'AITA for asking my brother if he was gay after I saw him blush at a male waiter?'
Making peace with your queerness can take a lot of time, even if you have a supportive family.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for straight up asking his teen brother if he's gay when they were out at dinner. He wrote:
"AITA for asking my brother if he was gay?"
I (20M) took my brother (15M) out to eat yesterday. I try to do this at least once or twice a month since I don't live at home anymore. The problem is when we were at the restaurant my brother couldn't keep his eyes off of the waiter and kept stuttering when he tried to place his order. I noticed him looking at the waiter wherever he went and was even full on staring at him when he was at another table.
The first time I caught him I didn't say anything until about the third time. I decided to ask him if he was gay because I always suspected it and the way he was looking at the waiter just made me even more suspicious. However, when I asked him that he just kinda paused and told me that he wasn't. He then asked me if he was gay would I have a problem with it and I told him that I wouldn't.
After that, we just kinda dropped it and carried on as usual. I kinda forgot about the situation until he called me earlier today crying. He called me crying and asked why I thought he was gay and If he gives off a gay vibe. I was essentially caught off guard by this and tried to calm him down and explain to him that he didn't give off that vibe and I was just wondering hoping that would calm him down.
After a while, he stopped crying and calmed down but kept repeating to make sure that I understood that he wasn't gay and didn't like boys. I apologized to him and told him that it wasn't my intention to offend him and I told him that I understand that he's straight. I told him that I'll love him either way so wouldn't matter anyway.
After that we kinda hung up and after our conversation I felt bad for making him cry. He didn't show that he had a problem with it until today so it must've bothered him at the restaurant too. Was it wrong of me to ask?
People shared their thoughts in the comment section.
Big_Zucchini_9800 wrote:
NAH. You maybe didn't handle it with finesse, but your heart was in the right place and you wanted to be supportive. If he is straight some day you'll laugh about this. I'll be honest though: that kid is queer as hell. Most of my queer friends in high school went through a phase of trying to be extra straight and it often ended in crying fits.
I think in that moment he might have been terrified that you could somehow read his mind about the waiter and it freaked him the f#$k out and now he's worried everyone else suspects it too, when he doesn't yet understand or accept it himself. When you have that secret (I had it too) it is TERRIFYING that someone might figure it out before you, and what they might think of you then.
You've told him you'd support him either way, now you need to back off and make a nice comfy landing pad for him. Don't pressure him, don't bring it up, casually mention once a month MAX something hat relates to something queer in a way that makes it clear you still support it.
Maybe make up a gay friend with a boyfriend you're excited to meet for brunch or something, or watch the gay Hallmark Christmas movies, but DON'T relate any of it to him in ANY way. Just be a quiet safe space for him.
Dramatic_Journalist4 wrote:
I can see both sides of it. When I received those types of questions at that age, it made me panicky. I wasn’t ready to address it. At the same time, I know other people didn’t know this. So I think it’s fair that you were curious about it, but to people that actually are gay and working through it, it’s a big deal and not something they’d probably just throw out there over dinner.
ctheos wrote:
NAH. What's important is that you're supportive of him regardless. Obviously you could have been more tactful when you asked him lmao but whats done is done. Whether he's gay or not, society puts a lot of pressure on people to act a certain way. I think reaffirming that you love him and that he should just be his authentic self regardless of his sexuality is important.
He might be crying because someone in his life, the media hes consuming, etc is making him feel bad about his personality, mannerisms, sexuality, etc. Just to reiterate, I think the best thing you could do as his brother is remind him that you'll always be there for him regardless.
ALSO to clarify: I don't think you made your brother cry. Your brother cried because for some reason, the thought of being perceived as gay terrifies him. My educated guess is that he feels immensely pressured to be seen as straight, which is concerning. I don;t think you're in the wrong, and I don't think you made him cry.
StasyaSam wrote:
My first guess is: friends and school mates. He's 15, a teenager, all that matters is how others think about him. Being gay is sadly a big stain on someone's reputation. Shouldn't be, but depending where they live, what kind of people are going to the same school.
When I was his age, I'd give a s**t on everyone's opinion and my friend group was supportive (and from my view today, at least two of them were queer as hell) but even I didn't come out back then. All you can do is being supportive and wait till he is ready to come out by himself.
Shontsu wrote:
There's a reason its called "coming out of the closet" and not "getting dragged out of the closet." I don't think you had harmful intent, but this was not the right way to address it.
Anon_Bunn wrote:
YTA, but you aren’t a bad person. Try practicing more empathy. If you were in his shoes, if someone confronted you that way after noticing your behavior and did so while in a public space, how would you feel?
It’s clear that you are able to have empathy after the fact, but learning to use it before speaking is a skill that takes practice ❤️ I don’t think anything is damaged here permanently. But yeah, you messed up bud!
Honest-Cow-1086 wrote:
Hmm…as a gay adult, I’d say that was a bit of an arsehole move to state so blatantly to a young kid something which is very sensitive and which he is probably struggling with. If you were really close you could have just made a joke - “look, I get the waiter is hot, but you need to chill with the ogling.” That way you’re not confronting him, but showing you have no issues if he likes the guy.