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Brother’s anger grows as sister adopts his affair child, disrupting family dynamics. AITA?

Brother’s anger grows as sister adopts his affair child, disrupting family dynamics. AITA?


"AITA for adopting my brother's affair baby?"


I (26f) am in a long-term committed relationship with another woman(23f). Both of us have always known that we wanted children, and we've had a lot of discussions about just how that might happen. My brother, Roy (34m), cheated on his wife (32f) with a younger woman, Mary (21f).

He had been carrying on an affair with her for about 2 years. Mary says that nothing started until after she was 18, for what it's worth. However, all of this came to light when she got pregnant and came to our family.

Roy wanted her to abort, but she wasn't comfortable with that, and he convinced her to go with adoption instead. Obviously, this caused major trouble in his marriage.

Our family all came to know about Mary, and my partner and I actually ended up offering her a lot of support. We genuinely became friends with her as well. Mary is not in a position to be raising a child, and she's not really interested in motherhood.

However, my partner has had a little bit of baby fever, and she asked if we could be the ones to adopt Mary's kid. Our state actually makes private adoptions pretty straightforward, so we made the arrangements through an attorney.

Mary was happy about this, and we told her that we'd be glad to have her in the baby's life as it fits her ability to be around. Mary gave birth to our beautiful daughter, Sabrina, and Sabrina has been living with my partner and I ever since. Legally, I'm her mother.

My parents have been thrilled about this, because they love the idea of having their grandkid around. They've been a great help and are constantly helping us look after our daughter.

Roy, however, is severely unhappy about this, to say the least. He didn't want us to adopt Sabrina, and he says that her being around at family functions and in everyone's lives so much is upsetting to his wife.

They've reconciled, more or less, and she's kind of stuck with him(she’s been his SAHP since she was 20, and there are reasons why a divorce might not go well for her), but he says that Sabrina is a constant sore point.

Both Roy and his wife are resolutely child-free, and his wife had literally threatened to divorce him if he attempted to gain custody over Sabrina. Roy says that there were a million other ways that my partner or I could have gotten a baby, and that it was selfish and AH-ish to force “His mistresses baby” back into his life after he was trying to repair things.

He's repeatedly pointed out that my partner still thinks she might want to get pregnant at some point soon and the fact that I haven't denied that I might be pregnant someday as reasons why we should have let Sabrina go to some other family “where she won't automatically cause trouble”.

He is also not only upset about Sabrina being in the family, but about Mary being around too. He really hates her, because he feels like she tried to baby trap him. This couldn't be further from the truth, as she never wanted to keep the baby one way or another.

As to how she got pregnant, they were using condoms, and he thought she was also on birth control. Mary has admitted that she lied about being on BC, because she didn't like the side effects and he was using condoms anyway.

She admits this was dumb. She's pretty sure she got pregnant when Roy got kind of lazy / impatient and used the same condom for a second round. Roy is absolutely furious at her, and thinks that she did it on purpose, but she didn't, and besides that she was like 19 or something and obviously not the one at fault here.

He's upset about the fact that we don't plan on keeping his paternity a secret when Sabrina is old enough to ask questions, and he has repeatedly said that his “problem” was “solved” and we “unsolved it”.

Roy used to be our parents favorite. He has a very prestigious, very high paying job, he's their firstborn son, and until they accepted that he and his wife were truly serious about being child-free, they figured he was their best chance at grandkids. I, on the other hand was always kind of the family weirdo, and my parents have never really understood my personality.

While they haven't been homophobic or anything, I sometimes gotten the vibe that they were a little disappointed I was mostly dating women and settled down with another woman, and that they might have been hoping my sexuality was just a phase and that I'd eventually settle down with a man.

Now, however, Roy has gotten tons of flack from them, and they've been practically showering my partner and me with love and support. He is clearly very, very jealous.

Roy has sad that I brought Sabrina into a messed up family situation and that I should have let her have a chance at going to a normal household, and he has come dangerously close to implying that It's wrong of me to be raising her in a non-married, semi-open relationship between two women rather than in a traditional, married, heterosexual household.

I've told him that he can shove his implications, and that any part of this that's a problem for him is his own damn fault. Everyone loves Sabrina, and as far as I'm concerned, if that causes problems for Roy and his wife, then that's on them. Some of my friends / acquaintances have expressed limited sympathy for Roy and said that they can understand how I'm messing up his life though, but I disagree.

The affair happened, and I don't feel like he should be relying on his wife forgetting about it by just keeping it out of sight and out of mind like she's a goldfish or something. AITA for adopting my brother's affair daughter?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:


Did I read correctly? Roy's wife is a stay at home partner but they have no children together? She doesn't work? Well, this situation might be a wake up call for her to get some form of job lol.


…b/c it won’t be Roy’s last affair.


It seems like he thought this whole pregnancy and affair could be just swept under the rug. Instead of showing accountability and responsibility for the affair and baby, he's trying to distract everyone by blaming onto others such as you and your partner and the baby, which Sabrina is a beautiful name assuming it's a real name.

Your brother sounds like he's emotionally immature and lacks any depth for being remorseful for his mistakes of grooming a very young and impressionable teen and then impregnating her because of his carelessness; instead, he wants to move on like it never happened when there is proof that it did. NTA and your brother needs to grow up.

p.s. I would ask a professional therapist how to handle the discussion with Sabrina how her Uncle is really her Father. That might be some confusion there and she might need some help understanding that as she gets older. Plus, I don't think your brother will ever be warm and fuzzy towards her so she'll have some issues with that type of rejection.


Roy is the last person who gets a "say" in this unless he wants to exert his parental rights. I think it's a great idea as the child will actually have blood ties to you! I feel for his wife but he FAAFO I guess so screw his opinions on this! He better get on board or his child will resent and hate him! That would be the worst result out of this. Good luck!


Disagree and ESH from me. Of all the children in the world this is the one you picked and you intend to keep her mother around and you intend to reveal her father to her when her father wants none of that and it’s causing marital problems.

Roy is an AH for sure but you’re doing your damnest to make things worse for him. Sabrina could have ended up with another family just as loving as yours so you’re not necessarily doing something heroic for her either. The only person not the AH here is the wife who will have a constant reminder of her husband’s affair and none of you deserve her.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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