'AITA for asking my dad to think of our grief when planning his wedding to new fiancé?'
"AITA for asking my dad to think of our grief of our mom when planning his wedding to new fiancé?"
2 years ago my mom died from cancer. She was very young, in her late 50s. My parents were married and happy, of course it was so hard for all us. In under a year, he met a new woman and then months later announce they’re engaged. It’s a short engagement, about 8-9 months from getting engaged till the actual wedding.
I do understand a lot of people (seemingly more widowed men from stories l've others have told me) find someone very quickly and often be remarried before a year even, so l'm trying not to be naive here.
For my siblings and l, it has been a little strange as for us as we are still processing the death of our mother but also the new fiance is only a few years older than me and my sister who are the eldest.
We've tried our best to make an effort to be happy for him and be welcoming to her, all while processing our grief. My issue is that he so wrapped up with his new fiancé that he’s forgotten we are still grieving. To the point that on the 2 year anniversary of our mom's death, 3 of us got their wedding invite in the mail while the others the day after.
It hurt all of us that they didn’t think about this date in the days/week leading up to it, but I decided to leave it as I didn't want to taint their joy. He sent a message to my grandma (my mom's mom) out of the blue after no contact since the funeral, (I was with my grandma at the time) asking for their address so he could send them an invite the day after the anniversary, hence we were with my grandparents to support each other.
Not asking how they were at this time/how they were coping with loss of their daughter/whether they’d be ok with an invite...just stating they were being invited and he needed their address.
My dear grandma said she’d like to attend for our sake, though my grandad refused point blank and was too upset to talk further. A month later me and my sisters were added to the hen do WhatsApp group with all new fiancé's friends all now chatting excitedly and planning the hen.
For us that was another pang of heartache, as we are only in this position coz our mum (pretty recently) died. Here's where l'm wondering if AlTA...I sent my dad a message to say I'm happy for him but feel they've not though about our grief and would've liked to be asked first before being added to a hen group.
But most importantly remember certain dates, i.e. the anniversary, and not send wedding invites in the days/week before this time. He replied saying "sorry l'm not being thoughtful enough.l'll make sure to check with you beforehand." Not it might've been insensitive to send his kids wedding invites just before the anniversary.
I said I don’t want him to run everything by me, just remember we’re grieving. Then he blamed the post and said that it wasn't their fault it arrived on the day. Now I think he's avoiding me. So, AITA for putting a dampener on their wedding by highlighting our grief?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
coastalkid92 said:
NTA. It's not unreasonable on your part to feel shaken by your dad's behavior. You and your siblings are grieving your mum but you can't really even lean on your dad because he's done a speed run at dating.
And now on top of your grief, you're trying to figure out two new family dynamics, the one where your mum is gone and the one where your dad has a new, young wife.
I think your response to him was completely appropriate. Do I think the post thing was a mishap? Probably. But it doesn't hurt to ask him to be a bit more mindful where he can.
Naive_Pay_7066 said:
NTA. Your dad is so focused on his own feelings he’s forgotten (or didn’t ever realize in the first place) that his children are grieving. In addition, his upcoming wedding is likely a way for him to avoid his grief and pain. How well it will work, only time will tell.
Your dad did a sh%tty thing and got called out on it. Instead of copping to it, he’s turned defensive and tried to make it your fault (and the post’s fault which doesn’t hold up given the call to your gran the next day). Whether you decide to let him off the hook or not is your call. Talking to the fiancée about it might be an option?
I’m sorry for your loss. My mum died at 62 and her partner (of three years so different to a spouse of decades) started dating within months of her death. Fortunately I have no reason to remain in contact with him so I am not confronted with his actions every day.
TMG269 said:
NTA. Sorry but your dad is a huge ahole for this imo. It's cool if he find someone else, and pretty fast after your mom death. Good for him, really, but it's not hard to understand and respect the fact that the rest of the family might still be very affected and still be processing the death of a loved one.
Especially his own children, who lost their mother, and his parents, who lost their daughter. I mean no sh%t your grandad refused the invite and got upset for it, I would have smack the sh%t out your dad if I was him...That's beyond disrespectful.
Any-Rip-8105 said:
NTA. Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. I am very close with my mom, and I can not even imagine the pain you are experiencing. Secondly, I will say something that you and other people will probably disagree with and will hurt you, but here it is.
I think your father never actually cared for your mother in a healthy way (cheating and abuse during their marriage, now moving on quickly after her death). I believe you should accept that, and with that in mind, you should approach his relationship with his current partner.
He put your mother through a lot of humiliation during her life and what you should do is remember her and try to preserve all the memories you have of her (pictures and videos, you should go with the people who cared for her to visit her favorite places, listen to her favorite music, watch her favorite movies). He might start erasing her from your home and it would be good to save everything of hers.
Asking your father to think about your feelings is pointless because he didn't care about your mom or you while cheating. Don't talk to him about how all of this is hurting you because he will turn around and say how selfish you are. So don't give him a reason to blame you for anything.
Regarding the wedding, I would approach it like a task/homework and try not to get emotionally involved. Answer only when you are asked directly and do it the way he wants it. Don't be rude, just do it, and once everything is done or when it gets too much, surround yourself with people who want to remember your mother and do something that would make her smile.
Llink3483 said:
NTA. I am very sorry for your loss, this must be a very difficult time for you. You are not asking him to not get married nor do you seem to be hostile about the fact that he is remarrying. You have simply made your feelings known and asked them to respect that which considering the insensitive actions (intended or not) is completely fair enough.
If you are to consider his feelings in wanting to get remarried to move on he should consider yours in doing what you have asked. Everybody is trying to learn how to navigate life with grief, it is different for everybody and the path is not easy or clear. The best we can all do is support each other as best we can. And for that to happen feelings need to be communicated. I hope you can all work through this.
IF he is more concerned about this being a dampener to the wedding then there is the bigger issues of your feelings being second to his new life. I hope that is not true and everything works out.
Final_Figure_7150 said:
NTA. I'm really sorry this is happening. Your dad is so wrapped up in " moving on " / with a much younger fiancée as well ... / That he completely disregarded everyone else in the process.
Not sending out invitations so close to the anniversary is just basic logistics, but he just didn't think. He can blame the post all he wants , but the truth is, the fact this might be painful for you or his late wife's parents, just didn't occur to him. He is building a new life and the old life is now gone, done.
His fiancée also didn't at all consider that whilst for her this is an exciting time and she's free to start planning the hen with her mates, her future husband's children are still navigating their grief from losing their mother.
They are both just self centered, inconsiderate people, and you need to protect your own well-being at this point. Your dad already told you where he stands...Maybe once the dust settles and the excitement of the new relationship wears off, you can have a frank conversation with him about this, but right now, I think, all you'd get is half apologies.