'AITA for allowing my husband to walk out when our children make him angry?'
"AITA for allowing my husband to walk out when our children make him angry?"
I made a new account just to ask this question, because I really don’t feel like I am TA or making a mistake here. Please let me know. My husband (m29) and I (f27) met in college, and have been together for 7 years. We have been married for 5. We have two children, a 4 year old and a 2 year old (both boys), our third is due in just a few months (our first girl!).
My husband is a very kind man but he does have a history of a rough childhood. This was one of the first things he told me - his father was very physically abusive towards his mother, him, and his brother. In turn it made my husband a very angry teenager.
However my husband made the decision to put himself in therapy and become a better person at 19 years old. Like I said me and him have been together for 7 years and he has never so much as raised his voice towards me. He is kind, empathetic, and extremely gentle with me and now, our children too.
Our kids though, are little hellions. Obviously I adore my sons and I wouldn’t trade them or motherhood for anything in the world, but some days are easier than others. I think every parent feels that way some time or another.
Because of this, when my husband finds himself frustrated or angry, he will simply remove himself from the situation. He broke down and admitted to me that when the kids screech, argue, or are destructive, he gets angry. He is so scared of being like his father that he just leaves.
He takes a “breather." Sometimes this is just in our bedroom, sometimes he leaves and goes to the gas station just to drive. He always come back within 20 mins and brings me back a treat for having enough patience to deal with them lol. This only happens once in a while. For the most part he handles it well and my sons love their dad so much.
The other day I mentioned this to my mother, who was appalled. She told me this is absolutely unacceptable and that my husband needs to figure out a way to regulate his emotions while still helping me with the kids. My sister agreed.
I personally have no problem with this and I really was going to write it off, but my mother said that my kids probably think their dad is walking away because he doesn’t care. And she even went as far as to say my husband probably doesn’t care. But I don’t know, I actually think this is a good thing. AITA for thinking this?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
peakpenguins said:
NTA. It would be one thing if he were leaving for hours at a time, but taking a 20 minute breather to calm down seems perfectly fine to me. And more importantly, you're the one in this relationship, not your mother or sister.
petulafaerie_III said:
NTA. He’s dealing with it in a super reasonable way. Your mother and sister need to mind their business. What would they prefer? That he deliberately left himself in a situation he knows he can’t completely handle and lets it escalate into a bad place?
Your mother has made something up in her head about your husband not caring and has decided it’s reality. It’s not. His actions are clearly those of a person who cares very deeply. Your husband probably should go back to therapy though, to help him maintain the progress he’s made in the new and stressful time of parenthood.
youmustb3jokn said:
Nta. I think in time his inability to be present during these times will lessen. I think leaving is way better than abusing the kids because you loose control. Maybe he can go to therapy to work on better coping parenting skills.
paperroof23 said:
Your husband HAS figured out a way to regulate his emotions. However maybe he’d be open to teaming up with you to try some new parenting strategies. You want your children to learn too.
Its_Just_A_Name_ said:
NTA. If this works for your family, keep it going. He is recognizing his anger and processing it to the best of his ability, and that is HUGE. His father couldn't get that far, so he is world's better. I bet it wouldn't be a huge deal if he had to go poop for an hour.
Another plus is he is being open and honest with you. So many toxic males would never admit they need therapy or have feelings. Communication is in my top 3 most important attributes of a healthy relationship, and it sounds like you guys have it going on! Good for you!
budackee_10 said:
NTA. You're awesome for understanding and meeting his emotional needs. It's neither hurting your parenting relationship or your marriage, right?
nafarba57 said:
He sounds like a good man who is trying very hard to regulate his triggers, which he acquired through no fault of his own (parental abuse). Taking a breather is far better than yelling, hitting and dominating, which only breeds resentment and rebellion in the kids. NTA.
ContributionOrnery29 said:
NTA. I would call his behavior as described advisable if anything, so yes it's a good thing. I would also suggest you are slightly YTA for not shutting down that criticism. Would you be okay with him just listening quietly to his parents while they imply you're a bad mother?