'AITA for asking my partner to move to Canada while I’m pregnant?'

"AITA for asking my partner to move to Canada while I’m pregnant?"

My partner (32 M, Australian with a British citizenship) and I (31 F, Canadian with a British citizenship) live in the UK. I am 9 and a half weeks pregnant. We have always talked about moving to Canada or Australia when we have kids.

He has always been very excited about the idea of moving to Canada and says he believes I need to be near my family more than he needs to be near his.

Now that I’m pregnant, the need to be near my family is overwhelming. It has changed dramatically.

I didn’t know it would feel like this but I feel incredibly lonely and an intense pull to be near them. My partner is willing to move to Canada but says that logically, it can’t happen until after the baby is born which I understand although it is going to be hard. But he also says it may not happen for a few years after that.

But I need the support now, or at the very least, shortly after the baby comes.

It’s also important to note that for the past 18 months, I’ve been experiencing some significant health issues that impact me daily and my family have offered to support me while I try to recover.

My family have also offered to build an extension on their home as a flat for us to live in with the baby while we save for a house. My partner refuses to do this and says if he’s willing to move to Canada, he shouldn’t have to live in the attachment if he doesn’t want to. But this would mean I’d have support with the baby and we could save for a house while living in free accommodation.

The alternative is living alone in our rented flat in the UK with no support which doesn’t seem to me like the better option for the baby.

I do understand that he’d be making a sacrifice by moving to Canada, but shouldn’t our baby’s needs and future come first? AITA here?

Edit: Thank you so much for all the comments! I appreciate hearing from both sides. I’m sorry for not replying to every comment! Currently at work and did not expect so many replies! Thank you again.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

smallish-bearduck wrote:

INFO: what is the reason your partner gives for not being able to move now, or for potentially years after the baby comes?

OP responded:

He says it will take too much planning.

hopeful-earth-757 wrote:

While for you it may sound like a great idea to live with your parents, believe me living with your in-laws is a lot less appealing. Also while having occasional support from parents after the baby arrives is nice it is also annoying as hell when they are trying to raise it for you and do not listen to how you'd like to raise your child. This would be multiple times worse if living in what is basically their house.

OP responded:

I think that’s what he’s concerned about yeah.

vivid-course7449 wrote:

Neither are really AH in this situation. You are NTA for wanting family support, but you also have to realise you've dropped a bomb on your husband. You've gone from "we'll probably move to Canada/aus when we have kids" to "actually we have to move to Canada, I want to do it right now and we won't have anywhere of our own to live."

How long do you think it would take your parents to build the extension? They'll have to get things drawn up, submit for approval, get granted, get it built. It would take a solid year to build that kind of extension here without any hiccups.

Your husband presumably has a job? He will have a notice period he has to work and he'd have to find a job in Canada before you move. And he isn't a citizen so he'd presumably need to go through immigration procedures which again take time. Also you need to think about the fact you're saying you have no support. That your family will help you.

What about him? Is it possible he's feeling panicked at the prospect of suddenly abandoning his home, job, friends, everything and moving into an extension with your family he probably doesn't know that well and is terrified he's going to have a child and be completely shut out by your family taking over?

He's right. An international move where he is not a citizen takes significant time and planning. You need to go through the steps and he needs to step up and be your support right now. And ask your family to come visit shortly after baby is born and stay a while.

Rikutopas wrote:

For asking, no. For insisting, or just up and going without him, yes. You don't mention if this pregnancy was planned or not, and you don't need to, but of course if you and your partner had planned to raise your kids in a different country than the UK the ideal time to plan and execute that move was before you got pregnant.

You don't have much time but you still have some time. So you two need to talk. The priority has to he the welfare of your little family of three, now in the short term and later on too.

Some things to think about:

The newborn days are hard but don't last forever. Don't make long term plans based entirely on the first four months.

There are many ways to build a network of support. Maybe some family could take an extended holiday to the UK after the birth. Maybe your partner could take extended parental leave. Maybe there are support networks in the UK. You didn't mention what part of the UK. My cousin had her two kids in Scotland and they ate extremely supportive of new parents.

You say your family is "willing to build an extension" but this is still a promise, not a reality and even if they started on it immediately it takes time to build something. In that same time you and he could find a home that is close enough to support for you to feel comfortable but not directly in their home.

If your family is willing to pay to build an entirely new wing of their home, perhaps that money is better spent as a down payment on a separate home.

Both of you are new parents, not just you. If he is willing to move to your country that is already a sacrifice on his side. Asking him to live with your parents seems a step too far for me.

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

secret-oreo wrote:

ESH…and this may be the unpopular opinion here but hear me out. Your SO (Australian with British citizenship) can’t just move to Canada without any planning. In current state he can only stay up to 6 month on a visitors VISA.

You on the other hand, as a Canadian citizen are free to move back home whenever you please without any planning. You will have to go through common law spousal application which you can check the current processing times on IRCC but in general can take up to 18 months.

He is correct that planning needs to be done, BUT planning can start today. I suggest to get in touch with an immigration lawyer to understand all the different pathways and the best one for your SO to take. (From a Canadian who’s SO from the UK went through IRCC to get a work permit and is now a PR).