'AITA for being angry at my GF for basically abandoning me during our couple's vacation?' UPDATED
"AITA for being angry at my GF for basically abandoning me during our couple's vacation?"
I (27M) and my GF (26F) have been together for 4 years and lived together for nearly 2 years. Recently, due to our work schedule, we have been unable to go out much.
My GF loves skiing (I'm a newbie), hiking and climbing ( I can't do this due to my fear of height).
A few weeks ago was her birthday. I bought her a necklace and proposed her to organize together a couple trip on the mountains ( I paid for it). This was the schedule we came up with:
- day 1: skiing separately.
- day 2: skiing alone and visiting a particular tourist spot we saw on Internet in the evening.
- day 3: hiking together while chatting.
- day 4: visiting the town nearby.
- day 5: visiting another tourist spot and, more in general, free time together.
- day 6: go back home.
1 week before our trip, she informed me that she had invited one of her friends and her BF to come with us ( she would pay for their hotel and they would pay for the rest). I was a bit upset because she didn't even ask me. Despite the schedule, this was how we spent the days:
- day 1: skiing.
- day 2: skiing.
- day 3: hiking ( she talked to her friend the whole time).
- day 4: skiing and visiting the town nearby as a group.
- day 5: she found out there was a climbing spot nearby and decided to go there in the morning. She was supposed to come back at 13 but came back in the evening.
- day 6: we went back home.
During the whole trip I asked her multiple time if we could do something together as a couple and every time she told me we would spend the fifth day alone together. That didn't happen so we basically spent zero times together.
I tried to let it go but once we got home she realized I was upset. She insisted so told her that I was happy she had fun but upset our couple trip became a group trip in which she either abandoned or ignored me.
She got angry, claiming that since this was supposed to be her birthday trip, she had the right to decide what she wanted to do. AITA for being angry over what happened?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, she dismissed your feelings, then proceeded to plan this whole trip on your dime to invite her friends. Try to talk it out with her so she can understand why you’re feeling this way and if she continues to be rude then man idk if she’s the one for you.
NTA- you basically paid to go someplace and be alone. Can’t wait to hear how you are sitting alone on your honeymoon while she is parasailing.
Seriously discuss with her why she thought this was ok, as she spent zero time with you as a couple and then lied to you and left you the entire 5th day by yourself instead of spending it with you. If this is normal behavior for her you might want to explore other options.
NTA Your girlfriend sucks. It may have been her present but it was a specific present, a couple's trip. That she invited her friend in the first place was an AH move. Spending the week with her instead of you was the equivalent of her screaming in your face that she has no interest in you or spending time with you.
That she has no better explanation beyond saying she wasn't wrong, sorry, but she's done with you. Maybe she wanted a free trip, maybe she can't afford to live on her own yet, maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you, but she's avoiding being alone with you for a reason.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Don't know if I need to ask for permission before posting an update. I will remove in case there is any problem. I stayed at a friend's house for the last couple of days. I didn't have the strength to deal with my GF. I read all your comments and advice yesterday.
I went back home today and waited in the living room for her to come back. I was obviously still upset but I tried to stay calm and asked her how she felt about the trip and about what I had told her after we came back.
She reiterated that she thought I was exaggerating and that the trip was a success and that everybody had fun. I reminded her that we had originally agreed this was supposed to be a trip for us to spend some time together.
I asked her if she really thought that even under that pov the trip had been a success. She hesitated but said that we will have plenty of time to spend together in the future.
I told her that I doubted it and showed her the engagement ring I had bought to propose for her. I explained that before the trip, I was sure she was the woman I would have loved to spend my whole life with, but that, after what happened, I reflected deeply on our relationship and realized that it wasn't working out.
I explained how much I sacrificed for her in the past, only to be left alone when I needed help and how much what she did in the trip hurt me. She tried to say something but I told her I was sick of listening to her and never being listened to. I told her I didn't want to listen to her now and probably not in the near future either.
We broke up. The house is mine so she went to stay with a friend. I wanted to thank all the people who commented under the original post for the advice. Thank you and good bye.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You did the right thing. Did she just accept that you broke up and still thought she was right? Or did she saw that she messed up und been at least remorseful? And how did she reacted when she saw the ring?
(OP)
She said we could still be together and that she would try to fix things in some way.
My mom says there are some things I must experience before I agree to marry someone: Living together, intimacy, having the worst day, financial strain, sickness and a trip together. It's a good checklist.
If she thought this trip was for her birthday, I can understand her wanting to be a little spoiled in her choices. But she also knew that it was planned as a couple's trip so spending NO one-on-one time as a couple was beyond a reasonable compromise and it is no wonder that OP felt abandoned. It showed a total disregard for OP's feelings or needs and he was right to see that as a very bad sign.
It really sounds like she was ready to break up anyway. When you don’t want to be alone with someone is when you start adding other people as buffers.