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Woman criticizes sister for dreaming of motherhood like hers; 'you're too poor.' AITA?

Woman criticizes sister for dreaming of motherhood like hers; 'you're too poor.' AITA?

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AITA for asking my sister not to have a baby?

I apologize if this is long and rambling. I just got off the phone and my nerves are shot. I (38f) called my sister (41f) and asked her to please reconsider TTC. She has been trying for almost 3 years, is on welfare/social aid and permanently disabled. She cannot afford a child and is always running Gofundme campaigns on Facebook.

I just found out my older brother was funding her for years before he cut her off. She's not married or partnered, she owns a unsuccessful online business and just keeps soliciting sperm donations from random men online.

We have always had open finances with each other since we were homeless together in our 20s. It was ok to borrow cash here or there. There was no expectations to pay it back, just be willing to do the same if the other asked in the future.

I ended up marrying someone (37) significantly wealthier with a upper-middle class family. I went from being on social aid myself to being able to live comfortably and stop working to pursue a college degree (I only have a high school diploma while my partner has a couple masters. Everyone in their family has multiple masters or PhDs and high paying careers).

It went from an exchange of small amounts in times of need between siblings as we were both relatively on the same socioeconomic level, to the point where she was constantly texting or calling for funds. She even directly called or texted my partner sometimes.

I was so used to giving and asking for money from her in the past that it didn't register that it had become one sided and she was asking for larger amounts until my partner came back from talking to their financial advisor, sat me down, and showed me I'd been sending my sister hundreds of dollars a month, thousands just in 2024.

My partner and I agreed to only giving her $50 a month. She always asks for more. It's always an emergency. I can't seem to say no because I've been there. I know the struggle.

My partner and I just started TTC and it made us sit and discuss my sister. If she's constantly calling now, it's going to be worse/more pressure if she has a baby. My partners exact words to me were "I didn't agree to finance your sister or her future children when I married you." I agree.

I called her just now and asked her to please stop or at least reconsider TTC. I laid out how much she had asked for in the past 3-4 years since I got with my partner and if that was how much she asked for now, what was going to happen when she purposely became a single mother? She was going to call me and I'd feel obligated to help and that wasn't fair to me, my partner or the baby.

She got really angry with me and said she would use WIC and Social Aid. I told her that we both knew that didn't cover enough since we both were raised that way. She said I was looking down on her since I "married up" and that just because she was poor doesn't mean she shouldn't have children. She hung up the phone on me. Does this make me an AH?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

RockDrill

NTA - You are focusing on the wrong thing, you can't control her decisions only your own, but that doesn't make you an AH. For anyone wondering, TTC means 'trying to conceive'. Not sure why that needs an abbreviation in this context but anyway.

AJN256

NTA but you're being really unfair on your husband. Seriously, he didn't sign up to pay for your sister or her children. Honestly, if you keep giving into her demands, it's not unthinkable that a divorce might be on the table. Seriously, you need to cut her off. It's high time and you've done much more than enough.

Ready-Conflict-1887

No to mention he laid out his position already. He agreed to Marry OP, not finance her sister. If OP is having trouble saying no to her sister maybe she shouldn’t have the access to the finances till she get get some therapy and maybe go LC with her sister.

(OP)

I mentioned that I agreed with him. I wasn't aware of just how much it was until I saw the budget on paper.

You also mentioned you have trouble turning her down. Have you successfully said no and stopped paying for her?

(OP)

I did ignore a text requesting help with getting an oil change a few days ago and a call asking for $50 to go on a date to a festival last week. I'm trying. I know I've been being a doormat, but this is also the woman who practically raised me due to our mother being always at work or school to provide for us. I'm trying to shake the mindset that I "owe her" for sacrificing her childhood to raise us younger siblings.

ESH except your husband. Your sister for obvious reasons; she's been taking advantage of you for years and is actively trying to bring a child into a bad situation. You have not been supporting your sister, your husband has.

Honestly, you're also an AH for what you said to your sister, she's right that you don't have any right to dictate her reproductive choices and you were focused on entirely the wrong thing anyway.

The conversation you should have had with her, and one you need to have now, is not to beg her to change her own behaviour but to inform her that you are changing yours. She can do whatever she wants, its not your problem and you will not send her another penny.

Being in your sisters life out of a type of survivor’s guilt is going to ruin your marriage. Cut ties. Go nc. Cut her off and hopefully she’ll stop trying for a baby. YWBTA if you keep doing what you’re doing and letting your sister ruin your life.

My mom is a terrible woman who can’t hold onto money herself. For the longest time I don’t know or care if she’s still alive. Until she got back in life with other family. I escaped that life.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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