My ex-boyfriend and I had been dating for six years and living together for 3. l've been unhappy in our relationship for the past few months and finally decided it was time to break up with him. I broke up with him last week, and it's been extremely painful ever since.
There have been a lot of tears and conversations, and trying to navigate moving out on top of everything has been hell. For context, I love my ex very much, but I felt breaking up was my only choice if I wanted to be happy as things were not getting better.
On to the story! One of my friends had a bridal shower this weekend, and I could not be more excited for her. My ex-boyfriend and I have been good friends with this person and their fiancé — we have even gone on vacations together. My friend is aware of my break-up and has seen first hand how much I have agonized over this decision.
When I arrived at her bridal shower yesterday and started greeting other guests, I quickly realized that somehow everyone in the room already knew about my breakup.
Throughout the night, I was approached by multiple people, even ones I barely know, who offered their condolences, told me they were "proud" of me, asked how my apartment search was going, and prompted me for details about my breakup and impending move.
The MOH even pushed for details multiple times in front of the bride’s family, even though I was very clearly trying to navigate away from the subject. The whole night felt like one of those scenes in high school when you walk into a room and notice people looking at you as if they've just been whispering about you.
I played it off as best I could and tried to change the subject whenever possible. Apart from that, I would say the evening went fine and everyone had a lovely time celebrating the bride.
However, since getting home yesterday, I can't help but feel really betrayed. It feels like my friend used my painful breakup as gossip and shared it with a lot of people who shouldn't know my personal business, especially since I'm not close with them in any way.
Both my ex and I are real people with real feelings and our pain shouldn’t be used as party gossip. I've also started receiving texts from people who attended the party, informing me that they've "heard" what happened and asking how I'm doing.
While I understand their intentions are positive, this feels very invasive. These are her friends, not mine. I would have understood her sharing this with her partner or even a close mutual friend of ours, but this was much bigger than that.
I texted her today and told her I could no longer be her bridesmaid or friend. Both her and the MOH think I overreacted. Now I’m second guessing my decision and worried I was too rash — I just simply can’t imagine treating a friend this way when they feel so vulnerable. Am I the ahole?
Armorer- said:
Have you considered that this was not gossip and instead your friend felt bad about your break up during her bridal shower so she let the guests know so that they could be mindful of your current situation and mental state? I do think you overreacted however you are entitled to feeling raw right now but I do think YTA here.
Meloetta said:
Gentle YTA here, in the true sense - you're not an asshole but your perception is off here. I get not wanting to feel like people are talking behind your back. But the reality of the world is, you exist in the minds of people even when you're not in the room.
Not every time someone talks about you when you're not in the room is malicious betrayal gossip - sometimes it's just news. It's pretty common for bad news to be shared by someone other than the one it's happening to. Would you rather those people asked about your ex and you had to repeatedly break the news to each of them individually?
I get that you're feeling raw right now and are more likely to take things personally, and it sounds like you're a lot like me, in that when things like this are happening you want to have control over as much as possible. But is it possible that your friend was trying to spare you pain
HowlPen said:
YTA for not talking with your friend. A simple “I was hurt when I walked in and everyone knew about the breakup. Can you tell me why you shared that with them?” would have worked. We’re all guessing her reasons- you could have easily asked!
For all you know, she thought you might be depressed at a bridal shower and wanted to protect you from criticism. She clearly didn’t speak negatively about you. Everyone was trying to be supportive. She must not really be that important to you if this is all it took for you to end your friendship.
Fun_Concentrate_7844 said:
NTA. She shared personal and private info with people you didn't even know. Everyone saying it's not that big of deal must be gossips.
Darling_3000 said:
Sounds like drama and unneeded stress. Throw em away. NTA.
GollumTrees said:
NTA. I've had something similar happen. My husband at the time tried to do something to himself I can't mention here due to rules. He obviously ended up in the hospital so I called out of work and explained why.
When I came back in, customers I barely knew were asking about what happened. It made my job unbearable but my boss said everyone was all over me because they "cared." The stares, ugh...