'AITA for filing for divorce after my stepchildren called me names? My husband didn't back me up.' UPDATED

A healthy relationship requires mutual support, without that, tension and distance can easily build.

"AITAH for not doing anything for my step children anymore after being called names and filing for a divorce from my husband after he didn’t back me up?"

I 30F have been married to my 34M husband for 6 years and he has twins, a boy and a girl and they’re 16 now. When we started dating/got married we went to family therapy and I made it clear that I was not trying to be their mother or replace their mother. Their mother hasn’t been in their life since they were about 8.

Things have been great with us these past 6 years. They even started calling me mom when they were around 12/13. Recently their bio mother came back into their lives and they were really excited. Things were great for about 6 months and then they started to call me by my real name, that hurt but it’s what they chose to do and I never questioned it.

Recently they’ve been getting very disrespectful. They don’t follow the curfew rules, they’re not cleaning up after themselves, they’re talking back to me, telling me I’m not their real mom, that I’m the reason she left (which is not true, I didn’t meet him until a year and half after she left) that now that she’s back they don’t need me anymore, 3 weeks ago there was a blow up where my (step) son called me a b#$ch.

I took his phone and told him to his room until his dad came back but instead he ran out and went to his mom’s. She came over and it was a big argument. She tried to hit me and I pushed her out of my house. My (step) daughter told me if I ever put my hands on her mom again then she’d kick my a$$. They both went to their mom’s place.

After that, I haven’t been very active. I usually take them to sports and activities, I don’t wake them up for school so they’ve been late a few times. I tell them to have their mom wake them up and take them. We were supposed to go to Disney World for their spring break this week but I canceled everything. I told them and my husband and I guess they thought I was bluffing.

We were supposed to leave Thursday night and when I didn’t start the usual vacation round up they were shocked. They started saying I was jealous that their mom came back in their lives, that I’m a horrible person, I’m selfish, there was some name calling and my husband was silent. I asked him if he was going to step in and he said I was wrong for canceling. I left and went to stay in a hotel.

He has been blowing my phone up asking me to come back and yesterday he told me that their mother disappeared again and they’ve been calling me crying and apologizing. I don’t want to do this anymore… I don’t feel like I’m part of their family and they can’t Just cry and come back now that she disappeared.

I told my husband that I want a divorce and I’ll be back over this week to get my things but we have nothing to talk about. Yes, I know their mother was manipulating them. I never said otherwise. Yes, they are 16… that doesn’t give them the right to treat me this way. Being 16 doesn’t mean you get to be disrespectful and threaten me. I have always been in their corner.

I know their feelings matter in this but I am also a person with feelings. I am not only considering or moving forward with this divorce based on how the children acted, it is also that my husband did not back me up in this… if I can’t count on him to help me navigate this tough situation that we were all going through… then why should I stay?

That does not mean that I should be treated the way I was being treated…that is not normal 16-year-old behavior…to thre*ten me? Call me vile names? I just need time for myself. And I don’t want an apology just because their bio mother ran out on them again… I want an apology because they really mean it and I don’t believe anyone can be truly sorry 2 days after their mother vanished again.

I would never just abandon them…but I do need time for myself because my feelings were disregarded. Yes, I am an adult, but I still have feelings that were hurt and need time for myself. I never asked or expected them to be perfect. I never expected them to be the most mature people but I am allowed to be hurt and take time for myself during all of this. They have feelings and so do I.

I love them very much, they are my children but this is a very complicated situation. This is not because “they called me a b#$ch” I’ve been called worse, I’m a woman. This is ultimately about my husband not backing me up during this situation.

Yes, I am hurt that they called me that I’m allowed to be…it hurts even worse coming from two people who I love dearly and would never hurt or want any harm to come to them.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

No-Personality5421 wrote:

NTA.

If your husband stepped up and actually parented his children, then he wouldn't be looking forward to his second divorce and being a single parent.

TabbyTuxedo06 wrote:

NTA. You don't deserve to be treated this way and your husband is doing absolutely nothing. Had it just been the kids, it could have been a lesson eventually. But your husband chose not to support you.

It would be easy to blame the bio mom for turning back up and twisting things but honestly it's BOTH bio parents because your husband showed his kids that he won't stand up for you, essentially telling them it's okay to treat you that way.

murphy2345678 wrote:

NTA. The main problem is your husband. He hasn’t been standing up for you to the kids for over 6 months. You are right to divorce him.

CriticalSimple3122 wrote:

I’m sorry you’re going through this. The bio mother may well have practiced parental alienation, but that’s no excuse for your stepchildren and husband turning a blind eye to the bio mother trying to physically attack you. And there’s no excuse for your husband allowing his children to act like this and failing to back you up. NTA.

VegetableBusiness897 wrote:

Bio mom dipped when step mom did....coz bio knew all she had over those kids was the fun of t*rturing OP, once OP was out and bio might have to come through on anything, or do some parenting....she legged it.

Take it slow OP. Enjoy your vacay and really ponder what you want in life. It may not be this fickle spineless man and his kids. But he might have been struggling to know what to do, and just....failed. If. If you go back, it should be with family and marriage counseling. And I would stay out of the house and let him be a full time parent to two teen agers for a bit. NTA.

Three weeks later, OP shared an update.

Hello, I have been getting a lot of messages asking for an update. I am now in a place to be able to give an update. You can look at my previous post for what this is about.

I went back to the house 2 days ago and my husband and I had a long talk about what happened and how I didn’t feel protected by him and how he knew how disrespectful they were being but didn’t stop anything.

He said that he still loved his ex and that’s why pretty much. He didn’t want to do anything for her to leave them again (them as in him and the twins) but that didn’t change how he felt about me…I did not feel comfortable with that.

I told him that I’ve been there, not her and how could he still love her and it was very emotional and there was crying and yelling. I made the decision to move along with the divorce. I spoke to the twins and they cried and said it’s their fault and to forgive them and their dad and not to leave.

I told them that as much as I love them, staying with their dad and in this home was not an option but I would still love to have a relationship with them if they want but I am still very much hurt by what happened and would still appreciate a little more time for myself. I let them know that their actions have consequences and they can’t treat people the way they did.

I did move out and I was staying in a unit in one of my rental properties. Exciting news, I bought my first house. It was a fairly quick process. I’m excited for what’s next, I bought my first house ever and next month I am taking a break from work for a few weeks or the whole month…maybe 2 or 3 and doing some exploring of the world and healing and finding myself.

I lost myself in the twins and my husband and didn’t really focus on what I wanted and what made me happy. So I bought tickets again for Disney World, I have also made plans to go to Thailand next month and from there. I have no clue. I’m doing some spontaneous trips…I have always wanted to see the 7 wonders of the world. Anyway, I am really happy to be getting a break.

I told the kids I would love to have them over for dinner when I get settled in to my new place. I do feel bad about canceling their trip to Disney so I am thinking about funding a trip for them to go this summer for their 17th birthday…just not with me, I’m excited to be traveling alone and I need the mental break. That is all really…

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Actual-Offer-127 wrote:

Let your husband and their mother that he still loves to fund the trip for them. Please don't be a doormat. You can be there peripherally for the twins but ultimately they're not your responsibility and that would be over stepping. I still can't get over him saying he still loves the woman that abandoned his kids and him. I wouldn't be surprised if he was having an affair while she was back.

canyonemoon wrote:

Don't fund a birthday trip for them, let them come to you and build a relationship with you without money and trips being at the center. Don't get dragged into the same hole of being unappreciated except for the vacations you can offer.

Let the relationship speak for itself for a while, let it grow on its own, without bringing in huge amounts of money.

I'm sorry their dad is a dirtbag and treated you like that. And I hope you'll have an amazing world trip

OP responded:

I have to get out of that position of being a “mom” to them and after reading your comment and a few other comments like it, I will not be funding a trip for them. There definitely needs to be a stronger foundation before I even think about putting down thousands of dollars for them.

Dachhundsmom5 wrote:

I'm still in love with the woman who abandoned my kids who treat you like crap while expecting you to be their nanny and fund expensive trips, but that doesn't mean you should stop paying for trips or being the chauffeur/child waker upper/organizer/etc.

Really? He doesn't think much of you if he thought that would fly. You're there to fund them, take care of them, be their punching bag, and all the while they all pine for someone else. That isn't love. I hope there is a prenup. Is their mom still gone?

emmcn75 wrote:

It’s sad that he married you just to care for his kids, since he still loves his ex who abandoned them. It’s sad that you gave all you had to him when he never deserved your love or attention. I think divorce is the right move considering he never fully committed to you or your relationship.

As for the kids yes they are old enough to know what they said was wrong. I would be very cautious how you stay in their life. Maybe a dinner every now and then yes but no trips, limit your “stepmom” duties including sports and after school activities. Slowly cut yourself out of their lives. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.

extremelyinsecure123 wrote:

Honey, please don’t fund their trip. They’re apologizing now because their bio-mom left and they realize they miss you. I’m not saying they don’t mean it but I don’t think they would’ve apologized had she not left. You need to let your relationship with them be about you and them, ONLY, for a while.

No trips or gifts or external influences. Do NOT feel bad about cancelling their trip after they called you names and threatened to physically hurt you. I’m so glad you’re leaving your horrible husband. You seem like a very kind person and I hope you stay strong and don’t go back to him. He’s been taking advantage of your kindness for a long time. Enjoy your travels and self-discovery!<3