'AITA for asking my sister and BIL to move out three years after a family tragedy?' UPDATED

"AITA for asking my sister and BIL to move out after three years of supporting them after family tragedy?"

About 3 years ago, my sister and her husband lost their three young children in a really bad car accident. My sister barely survived but pulled through. They had two daughters who were 8 and 6 and a 3 year old son. I won’t go into specifics.

My sister and I are 10 months apart and have always been extremely close. At the time of my nieces and nephews deaths, I was living alone in a 3 bedroom home and offered for them to live with me. They were both, understandably, too unable to function to go back to work and we all needed each other. I didn’t want them to have to worry about money or losing their home after what had happened.

I’ve supported them emotionally and financially pretty much ever since it happened. They both refuse to go to therapy, and still both aren’t working. I have a good job, but it’s not an easily manageable thing, and I really didn’t expect it to go on so long.

About a year and a half ago, I met my current fiancé. We clicked immediately and got engaged six months later. We’re due to get married next October. I’ve been trying to drop hints to my sister about wanting my house back to myself to live in with my fiancé but she’s not picked up on it. My fiancé has grown increasingly frustrated with me, saying I’m very obviously being taken advantage of.

Last weekend, I straight up told my sister I needed to talk to her, and told her that I wanted my house back and to live with my partner alone before getting married and starting to have children. She got upset and went running to our mom, who called me an asshole for not considering how my sister would feel about that. It hasn’t been mentioned since, but both my sister and BIL are hardly talking to me. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

NUT-me-SHELL said:

NTA. Three years is long enough. If they still aren’t ready to go out on their own, your mother can take them in.

[deleted] said:

NTA What are their plans for the future besides to mooch off of you? It's been 3 years. It's completely fair for you to ask them what their plans are. Yes they went through something horrible, but you have been incredibly accommodating and have given them lots of time to heal. Giving you silent treatment in your own home is unacceptable.

indignant-loris said:

"I’ve been trying to drop hints ... but she’s not picked up on it." Oh, she has. She's just ignoring them. "my sister and BIL are hardly talking to me." Unacceptable when they are mooching off you. Your mother can take them if she's so concerned. They should have offered to leave when you got serious with your fiancé. Of course you want to live alone with him. NTA

SteakMenu said:

NTA if your mother is so concerned with your sisters feelings she can let them stay there

ahender8 said:

NTA. and furthermore they will likely never break out of this cycle unless they are forced to in the long run this will be much better for them (maybe have a talk with your mom so she understands more clearly and doesn't become their next roommate)

MayorCharlesCoulon said:

NTA. They have suffered an unspeakable tragedy that will never leave them. Find a therapist for them to go to together and apart, many US counties have free mental health services for those without insurance or money. It might take some work, just keep calling the number until you get a response from a person. Explain the situation and make an appointment.

Tell them both you made the appointment and you are taking them. I have done this with a few people who were so depressed they couldn’t summon the energy to navigate the system but when approached with the actual appointment being made, followed up. Take them to the appointment and when they are done make sure they set up a follow-up and if not, do it for them.

Get your mom on board, in these cases, any action is a step in the right direction. They are suffering still but continuing to hide away and immersing themselves in grief for years will never bring them peace. Working through grief is torture and theirs is unimaginable but they (unfortunately probably in their minds) did not die with their children and burying themselves will not ease their pain.

Like I said, get online and ask around if your area for therapists specializing in grief counseling. Make the appointment and give them an ultimatum that if they don’t go, they have to move out immediately. Tell them if they go, they can stay until (pick a date). In the meantime, start finding alternative living arrangements for them.

Can your mom let them move in, are there church friends with a space they could “rent” for 6 months until they get in their feet? What did they do before the accident? Look around for similar jobs and give them a list.

I think they are overwhelmed by the idea of moving on and all the details so you are probably going to have to do the groundwork and push them a little to move forward. Get your mom and any family and friends to take a role in the planning. It takes a village for a lot of things and this is one of them. You’re a wonderful sister, good luck!

Verdict: NTA.

OP later shared this update:

Thank you all for the comments and messages I’ve received over the last day, they’ve really been appreciated. I had a talk with my sister last night and it began the usual way, with her avoiding the situation. I told her if she left and wasn’t able to have an adult conversation I’d be forced to either take legal action or sell the house, both empty threats but it worked.

She broke down, told me she knew she needed help but didn’t want to accept it and that she’d be willing to go even if her husband doesn’t. I haven’t talked to her much about leaving but her admitting she needs help is a huge step so I’m not going to push for more just yet. Thank you for all your help :)