'AITA for bailing on my sister's wedding ceremony after she lied about getting married?'
"AITA for bailing on my sister's wedding ceremony after she lied about getting married?"
My (34M) sister (36F) has gotten married to a guy (55M) she's known for about 7 months. There's a ton of red flags to say the least, but my sister and I are not "super close" so I try to stay away from telling her how to live her life.
About 2 months ago, I found out she was engaged via Facebook. I was pissed. We're not super close, but I at least give her a phone call when I have major life news before posting on social media. I chewed her out for that and even sent a text message explicitly stating I expected her to call with big news like that in the future. It turns out, she got married in the courts 10 days later and never told me.
I found out again via Facebook, when she casually mentioned it in a comment to one of her friends there. What I'm pissed about is she and my mom have absolutely been lying to me about this, and neither of them got their story straight.
My sister is holding a wedding ceremony that's about 11 hours away from where I live and she's made a big deal about want me and my family there. My wife and I have 3 kids, all 3 years and younger, so traveling with them that distance is not an easy task. We were planning on attending but breaking the trip up across multiple days, even reserved the hotels already.
We I found out she was married already, I sent her a long email that made it clear I was pissed and her response back was essentially "I'm sorry, I thought you knew" and "We got married because we were buying a house and needed to show my sons we were living right by God before moving in together" (Don't get me started on this one, again, many red flags).
I responded back saying essentially her marriage had a ton of red flags but number one was isolating trusted family members was usually a symptom of abuse and I'm worried about her, but will be there for her if she needs me. I told her I needed space, and haven't spoken with her in two weeks now.
This last week, I spoke with my mom, and she claims my sister directly asked her not to tell anyone she was married. My mom directly lied to me over Easter (I chewed her out for this too) because I asked her then if she thought she was going to go through with the wedding and she said "She's really happy with him and yes I think she will." My mom has a history of lying, so theirs a distinct possibility she is lying about this to get herself out of trouble with me, but it seems unlikely.
My gut says my sister lied to me about her being married already because she believed I would be more likely to attend her wedding ceremony if she wasn't actually married. I think that's bs, I understand the practicalities of court house weddings just fine, but I'm pissed about being lied to.
My wife absolutely doesn't want to go or bring the kids around my toxic family anymore. This is the first rift between my sister and I, and before this she was my closest support for my family's toxic bull shit because she survived the traumas with me.
If I don't go, I fear I lose my sister because not attending is a hell of a thing. I'm leaning towards going without bringing my family, my wife says going just rewards bad behavior. AITA for not going?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Ok-Homework-582 said:
NTA for not going if you don’t want to. You stated that you weren’t super close anyway.
Alarming_Reply_6286 said:
If you can’t be supportive or happy for your sister at her wedding ceremony, please don’t go. Politely decline. I understand your frustration but her event is not about you or any family drama. It’s just a one day event.
Both you & your sister are adults. You’re both allowed to make your own choices & have your own thoughts & feelings. She doesn’t need your approval or attendance to host an event & you are not forced to attend. NTA.
SofiaDeo said:
YTA for "chewing people out." You can ask but not demand. And then make a decision based on that. You aren't entitled to demand to know things before a social media post, nor anything else about anyone. Not doing a good job of "not telling people how to live their life."
Sounds like people are telling you what they think you want to hear to avoid you going off on them. Is this the sort of "toxic" thing from your childhood, that perhaps your sis is now seeing in you/trying to avoid?
AdministrativeRun550 said:
YTA. Nobody wants to tell you the truth because you write long emails on everything you don’t like. Forget your mother and sister for a while, focus on your own family.
TheLookTheTouch said:
ESH (a bit) - There is an odd mix of non cohesion, undercurrents of don't tell x/y/z and well, a whole bunch of manipulation and agro. You mention a lot of chewing folk out. For sure, step back from all the family BS, like you said there are a whole bunch of red flags.
Just let her know that when the sh%t hits the fan with her new family traumas that you both should re/unite and help extract her from what sounds like a potential cluster f-k, but also be mentally prepared to lose her to the what sounds like a sudden deepening of religious beliefs and an older controlling husband.
Sorry to say it, but sometimes we have to stand back, prepare for the worst and hope (in vain) for the best. In the meantime you've your own family to love and raise.
AnonymousPuffin222 said:
NTA. Expecting you to travel like that for a fake wedding that she explicitly lied to you about is ridiculous, especially after you told her how hurt you were about the way she dealt with the engagement. You did everything right.