'AITA for asking a student for a death certificate?'
"AITA for asking a student for a death certificate?"
I’m a math instructor at a community college. My course is graded on four components: attendance, a project, a midterm, and a final. This situation concerns one student, Bethany.
Early in the semester, Bethany emailed me and told me that her grandmother had suddenly passed away. She asked for a 2-week extension on her project and a 1-week exemption from attendance to grieve. I immediately granted her those accommodations, no questions asked.
Fast forward to a bit later in the semester. The day before the midterm, Bethany emailed me again and told me that her cousin had died in an accident. Once again, she asked for a 1-week exemption from attendance to grieve and if she could take the midterm in 2 weeks instead. And once again, I granted her those accommodations.
However, the main issue arose a few weeks ago. Bethany emailed me telling me that her grandfather passed away and asking (once again) if she could take the final 2 weeks from its scheduled date (which would be after the semester ended) and be exempted from attendance for the rest of the semester.
This is when I started getting suspicious. Obviously, I know it’s possible for 3 family members to die within the span of a few months, but it’s highly unlikely. And I’ve heard of things like this happening before.
Students lie to their professors in order to get extensions. Also, if I accepted her story, I’d have to convert the final to an online format and proctor it during my break, which I really didn’t want to do.
I wanted to make sure Bethany was telling the truth, so I emailed her back saying that I was sorry for her loss, but that I would need a death certificate or an obituary for verification.
If she provided that, I would be more than willing to grant her the accommodations. Bethany emailed back and said she didn’t have either of those because her grandfather lived in another country and she doesn’t have access to them.
I told her that unfortunately, without some verification, I can’t grant her the accommodations and she’d still need to attend lecture and take the final on its scheduled date. She never responded and ended up taking the final when she was supposed to.
I was talking about this situation with my sister over Christmas, and she immediately started telling me off. She said that it’s cruel to ask a student to provide proof of death and force them to be away from their family when they’re grieving.
She also said that even if Bethany is lying, she’s clearly struggling with something and I should’ve responded with kindness. I said that I’ve was as lenient as I could’ve been — I already gave her extensions and excused her absences. Also, Bethany’s never attended office hours or asked for extra help, so if she was floundering, she had options she chose not to take.
My sister wouldn’t hear it and kept saying how she couldn’t believe I was this heartless. But I don’t think it’s heartless to want to ensure a student isn’t lying to get a leg up. Was I really the AH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I hope she doesn’t have any more classes with you. Her family won’t survive another semester. /s
NTA. Lost 2 family members within weeks of one another so you're right, it does happen. However, the interesting thing about your students losses are, they're conveniently around the time of scheduled assignments/exams.
Claiming she has no access to an obituary because it's in another country is a weak excuse giveanthe access we all have on the I ternet to find and view these things, she could have sent a link to you, but she didn't. She is pissed she got caught in a lie and had to complete the work as scheduled.
NTA. Once, twice, I get it. Three times is one too many, and I’d be suspicious too. If part of her final grade is tied to attendance, then she’s abusing your goodwill. Asking for proof of a deceased relative is not out of order in this case.
My FIL passed a few years back during the Xmas Holiday time. To get time off for the funeral to support my wife and her daughter, I needed a copy of the death certificate. It is not unusual to ask for this sort of verification. A pain? Yes. I was paying the price of someone lying in the past. Don’t fret about it.
NTA I think Bethany is a 100% lying here. However, I do think approaching the student and confronting her about the amount of sudden deaths in her family would have been more productive. Having an honest conversation on why she might have needed more time could have been good. But I do believe you were quite lenient here.
NTA. I've had professors who would have required proof the first time. She was taking advantage of your compassion and trust. Your sister is applying her own values to an unknown stranger; that's a rookie mistake. Never assume someone else would behave like you (or in this case, like your sister). Not everyone is decent.
NTA, students can be shameless while lying to get out of stuff. I have a lot of them so I don't always verify things unless it really disrupts my lessons or impacts my grading, but I've heard some wild stuff. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt but like. That's the fourth grandmother you've lost Timmy, at least kill off a different family member for a change.
NTA. I get wanting to be understanding, but it’s kinda suspicious for three family members to pass away in such a short time. You gave her extensions already, but if she’s lying, you gotta protect yourself. You’re just doing your job.