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'AITA for asking my wife to cover up at music festival in front of my brother?' UPDATED

'AITA for asking my wife to cover up at music festival in front of my brother?' UPDATED


"AITAH (30M) for asking my wife (26F) to cover up during EDM festival?"

So a little background, my wife has been going to EDM festivals since before we met. The music isn’t really my thing but I’ve attended several with her and always have a good time. When we attend these, to say she dresses skimpy is an understatement. Thongs, pasties, body paint, etc.

I was a little shocked at first but honestly, she looks incredible. I actually find it a bit of a turn on and don’t have any issues with it since I’m with her. My brother got married few months ago and his wife and my wife have become good friends, which is great. She even invited her, and by extension my brother, to the next festival we plan on attending, and she eagerly accepted. Herein lies the problem.

While I love my wife’s festival outfits when we’re amongst strangers, or festival friends that we only see once a year at the festival, I’m not comfortable at all with her wearing such outfits around my brother. I don’t think it’s appropriate.

I asked my wife if she would tone it down for the festival. I’m not saying dress like a nun but maybe not have your butt cheeks and breasts out. I told her I’d prefer my brother, who we see often, not to be able to so easily imagine her almost nude.

She said that she puts a lot of effort into her outfits and that it’s part of the experience for her. I said that’s fine, but then let’s just not go with my family. We could cancel and just go to another one by ourselves like normal.

She thinks that’s an unreasonable request and that I making a big deal out of nothing, She also said that canceling or disinviting my brother and SIL, would be incredibly rude and she was looking forward to attending with SIL. She says I’m being a controlling AH. Am I in the wrong here?

What do you think? AITA? This is what some top commenters had to say:

rummncokee said:

if you want your wife to dress differently so your brother doesn't perv on her -- you've said you don't trust him to not perv on her -- then that's a problem with him and not her. if he's out here being a creep that is an issue with his behavior and not with women's outfits.

bogwitch29 said:

You’re allowed to ask, and she’s allowed to say no.

Ace_boy08 said:

YTA you know your wife dresses for EDM festivals. You admit you like how she dresses. The only difference here is that you don't want your brother to perv on your wife. The issue is your brother. Take it up with him if he starts perving on your wife at the festival. You can ask your wife to change her outfit, and she can decline. Respect her choice.

HoshiJones said:

According to the comments I read, your problem is that your brother is going to perv on your wife because of her outfit. So a better title for your dilemma would be: "AITA for policing what my wife wears so my a$$hole brother is less likely to perv on her?" YTA.

Verdict: YTA.

Two days after his original post, he shared this update:

I deleted the throwaway account of the original post but the gist of the original post is that my wife dresses very provocatively at these events when we go together, which I love, however she invited my brother and SIL to the next one without consulting me first.

I asked her to tone down the outfits since my brother will be in attendance, or cancel on them. She thought they were unreasonable requests and that I was being controlling. Many of you agreed and gave me much to think about. It still didn’t sit right with me though so I took another shot explaining my position a little better taking into account what people said to make a better argument.

So I came home from work and asked my wife to have another discussion about the issue as I was not sitting ok with how we left it. My wife started she was a little hurt that I called her outfits inappropriate and that it seemed like I thought she was doing something wrong. She said she just got really defensive and jumped into “nobody tells me what wear” mode instinctively.

She also was a little hurt that I wanted to shut down what she thought was a nice gesture. I apologized and told her I may not have communicated well as I was taken by surprise, but that I don’t find her outfits inappropriate and that I actually really like them and that she looks gorgeous. But that I am uncomfortable with her wearing them in front of my family.

I mentioned to her that she keeps photos of us together when she’s wearing that stuff in a private folder on her phone, and also that she only posts tame photos at the camp to social media. Why? I never requested she do that.

She said because she doesn’t want people from work to see and get a wrong impression since she works in a professional setting. I asked her if she would wear them in front of my mother and she said no, that she was older and wouldn’t understand she doesn’t intend it in a sexual way. And the private folder so nobody comes across them by accident.

So I explained that we both agree there’s a line on who it’s appropriate to let see and who’s not, and we just have a disagreement on who’s on what side of the line. I explained that I get it, the people at the festival get it, SIL maybe gets it, but this whole experience is going to be completely alien for my brother, and he may view some of the more extreme outfits in a sexual way,

particularly throwing dancing and MDMA in the mix. Not that I’d imagine he’d be inappropriate, but that’s I’d really prefer he not view you like that, and it has the potential to cause awkwardness between us. I also said that just dressing a little more conservative this one time would really make me more comfortable and able to enjoy the festival with her and them.

She said she understood my perspective but still had some concerns. Namely, she’s really hoping SIL enjoys herself and wants to continue coming with us and likely this would mean my brother too. Would I expect her to change permanently?

The whole slippery slope thing. I said firstly, we don’t even know if they’re gonna to enjoy it or want to return. We go 2-3 times a year. If they end up liking it and wanting to go every year I’ll stop going on my yearly motorcycle trip with the guys and use that time and money to go 3-4 times a year. We can do 1 time with them where we keep it PG-13, and the rest just you and me like we usually do.

This way you’re not losing out on a full festival experience, but gaining an additional family one. I also explained that I’m really happy that her and my SIL are getting along so well and I’m excited for her to experience this with her friend,

but that I do prefer just her and I because it’s like an escape from our regular life where we can just get weird with it, and that bringing people from our day to day means I’ve got to be a little more reserved and can’t 100% let loose.

She said she totally understands and thinks we just had some miscommunication and that it’s a good plan. She said she knows how much I enjoy those motorcycle trips so being willing to give it up really showed how much it means to me. We’re going to look for some new outfits together that will still look great.

What I learned from this thread are some of y’all are wild. Calling for divorce on her end, divorce on my end. Absolute unwillingness to compromise and like insulted at even being asked. How do you go through life or relationships like that? Divorce over mild disagreements.

Then there’s the folk who feel the need to call a stranger a slut, hoe, etc. I mean, even if you feel that way what possesses someone to type it out? And the requests for pictures, gross. Anyways, all is good between us now. I learned a little about communicating my concerns a little better. Everyone is excited for the event, and for those of you that were truly helpful, thanks.

Additional info. from OP, on if she's making the change for OP's brother:

She’s not changing to accommodate my brother. She’s compromising to make me more comfortable. I accept that she issues lies with me, and wouldn’t even be an issue if I didn’t care, but I do.

Yes it’s a festival and most women are dressed with little clothing, but most aren’t wearing pasties and thongs. Many, sure, but not most. I just asked her to go middle of the road for this one. I have a few reasons for this.

Firstly, I don’t want my brother to see my wife dancing around in that state of undress. She gets flirty, she sometimes will lightly make out with other women (I’m cool with this but would prefer family not know), etc. There is a possibility that my brother would start to see (just see) her in a sexual way, and I d like to avoid that.

Secondly, I feel like because it’s going to be such a foreign experience for him he’s likely to talk about it to other family or have pictures maybe (maybe my wife gets caught in the background) and that it gets back to other family members that I see often.

As I mentioned before I come from an Italian-American Catholic family. Like Sopranos without the crime. They lean conservative. I can already hear the “you let your wife go out like that?” comments implying that I’m some sort of weak pushover, because they would never “allow” their wives to do such a thing. Or that I’m some sort of sex freak because I enjoy her dressing like that.

And the fact is I do enjoy it, though I do feel a little bit of shame and guilt about the fact that I do, like I shouldn’t. And yes, it would probably be better for society as whole if I just called them out on their archaic views, or exclude them from my life if they don’t change. But I’m just not that guy. Not everything needs to be a fight.

I realize all of this could be solved by letting go of some insecurities, Catholic guilt, and not worrying about what anyone thinks about me or my wife, but I don’t know how you just do that. People on the other thread toss that out like it’s super easy but it seems like an insurmountable task to me.

And as many people have said and I 100% agree with, absolutely none of this is my wife’s fault or her problem. It’s my problem caused by issues I have in not wanting to deal with all this, but I just want to keep certain aspects of my life separate from family and eat my Sunday gravy in peace.

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