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Husband secretly meets with wife’s estranged father. 'Now I see how much I messed up.' AITA?

Husband secretly meets with wife’s estranged father. 'Now I see how much I messed up.' AITA?

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"AITA for asking my wife to have a conversation with her dad?"

Hi so currently I’m in a situation and I’d like an outside perspective as my family think I’m an asshole!! Sorry in advance if there is any spelling mistakes and punctuation errors, I’m typing this fast as my wife is getting our daughter ready for bed.

So I Adam (19M) is married to Keeley (19F) and between us we have a little girl Iris (3F) turning 4 in a few weeks. Keeley and I got married last year after being together for 6 almost 7 years - we got together at 13 and we have been friends since the age of 10.

During our entire friendship and beginning of our relationship Keeley had no minim/ non existent relationship with her dad - he pretty much abandoned her and her siblings and from what she’s told me over the years, he was an absent father throughout her entire childhood.

Keeley’s mum met her step dad when Keeley was around 6, and from then on her dad became even more absent and when he would have her and the siblings, she would be the one looking after everyone when only being the middle child.

During last year’s wedding preparations Keeley’s dad wanted to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. I didn’t see the problem with that but Keeley was set in her ways and told me and her entire extended family that her step dad was going to walk her down the aisle and if anyone had a problem with it they would have been uninvited to the wedding.

Fast forward to now, I’ve been meeting with her dad, we will call him Ben (46M) every couple of weeks to catch up and update him on how iris and Keeley is getting along ( iris is in nursing and Keeley is going to uni in September to be a nurse).

This week when I met up with Ben he expressed a desire to get to know his granddaughter as he said “he doesn’t know how long he’s got left) let me preface this by saying Ben has tried to use this tactic over the last to get Keeley to talk to him and as Keeley told me he used this as an excuse when she was kid, when she wouldn’t do something he wanted...

But I don’t know if he is being honest or if he is actually gonna die soon. I guess I want Keeley to talk to her dad, as I didn’t have a dad growing up, my dad died when I was 9 years old - that’s the reason we moved and then that’s when I met Keeley.

He wants me to bring iris to our meet ups or ask Keeley to hear him out. After the conversation I went to my mums house to ask for advice and she said i definitely shouldn’t bring up this up to keeley and to stop meeting up with ben.

I’m considering just telling keeley everything and dealing with the fall out afterwards.So Reddit, Would I be the asshole if I asked my wife to talk to her dad? I don’t know why I didn’t think of this but this is the only relationship I’ve ever been in and I’m actually super close to her step dad.

Edit - Keeley is starting uni in September as she took some time out of education to be 100% present for iris first 9 months that’s the reason she is going. Also when I say iris is in nursery, I mean it’s like a play group thing she goes to everyday, my mother in law takes her for a few hours while I’m at work and my wife is at college.

I just also wanna preface this by saying No, iris was never planned, we never planned to have kids till at least our twenty’s, but when we found out Keeley was pregnant we had a long talk and decided that we both could do it and she’s an amazing mum.

In the last 3 years Ben has had nothing to do with Iris - as some messages were saying - and it wasn’t due to my wife’s lack of trying, he didn’t want have that relationship with her.

Lastly, after reading through all you’re comments I can clearly tell I’m a huge arsehole, Keeley has no idea I’ve been meeting with her father and as some of you have said it’s a huge breach of trust which is completely is.

A lot of you are saying that he is using the situation with my dad against me and I never thought of this until it was mentioned. When thinking back to our meetings I can definitely say this is the case, him bringing up how, he thinks that my relationship with my dad would be now or how my own fathers relationship with my daughter would be.

The people saying that this is a reason for Keeley to leave/ divorce me is a bit far fetch, Keeley is an understanding woman and she would never do something like that unless it was absolutely necessary. I’m writing this on the way to wok.

Tonight when I get him I’m gonna to show Keeley this post, comments and all the messages I’ve received and we shall go from there. I wanna say thank you to everyone who took the time to read this post, even tho I’m a hide AH.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

YTA. You want her play family with the man that abandoned her. The important relationship you should have is with her stepfather. he man who choseto raise her vs the man who abandoned her. You know the man is manipulative but still choose to meet with him. You know his history and still want to put your wife and child in that situation. Shameful.

YTA and a HUGE one. Both you and her dad are huge assholes. This is HER relationship. Abusers can seem like nice people on the outside, but the victims know how they truly are. This is NOT your business.

Honestly, this would make me consider divorce if I were Keeley (because I had an abusive AH as a dad, but my husband supported me going no contact). Leave her alone about this. Don't do it.

YTA. Why are you meeting this man behind your wife’s back? Stop projecting your past onto your wife’s relationship with her dad. He fucked up, this is his problem to solve for being absent. You need to stop meeting up with him immediately and let your wife’s relationship with him be.

YTA. Does your wife know and approve of you meeting the man she doesn't see as a dad on a regular basis? Healthy marriages do not involve doing things behind your spouse's back.

YTA. You have no business meeting with him. Your actions were very disrespectful to your wife and continue to be very disrespectful. Even if you were sure that her dad was going to drop dead tomorrow it wouldn't justify your behavior. Your lack of a father figure is not an excuse. If you are struggling with that find a therapist.

h3r3-to-th3r3

YTA - You don't get a say on whether or not Ben is a good man. Your dedication and loyalty is to your wife, not her absentee father. You're likely turning up old dirt pressing for her to talk to him and/or try to hear him out. Ben is also likely using you to get to her.

She doesn't owe him anything because he's her birth father. Relationships are privileges, not rights, regardless on if someone is family, blood, etc. Respectfully, you should tell Ben that it's her choice and stop meeting up with him. How's it going to go over when she finds out you've been hiding it from her?

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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