Man rejects potential partners over jealousy of his late wife; 'they expect me to pretend she never existed.' AITA?
"AITA for agreeing with my widowed BIL about potential partners?"
Emotional-Base-5988
So it's been just slightly over 2 years since my sister passed away, which devastated all of us but especially my brother in law who I'll refer to here as "Yaz", as well as their children.
So Yaz has been trying to get back into dating (which me, my brother and my mom all think is a good idea) but he was telling me how he keeps cutting off potential partners because they compare themselves to my sister or expect him to stop associating with us and basically pretend she never existed.
My initial reaction to this was feeling like he's in the right. I mean like, they didn't break up, she simply died. The love isn't going anywhere, not to mention that they were together for well over a decade, literally since I was a child and we all consider him to be our family regardless of blood.
I referred to him as my BIL here to avoid confusion but call him just my brother to everyone else and he also couldn't imagine taking his children away from their grandmother.
I feel like it shows a great deal of emotional immaturity to feel jealous of a deceased person, and seriously unhinged tendencies to expect him to remove any trace of her existence from his life, neglecting to realize that his children will always be a reminder of her (He literally cut off one girlfriend for suggesting that the kids should call her mom to "make the transition easier").
I think I might be TA because like, he's let go of like 4 potential girlfriends for this reason and I think he was right in doing so. However, she was MY sister so I'm almost certain my opinion is biased. I also really don't want to be that in-law that keeps him from finding another partner so I came here for an objective viewpoint.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
jane_cupcake
Yaz is right to cut off anyone who demands he erase your sister from his life. If they can’t handle the reality of his past, they’re clearly not mature enough for a relationship with him. Stick to your guns on this one.
sassyladyyy
NTA. It's completely understandable for your BIL to still have love and memories of your sister and to want to include her in his life and his children's lives. Those potential partners who can't handle that are the ones who are emotionally immature and not ready for a relationship with someone who has a strong and loving past.
Your support for your BIL is admirable and shows that you truly care about his well-being. Keep being a loving and supportive family member, and don't let anyone make you feel like you're in the wrong for doing so.
Faar1984
NTA, those women need to understand that your sister sadly passed away and she always will have a special place in his heart. If they can't deal with that, they are not worth your BIL.
Emotional-Base-5988 (OP)
And that's another thing, like he's genuinely such a good dude and I'll always love him for how happy he made my sister or how good of a father he is to my nieces and nephews. I just hate that he keeps running into all these nutcases :/
pinkyyylatte
NTA, your brother-in-law has every right to keep his connection to his late wife and continue to be a part of your family. Anyone who can't understand or respect that is clearly not the right person for him. Keep supporting him and finding someone who can accept and embrace his past is the best thing for him and his children.
jadehakai
NTA. There are kids involved. He can't, and shouldn't, just... cut you out of THEIR lives because of someone passing. His potential partners are being selfish. You're family- blood links to the mother of his children.
And the kids deserve the chance to know what they can. There will be things you can share about their mom that he never had a chance to know. My dad's new wife ERADICATED all traces of my mother from dad's home when she moved in.
Pictures, all the furniture, the paint colors- a whole house gut. And the heirlooms my brother and I didn't have space to save (living in apartments and dorms at the time) were thrown away. So chances are good your BIL may run into more people like the girlfriends he's let go of.
Emotional-Base-5988 (OP)
Jesus dude I'm sorry that happened. I can't imagine that that did any favors for your relationship with either of them to be honest.
IndividualDevice9621
YTA for even asking the question. He's obviously right, just because he struck out 4 times doesn't mean he should disrespect his dead wife and traumatize his children. Moron.