alternatives and plans but, her husband isn't going to change and I know this will all just fall on me to fix so I'm going to try my best.

And then she posted an update on the situation:

A lot of you have brought up getting on disability so, and while I do want to keep a few things more private, I will say I am trying my best to get on it even if it's short term but my surgeon hasn't been the most accommodating in that regard, insisting that I will get better because I'm still young and that I "shouldn't rely on those things since It'll only make your mind less willing to want to heal"

So ? and unfortunately, since he's provided through workers comp they are fighting tooth and nail saying I've been with him for too long to replace him as my surgeon. My lawyer is doing what he can to fight this in court and push for someone who will actually provide me accommodation instead of pushing the "tough it out" boomer ideations or blaming my pain on my recent weight gain.

It is unbelievably frustrating but please believe me when I say I am trying the best I can to get disability and have been since I was put on medical leave from work.

Things are not as easy in practice as they seem in theory no matter how much I wish they were, so if anyone who works in workers comp or with disability have any advice on what I can do to speed this process up or what I should do to finally get them to agree to put me on it I'd be really grateful.

As for the situation itself, It's still complicated to say the least. I think her husband realized she was serious about the divorce and isn't letting him get away with talking badly about me anymore where, instead of ignoring it like she did in the past.

She's quick to yell at him and tell him to shut up and remind him that if I do half the stuff he's complaining about, I could hurt myself more and risk paralyzing myself and be here even longer.

And although many of you messaged me telling me not to, I did apologize for blowing up on him and saying a lot of mean things but all he did was ignore me so ??‍♀️. My mom keeps insisting that I don't need to stay confined in my room all day to avoid him and that I'm paying to live in this house too but idk, my anxiety has been pretty bad since all of this happened and even if he's ignoring me now.

I still don't want to stir anything but being where I know I'm not allowed though I have discussed her lowering my rent since I am essentially only paying to use my bedroom and occasionally the kitchen so I can try to start saving up a little more and leave. That's basically where things are at now, not sure what else to say but I'll update again should anything new happen. Thank you all again for the support.