'AITA for attending my high school sweetheart's wedding?'
"AITA for attending my high school sweetheart's wedding?"
I dont know if I am in the wrong or I am being gaslit. I (36F) attended my ex's (37m) wedding this weekend and I apparently failed a test.
My ex, Adam, and I dated in highschool, from the time we were 15 - 18, when we amicably split up to go to college in different states. Since college, we've kept in 'facebook familiar' contact, where we'd wish each other happy birthday, or congratulate each other on big milestones, but have had no other contact in the 20 or so years since then.
About a year ago, I saw his engagement post on his facebook and congratulated him. A few months ago he facebook messaged me, asked how I was doing, and said he wanted to have a bit of a highschool get-together at his wedding since he was holding it in our hometown.
He was inviting most of our mutual friend circle and he'd love for me to attend too. I hadnt seen most of these friends in over a decade, and I thought the idea sounded fun so I accepted the invitation.
The wedding was this past weekend....and it was incredibly normal. I attended with my husband, he got to meet all of my highschool friends and their partners and we had a great time.
Sunday morning I wake up to a slew of facebook messages from my ex's new wife about my audacity to attend the wedding and how out of all his former girlfriends, I was the only one who failed the test. She said that CLEARLY you shouldnt attend an ex's wedding unless youre still hung up on them and how I must be planning to steal her new husband away.
I was shocked, but also apologized if I had been unwelcomed and how I must have misunderstood as my reason for attending was to see old friends. She immediately responded and again said that no sane woman, with good intentions, would ever think it was okay to attend their ex's wedding.
I again apologized if I was unwelcomed and hoped my presence hadnt detracted from her day. I then messaged my ex and apologized if I had misunderstood and hoped I hadnt caused any issues. He replied that he was glad I attended, the invitation had been sincere, there was no separate event planned, he was glad to see the old friend group and apologized about his new wifes messages.
I left it at that, thinking it was a closed matter. A few hours later the new wife is messaging me again, complaining about how I was trying to manipulate her new husband to make her look crazy.
I decided this was not a ship I wanted to sail on, took a screenshot of all her messages and my replies, sent them to the ex and said I was just going to go ahead and block them both so I couldnt be accused of inappropriate contact with anyone.
Yesterday I started getting messages from the brides sister saying I poisoned my ex against his new wife and I should have kept the messages to myself. Im also being told I could have just avoided all of this by knowing I shouldnt attend my ex's wedding. I'm honestly not sure if I'm in the wrong or Im being gaslit by an insecure woman and her sister. So, AITA for attending my ex's wedding?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
INFO: so his ex knew you were getting invited? And that’s the “test” you “failed”?
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP responded:
As far as I know, yes, no one seemed surprised to see me. But I was apparently supposed to know I should decline the invitation. So I think his invitation was sincere, but her agreement to invite me was a test.
I also didnt ask about how "all the other ex's" passed the test, but I guess we were all invited by her? I not sure.
Has this become a topic of conversation among the high school friend group that you saw at the wedding?
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP responded:
None of us are that close any more. I dont think any of us are close enough to gossip about it (or at least, I havent been included in any gossip that Im aware of).
NTA, his new bride is clearly operating off of what she thinks is a universal social rulebook but is really her own weird territorial game. Same with her sister. They both sound like overly high-strung addicts of modern relationship games.
But that's not what gaslighting is. Gaslighting isn't accusing you of behavior you didn't intend, or lying, or any of that. Gaslighting is when someone is repeatedly undermining your grip on reality to make you think that you're not able to rely on your own memory and sanity. It requires consistent contact and isn't something that someone you've spoken to maybe now twice can do to you.
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP responed:
Fair enough, seemed like the right word to use but maybe just manipulate or guilt trip is more accurate. Ty for the correction.
The bride was spending her honeymoon messaging a woman her husband dated 18 years ago. NTA, but maybe skip his next wedding.
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP responded:
This made me lol, and I think you're right.
You were invited by a high school sweetheart, you have both moved on and he invited others from back in the day as well. I'm not seeing this as an issue? Especially if it was clear you're also married?
The only issue is her. He had every right to see her messages to you. He married her, he has the right to see how crazy she is IMO. I'd not give her the satisfaction of blocking him, just her and her minions. He does not have to give up his past friendships for some crazy, insecure woman.
He is someone who is clearly still a friend of sorts but that does not mean romantic feelings remain. Your group has a history together, she doesn't. She is insecure and controlling by the sounds of it. I give this marriage no longer than 5 years, and that's pushing it lol
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP responded:
I blocked them both since we're definitely not close enough for me to want to waste too much energy getting stuck in their drama, plus it was probably the healthiest option for all 3 of us. If he wants to get back in touch with me after whatever this is resolves, he can message one of our mutual friends to reach out.
Iseeyou22 replied:
Perfect answer. Don't let this affect your marriage and no, you don't need to be involved in this drama. I'm betting he will reach out at some point, if only just to apologize.
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP again:
Oh, my husband thinks this is quite funny and wants to know if we should schedule our vow renewals, invite ONLY our ex's and give them all pass or fail cards as a party favor (obviously all fail).
seeyou22 replied again:
That's how it's done!! lol Love his sense of humor!
Oh, dear. They played the FAFO test game and didn't like the results. Ignore them. If they didn't want you there they shouldn't have invited you. NTA
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP responded:
FAFO? Oh no, IS there a test I should have known about?!
NTA. Don't apologize. Forward the messages to your ex, and let HIM handle it. Or post them, maybe on her wedding page? Bt: WHY did you block your ex= HE did not cause this.
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP responded:
I apologized because I was sure I must have misunderstood something. Like maybe he was doing a highschool reunion event the same weekend as his wedding and I was supposed show up to that and not the wedding itself. But no, I was just invited to the wedding and shes nuts.
I blocked him because 1) I figured it was healthier for them to sort it out between each other without either talking to me, 2) we arent close enough for me to really want to waste that much energy on their drama. If he wants to reach out via a mutual friend later, that's okay with me.
Except the ex. He might need a sane friend during his inevitable divorce.
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP responded:
I definitely do not want to be that friend. 1) we arent that close anymore. 2) it would be weird given this situation. 3) He has close friends who can be his support system, Im not one of them.
Uhhhhh…that’s nuts. You dated the guy from the ages of 15-18. While some high school romances last, most of them don’t and it doesn’t mean you were pining away for him. It was a friend group reunion. And test? What test?
How many ex’s did he invite? How old is this wife? This is so immature. And then her sister ganging up on you too? What, are you all back in high school? Because that is the vibe wife is giving off.
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP responded:
Yeah I dont know the details of the other exes being invited, I dont know how any of those relationships went, and I wasnt about to ask and get dug in deeper. Im guessing the wife is in her 30s but thats just a guess. She didnt look a lot younger than him. Definitely felt like highschool drama though...
But where the hell did everyone find your phone number?
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP responded:
This entire thing happened via facebook messenger. The only place for mid 30 year olds to have drama.
NTA You received an invitation to a wedding from an old boyfriend from high school and you attended the wedding. It was a cordial invitation and the groom urged you to attend.
"I was the only one who failed the test. She said that CLEARLY you shouldnt attend an ex's wedding unless youre still hung up on them and how I must be planning to steal her new husband away."
Wow, that's bat crap crazy. So you went to the wedding with your husband and he's your wingman while you try to rekindle your high school relationship....with the groom...on his wedding day?!
After that the fall out for these erratic and rabid attacks are in the bride's hands. If her husband was displeased, she needs to face the music, actions have consequences. It's not your problem.
Think-Acanthaceae877 OP responded:
"Wow, that's bat crap crazy. So you went to the wedding with your husband and he's your wingman while you try to rekindle your high school relationship....with the groom...on his wedding day?!"
Okay - you single handedly just made me see how ridiculous this is. I was getting lost in causing issues in someone else's relationship and letting myself get gaslight. Youre right - the scenario is bizarre and clearly not a "me" problem, but a "her" problem. Thank you for that.